The Second commune
Enthusiasts Club Meeting
by Emil Zender 

Anyone who’s been receiving the commune Enthusiasts Club’s personal newsletter should know we planned on discussing the major issues facing the commune and how we, as commune fans, should react.

Before I get into that, however, I would like to ask everyone out there to sign up for the commune newsletter by contacting me at Zenderphenia@hotmail.com. The last time I gave this out in a column I received a huge number of people signing up, followed by about a million pieces of junk mail detailing how I could enlarge parts of my anatomy. I’m glad for the huge turnout, folks, but I do have to wonder why I’m not hearing from any of you again. Very few of you are showing up at the actual Club meetings and just as many aren’t responding to my e-mails asking for information for the Club records, like your name and stuff like that, nothing too personal. A lot of e-mails are even bouncing back, so maybe you accidentally gave me the wrong reply address.

Still, it was a record-setting turnout for the commune Enthusiasts Club last weekend when those two guys showed up who thought we were actual communists. Sorry we disappointed you, guys, but I’m glad you stuck around for the entire meeting and I finished your free literature as was part of the agreement—interesting stuff, I’ll write you personal e-mails back.

Hopefully we’ll see Christopher and Stag again, they’ll be welcome additions to the club as soon as we can get their last names and put them on the roll. I’ll just pencil in “Marx” as the last name for now. But even with the confusing large turnout, Vice-President Sandy Meckler and I managed to get some club business done.

Besides the glaring absence of Editor Red Bagel being the big speedbump in the commune road right now, and the faltering quality that has followed, as commune Enthusiasts (capitalization intentional) we should be considering the efforts by major press junkets to lock the commune out of press meetings and other legitimate-press events. Reuters, AP, and all the major networks seem to be involved in some sort of conspiracy to cripple the commune in its attempts to get the news and report it accurately. In this age of nationalism and presidential yes, ma’am-ing, it is of greater import than ever before that the commune have access to the newsmakers the same as larger media outlets. Only the commune will report the news without putting a spin on it.

It appears to stem mostly from an April 25 press conference held by Ari Fleischer, and an incident involving commune reporter Ramon Nootles, who pointed to a CNN correspondent and said a little too loudly, “Check out the nips on that one.” Those of us who know the commune’s troubled history with the mainstream press, however, would not be surprised to learn this incident was staged as a trap for Nootles—Helen Thomas is always standing next to the thermostat in the White House press room, and Nootles is famous for his observant nature on reactions to cold temperatures.

Anyway, this has been more a thorn in the commune’s side than a complete shut-down of news access. But if the attempt to keep them from gathering facts continues, how should the commune keep its facts straight? Maybe the mainstream press would like to see the commune just make up things, fabricate quotes and even news incidents like that New York Times reporter?

Fear not, commune Enthusiasts. We need to pull together and petition the press to allow the commune a second chance. That way we’ll continue to get all the news that’s only moderately fit to print.

The First commune Enthusiasts Club Meeting
Exuberant salutations, commune Clubbers! Founder, President, and Acting-Motivational Speaker Emil Zender present and accounted for. Where are you?