RED BAGEL WEATHER BALLOON Either some King fanatic's lawn or the most peculiar crop circle yet.

Presley, the king of rock and roll, died August 16, 1977, which is news thanks to the lack of real stories this week as fans and the media celebrate the 25th anniversary of his death. Born in Tupelo, Mississippi, Presley was the first attractive white person to bring rock and roll to the nation, and obtained the title “king of rock and roll” in some undisclosed media ceremony.

“Elvis touched everyone,” said an unidentified modern rock star pretending to be in touch with music history. “He was the one and only. There will never be another like him.”

Fans flocked in presumably record numbers to Graceland to see the place where Elvis lived in strange, hermit-like seclusion until his death on the toilet. Presley was extremely popular in his lifetime, though that popularity peaked and waned over the years, ultimately leaving him most popular after his death.

“This here’s Elvis week,” proclaimed a Los Angeles classic rock station disc jockey named Danger Bob. “Celebrating the king of rock and roll by playing ‘Hound Dog’ every hour on the hour. Elvis was one of a kind, he invented it all. There will never be another like him.”

His legacy in rock and roll already firmly established, Presley added another accomplishment to his resume this week, as he helped provide filler for news programs, networks, and magazines all across the nation, despite being dead for a quarter of a century.

The face and name of Elvis Presley have graced the covers of magazines, news footage, and news websites, as if some new event had occurred to warrant his coverage. CNN has been airing specials covering the history and influence of the King, Time named Elvis their Person of the Week, and VH-1 has even been playing Elvis videos during the rare hours they play videos.

“The news media owes Elvis a ton of thanks. He’s saved our hash from the fire once again,” said CNN correspondent Muffy St. Clair. “The president’s on vacation and unable to supply us with the usual amount of ignorant quotes. The War on Terror sure hasn’t gotten any more interesting—nobody knows where Osama bin Laden is or if he’s even alive. Hell, even the celebrities are boring this week. What’s new? Anna Nicole Simpson? Puh-lease. A dead Elvis is more interesting than an alive her any day.”

While the media has been working overtime to bring Elvis back to national attention, the public at large is invariably unchanged.

“Elvis?” said man on the street Carl Ginser. “Yeah, I like some of his stuff. That ‘Suspicious Minds’ song is kick-ass. I think the Fine Young Cannibals did a cover of that or something. Oh, and he would, like, raise his lip and snarl. And he always left the building and some guy would announce it, I think. I’m not sure why he’s on the news so much lately, though. He’s still dead, isn’t he? Not a zombie or nothing?”

This reporter, for one, is thoroughly convinced he is. However, until Red Bagel agrees to spring for the plane ticket to Memphis and a shovel, we’ll never know for sure. But whether he actually breathes or lies very quiet in his grave, thanks to all the needless media sensationalism, Elvis is still alive today in some way.

the commune news is sorry for stepping on your blue suede shoes, but c'mon, your feet are like size 19. Ramon Nootles is a commune correspondent and trashes the office like a rock star every Friday at 4:59 p.m.

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