le bottom eyes
the commune’s Stu Umbrage has been especially quiet lately, even for him 

Truth be told, I’ve never had any sexual dreams of any kind involving Prince. I know that’s kind of surprising, since you assume most people have, but not me. Not that I think I’m above it or anything, or like I’d freak out and join the Marines or something if I did have one. I’d be cool with it. Just never had one.

I did once have a pretty crazy dream involving the B-52’s and the cast of Sledge Hammer! in Waikiki. I wasn’t in Waikiki at the time, but the dream was. That was pretty hot, in a vaguely disturbing kind of way. Weird to think I’m probably the only person on earth who gets aroused at the sight of David Rasche. Luckily it doesn’t really come up that often.

Whenever you tell someone something like that (and if you haven’t already, I’d probably recommend not telling anyone and avoiding the problem all together) usually they think that you’re either (A) a pathological liar or (B) a pervert.

(A) Those are some mighty strong words for a guy wearing a fanny pack, compadre. If you’re not careful, someone’s going to stuff you into that thing and feed it to an elephant. Then you won’t seem so smart. Not me, mind you. But most likely someone with access to elephants.

(B) Fuck you! Who are you calling a pervert? I’ve made much straighter guys than you look like pervs in comparison to me, dickcheese. And who printed you up a license to inflict your uptight sexual repressions on the rest of the world? You make me sick. People like you come across all high and mighty until it comes out that you either (a) like to dress up like giant stuffed animals or (b) masturbate to cooking shows.

(a) Ew is all I’ve got to say about that. I just hope you work for Disneyland or something because otherwise, Ew.

(b) What the fuck is up with the cooking shows? I mean, yeah, I understand about wanting to learn to make delicious shit, but when did it occur to you to take your pants off? Were you already jerking off when one came on and it just became a force of habit? I guess I could understand that, but it seems pretty unlikely. You’d have to be jerking off to whatever was on before the cooking show and that was most likely (I) a travel show about Syria or (II) a commercial for some kind of microwave bacon-cooking rack.

(I) Syria, really? Whatever floats your goat, man. Last time I checked there weren’t any National Geographic chicks there walking around with their mama-mias hanging out, but I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt that they were having some crazy fashion show or bikini calendar shoot there or something.

(II) Okay, you’re either (i) fucking with me, or (ii) some special kind of “miracle of evolution” freak-ass.

(i) Good one.

(ii) I’d give you a medal, but you’d probably get it stuck up your ass. Stay the hell away from me.

Farewell My Concubines
Well, I’ve officially drank enough eggnog to kill a goat, resulting last night in a terrifying vision of Christmas Future. Either that or I was at a U2 concert. Any way you slice it, I’m running out after work to buy the biggest chicken I can find and give it to some Cuban refugee children to use as a boat, or something.

One Household Please, and Hold the Kids
The thing that gets me is the people who pretend that they like kids. Right. Just like I love being stung in the dick by a hornet. Nobody likes kids, not even other kids.

Conversations Vol. 2
I’ve never seen a dog smile. Maybe dogs don’t like you. What’s not to like? It’s not a dilemma for me; I don’t like any kind of snot. I never got my dilemma. For High School. Diploma. God Bless You.

Angry Like a Eunuch’s Long-Gone Balls
Oh, I just saw jackass: the movie, by the way. So what’s the big deal? Seems like any normal weekend with your buddies and a trunk full of beer to me. Putting a taser to your nutsack and jumping out of a tree with a bungee cord attached to your underwear isn’t even a memorable weekend on my block.

The Myth of American Constipation
Knock on wood and hopefully I’m not screwing myself here, but is constipation really the big national problem these TV commercials make it out to be? Who are these poor suckers who are getting so desperately plugged up on a regular basis?