Dear commune:
Would the commune eat me, if I had a body made of cake? You don’t know that it isn’t. Would the commune lick the frosting off my buttercup? That doesn’t mean you’re gay. Just that you like cake! And who doesn’t like cake? C’mon.
Wenzel Spitz
Olander, ME
the commune
Dear Wenzel:
Barf. Gag. Retch. Seriously. If we here at the commune ever eat cake again, it’ll be because we forgot your letter. Jesus.
Dear commune:
My car makes a noise like this when I turn left: “GrraaaGrraaaaGraaaaaang!!” What the fuck?
Bruce Shimer
Slomo, KS
the commune
Dear Bruce:
Allow us to answer your question with another question: The commune staff talks in a hilarious huckleberry accent whenever they read your letter aloud. What the fuck?
Dear commune:
I thought Battlefield Earth was pretty good, but a little long. Seriously, I thought that middle part would never end. That thing dragged like a dead hooker. Anyway, is it true what I heard that the movie was actually a sequel to The Dark Crystal? I didn’t know Jim Henson was a Cosmotologist, but I guess that would explain that freaky Fraggle Rock show. Crazy. Anyway, see you later.
Ed Pamela
Digmont, MN
the commune
Dear Ed:
Thanks for keeping in touch. Hope all is well with the wife and kids. Hey, remember that part in UHF when that Chinese guy was like “You so stupid!”? That was pretty funny. Take it easy.
Editor’s Note:
the commune is not responsible for anyone who failed a history test because they confused former president Grover Cleveland with the purple Muppet, also named Grover. We’ve taken the heat for that nonsense for way too long.
Volume 52
While ‘Do unto others as you would do unto a woman with tits out to here’ is a catchy religious slogan, we have to wonder how successful it would actually be in practice.
Volume 51
Actually, either is acceptable in casual conversation. However in the future, after your wife divorces you, remember that saying a girl looks like “the beef’s nuts” is unlikely to get her into your car. Knock ‘em dead, tiger.
Volume 50
Wow, it’s rare that the commune receives a letter with that level of thought, or motor oil, put into it. We thank you for taking the time to dig a piece of scrap paper out of your trunk and writing to us.
Volume 49
Cattle prods? What are you guys, a couple of seven-year-old girls in floral-patterned dresses at a tea party? You sure you guys aren’t pulling our legs?
Volume 48
It seems that office gaywad Raoul Dunkin penned a half-assed Successory quote on the back of your letter and has been carrying it around with him for years, both for inspiration and in hopes of getting it made into a poster, superimposed over a soft-focus photo of geese in flight.