Monday, April 29, 2002
How was your day?

Eh. Half and half.

Half milk and half cream?

Nope, more like Heroin and Alf.

Like Jerry Stahl?

I said Heroin and Alf.

Nevermind.

What's that you're drinking?

A can of orange juice.

I didn't see you shake that.

That's right, you didn't.

It says "Shake gently before enjoying".

Don't worry. I'm not enjoying it.

"No, nevermind operator. I don't have an emergency. I mean to dial 9-1-2. Sorry."

Do you realize those shoes don't go with those pants?

What, brown and black don't match now?

No, the characters.

Charlie Brown and Lucy don't go together? Did I miss an episode?

That's not Lucy, that's a Powerpuff Girl.

Really?

Uh-huh.

And Powerpout Girls don't go with Charlie Brown?

That's not Charlie Brown, that's Cartman.

The slob kid?

That's Pigpen. You're on the wrong show.

Then who in the hell do I have on my underwear?

Those are stains, not characters.

They have character.

I stand corrected.

Do you ever think about what happens when you die?

Your shoes change color and you have to bleach the sink.

That sounds dangerous for the environment. Like that movie.

Spice World?

No, the one with Jason Robards. Edwynn. Edwynn Broncobitch.

You never leave the house, do you?

Only during fire drills.

I've got one for you.

Only one?

Yes. Why is an elephant like an accordion?

Why?

I didn't say it was a joke.

Oh.

Do you think I'm fat?

Not impressively.

People say I'm the biggest waist of their time.

They'll do that.

I wonder if I'll get any more mail today?

Not likely. Unless you grow a mustache. I'd suggest handlebars.

You think that's why my bike keeps crashing?

You never know.

I take that personally.

I meant to bark it like a dog.

Once again, you've failed.

If I was executed by the press, would they use a noosepaper?

Not likely, I think they've gone Hindu. All I hear about is the press on nails.

I hear they make quiet neighbors. No creaking beds.

True, but they're hell on inflatable sheep.

What do you think of human cloning?

I think they should leave cloning to the clowns.

Too true. What about genetic engineering?

Somebody has to drive the trains.

You couldn't be more right.

I'm every bit the riot you are. I've got cars on fire.

I've got people setting fire to their own grandparents.

Really? Are they burning well?

Like cordwood.

I'll have to remember to pack some grandparents the next time I go camping.

Do you camp often?

-silence-

Hello?

Oh, sorry. I thought you were talking to someone else.

So did I.

Taxi!

Slugbug! -sock-

Just the Fags, Ma'am
Anybody seen the new Daewoo sedan? Talk about the sweetest thing since eight pounds of cotton candy stuffed up the Qwik bunny's ass. Damn.

Swimming in a Lake of Lungs
There are three tricks you never want to teach a dog, and one of them is to explode. I'll let that sink in before I get to the other two.

Camp with Me, Only Separately
It shall be a grand old time, where I shall commune with nature, and be blacklisted as a communist agitator, never to work in Hollywood again. I shall fish, and bird... and ferret. I shall canoe... and I shall car.

Welcome to the Machine
Can you believe masturbate.com isn't in my spellchecker? What is this, the stone age?