Monday, August 5, 2002
The summertime is the number one time for partaking in America’s favorite pastime: collecting mosquito larvae in the wild and using it to make homemade jam and preserves. With us today are two people who should need no introduction, mosquito breeding habit expert Dr. Lipton Cloff and homemaker to the stars, Nancy Van Hummelstein. Hey you two, was it you guys I saw pulling into the studio parking lot together in that red convertible with the Irish clogging music blasting?

NVH: You bet, Stu. We’ve been partying for three days and haven’t slept in over a week.

DLC: That’s right. And I’m high on some rancid larval peyote. Please excuse the condition of the green room.

Happens to the best of us, Lipton. Okay, folks, before we strap on the hip-waders and get our egg-siphons ready, we’re going to check with our lawyers to make sure we won’t be on the hook in case Dr. Cloff goes buggy on us out in the field and has to be put down. We’ll be right back after this commercial break:

Boy Ricky, your dad sure does love nuts.

You’re not kidding, Joey. Mom says she and dad had to go to three different marriage counselors because dad couldn’t keep them out of his mouth.

Really? Wow Rick, I though that all had something to do with your dad’s affair with Mr. Humbertson.

What?

This just in: A New Jersey toddler has been indicted for having an inappropriate sexual relationship with a Guy Smiley Muppet doll. Reflections of a Goocher is there with the live interview:

SU: Toddler, what are your thoughts on the police’s handling of this case in regards to your personal civil rights?

NJTWHBIFHISRGSMD: cruncha crackers moo says cows.

SU: Very well. Would you care to comment on the controversial sexual orientation of the domestic partners Muppet Bert and Muppet Ernie?

NJTWHBIFHISRGSMD: yoshu and the hey bert! ha ha ha

SU:Thank you for your time.

I’m sorry folks, due to unforeseen circumstances, circumspection and circumcisions that’s all the time we have this week. Let’s have a big hand for Nancy Van Hummelstein and Dr. Lipton Cloff, who will be around to answer your questions after he comes down out of that tree and can be convinced that he’s not the letter “G”. Let’s also hear it for Jason and the Argonauts, who played a great set while we were at commercials. Thanks everybody, drive safe and remember: if you can’t think of anything nice to say, go join a book club.

If Pigs Could Fly I’d Wear a Tin Sombrero
Carson made it work on the Tonight Show, which revealed the show’s roots: him and McMahon sitting in Johnny’s basement, smashed on Absolut and babbling incoherently about current events and Ed’s supernaturally large goiter. But damnit, it worked.

Riboflavin Sounds Like a Brand of Edible Condoms
I hope to escape the inevitable police dragnet when the AM-PM down the street realizes they’re short three packets of creamer. I tried to stop the guy but he had some kind of backyard-wrestling ninjitsu going on that I wasn’t adequately prepared to deal with.

Yours Truly For Four Easy Payments of $39.95
First off, do you know the names of those damn Umpa Lumpas who released their wreath on me? I think I might have winged one of them with an empty whiskey bottle, but those buggers do scurry off rather fast.

Bouncing My Thoughts to You Off the Shimmering Moon
Five years from now, I’d like to be, for all intents and purposes, Bjork. There you go. That is my five-year plan, though Dad tells me it shouldn't have taken five years just to come up with that.