Monday, June 10, 2002
Back in my school days I was of truest retro nature, riding a camel to school in a day when all the kids rode dromedaries, or at least Malibus. Can you pluralize Malibu? Sounds like a sickly French school bus to me.

Bas Lurman or no Bas Lurman (though of course I prefer the former), I have to say that retro anything is a good excuse to wear the clothes you get off the old couples when you do those home invasion robberies. You agree, no? Not fewer than seven times have I had the fashion-savvy passerby comment upon my depression-era negligee and feather boa. But I have to admit that even I cringe at those old high school yearbook photos, thinking as I did at the time that I was posing for a Playboy spread. Quite the challenge for a young Wisconsin boy but we’re of scrappy stock and suffer for our art.

And suffer we did! The episodes with Scrappy were the hardest Scooby Doos to watch, indeed. I always thought “Scooby Doo” sounded like something you find on your windshield after you get your car out of long-term parking at the airport. But still the courts would not hear my intellectual property suit, which was a shame since its pinstripes were exquisite. Am I getting through to you?

I'm so confused... if only Alex Trebek were here to help me out in my time of need…

-dissolve-

”Welcome to the show Stu, why don't you start us off and pick a category? Your choices are: “Kidd Rock’s in My Outhouse!” “High School Fashions of the Damned” “Andy Rooney's Hemorrhoid Pillow” “Things You've Eaten By Accident” and “What's In This Damn Shampoo?”.”

“I'll take Vanna White for a ride, Alex!”

“That's not an option, Stu. That's not even the right show.”

“Judges?”

“Goddammit Stu! Only I can question the judges! You're treading on thin ice mister!”

-jarring return to reality-

Last year I met those Hansen kids in person and I have to say, those were some cute motherfuckers. We’re talking cute beyond all intelligible speech. I had to communicate through a hand puppet the whole time. If I'd had more time to prepare, it probably wouldn't have been a boxing puppet of Hitler dressed up as a nun, but it was short notice and all. I don't think they really meant what they said about my ruining of their lives and all that. Crazy kids.

But a restraining order is a restraining order, as my dad used to say. And this one, I believe, has also been ratified by NATO. That can’t be right.

I was just commenting the other day: Man, Clorox sucks on cereal! Oh, wait -flips through mental file- I guess the relevant comment would actually be: I need to come up with a plan for my life. A mission, even. Do you have a mission, should I choose to accept it? Why thank you, I love Spanish architecture! Haha. That one never gets old. Seriously though, my plan:

(Read slowly, 'cause I don't write that fast.)

Five years from now, I’d like to be, for all intents and purposes, Bjork.

There you go. That is my five-year plan, though Dad tells me it shouldn't have taken five years just to come up with that. I told him to bite it, Hotsy.

Anyway, now I see a wayward soul trying to put a parking ticket on my windshield outside, I must go and act as his conscience. I did mention that I'm three inches tall, and a cricket, right?

A Brief Survey
We’d like you to take a little test for us, as we’re attempting to gauge the general public’s knowledge on the subject of various flavors of fruit bats.

JESUS: Son of God or Animated Talking Dog? Today’s Discussion
Congratulations, you’re now the proud owner of “EAT IT!”, the board game that makes cleaning out the refrigerator FUN! If you can’t name it’s atomic weight, you’re gonna EAT IT!

Ninety Seconds in Hell
"No, nevermind operator. I don't have an emergency. I mean to dial 9-1-2. Sorry."

Just the Fags, Ma’am
Anybody seen the new Daewoo sedan? Talk about the sweetest thing since eight pounds of cotton candy stuffed up the Qwik bunny's ass. Damn.

Swimming in a Lake of Lungs
There are three tricks you never want to teach a dog, and one of them is to explode. I'll let that sink in before I get to the other two.

Camp with Me, Only Separately
It shall be a grand old time, where I shall commune with nature, and be blacklisted as a communist agitator, never to work in Hollywood again. I shall fish, and bird... and ferret. I shall canoe... and I shall car.

Welcome to the Machine
Can you believe masturbate.com isn't in my spellchecker? What is this, the stone age?