That lady, Ella Dipthong, the one who did the This Space for Rent column that one week. I know her. I know that lady. Where do I know her from?

She’s too old to have gone to school with. Maybe she’s a teacher. Could she come in the Winn-Dixie all the time? Nah, I can’t put her in the Winn-Dixie in my mind. But I know her. Shit, where do I know her from? I can’t put my fucking finger on it.

Dipthong, Dipthong… Dip-THONG. Shit, I don’t know a Dipthong. I know her, though. Where…? Did I spend the night in jail with a Dipthong or something? Not her, but her son maybe? Where did I meet a Dipthong? Shit, I can’t think. She doesn’t work at the head shop, that lady’s last name is Bulaine. Where the fuck did I meet a Dipthong?

Arrrrrgh! Christ, it’s too cruel. I know her fucking face, I even heard her name. I just can’t place it. Where in the fuck would I meet Ella Dipthong? She ain’t no parole officer, I know that, and I’ve never had her bag my stuff at the Kroger’s.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh—fuck! I give up, man. No fucking clue. Tell me. Where do I know her from?

Fitz Melbourne
Poulot, MO

Dear Fitz:

Ooooh, man, you were so close. Would a hint help? How about 3 hints? Christmas cards. 1993 Kourtland Family Reunion. Cap’n Crunch Crunchberries.

That’s right, Ella Dipthong is in fact the stepmother of Kelly Kourtland, your girlfriend during your junior and senior years of high school. Though she married Kelly’s father, George Kourtland, she retains her maiden name, being a cynical control-freak lacking any romanticism. Though you broke up with Kourtland over the summer after your senior year, Ella kept sending you Christmas cards for three years following, and it always hurt just a little bit, didn’t it? She once humiliated you at the dinner table when you said your favorite cereal was Cap’n Crunch Crunchberries—is it coming back to you now?

Yes, Fitz, Ella Dipthong in fact was the one to drive the wedge between you and Kelly that would eventually turn your relationship sour. It was Ella who suggested, however correctly, that you had no ambition and ran with a bad crowd, and would never be anything but misery for Kelly. Ella also encouraged Kelly’s father George heavily in disapproving of you, even withholding sex a few times until he joined her cause. And shortly after the rocky last year of your relationship, it was Ella’s idea that George offer Kelly the new car if she dumped you, which of course she did, but let’s face it—it was inevitable, the way you bad-mouthed her in front of your friends and begged for hand-jobs regularly. She just picked the right moment and went home with a new car!

Speaking of new cars, you win nothing today, Fitz. Not the car, not the trip to Maui, not even the lousy copy of our home game since we don’t have a home game. If we had a nasty box of Rice-a-Roni lying around we probably wouldn’t even give you that. Sorry, but that’s the way the ball bounces. What you did earn, Fitz, is the awakening of a memory so old and dormant it’s pretty dusty, and that’s worth more than money can buy or expensive therapy can quickly heal. Life blows, friend.

the commune

Editor's Note: the commune is not responsible for jackets left in the coat room. All items are the responsibility of the owner and, hey, if a few expensive items come up missing from pockets, or the entire coat itself, things like that just happen. What? This coat? No, it’s new. I just bought it at Lazarus—ask the manager.

Volume 26
Thanks for your literate spanking; Lil Duncan in particular enjoyed it. We have been dropping the ball here at the commune, and we’d rather be famous for our top-of-the-heap conspiracy unraveling than our dropped balls.

Volume 25
Upon relaying your requests to commune editor Red Bagel, we were instructed to get the commune water cannon out of deep storage. However, we’re pretty sure it’s all the way in the back behind some heavy shit that hasn’t been moved since forever, so we are eager to reach an alternative solution to this dilemma.

Volume 24
We have considered a commune for kids, and are working on features for the publication in our spare time at the bar. We plan to include news about school, hot teens, and all the other things that appeal to school kids and strange middle-aged men.

Volume 23
You’ll be happy to know that your letter has been blown up to poster size and is now proudly covering the spot in our break room where Ramrod Hurley punched a hole in the wall.