Dear commune:

You ever notice how people are really nice to you when they’re trying to get into your pants? I’m serious, it makes a huge difference. I used to think that men were just a lot nicer than women, who sometimes can seem like a bunch of cold, heartless, backstabbing cunts all the time. But then I met the girls on my bowling team, and they changed my mind by being so cool. Well, wouldn’t you know it, they just want to have a bowling-themed orgy! It figures. So anyway, my idea for world peace is that we should treat everybody else like we want to sleep with them. Wouldn’t that be nice? I think Jesus would have recommended the same, except talking about sex was against his religion. Let me know what you think.

Pam Peartree
Valley Park, CA

Dear Pam:

While “Do unto others as you would do unto a woman with tits out to here” is a catchy religious slogan, we have to wonder how successful it would actually be in practice. Although the attention would be nice, we probably could do without being inundated with smarmy pickup lines from the guys down at the garage, or getting hit on by our priest. Leave that for the ladies to deal with, we say. And having some bury biker guy offer to carry our groceries home might just push us over the edge. While this doctrine would undoubtedly prove woman-on-woman relations, we doubt most men are ready to have their heterosexuality challenged in such away. More likely than not, it would only increase the number of times a day the police have to hear “I had to tie him to the railroad tracks, officer, he said I had pretty eyes!”

the commune

Editor’s Note: the commune is not responsible for the ever-widening gap between the rich and poor. If poor people aren’t willing to get up off their asses and turn their stock options into cash, then we say there’s no helping those people.

Volume 51
Actually, either is acceptable in casual conversation. However in the future, after your wife divorces you, remember that saying a girl looks like “the beef’s nuts” is unlikely to get her into your car. Knock ‘em dead, tiger.

Volume 50
Wow, it’s rare that the commune receives a letter with that level of thought, or motor oil, put into it. We thank you for taking the time to dig a piece of scrap paper out of your trunk and writing to us.