Monday, March 18, 2002
Racial profiling is an injustice that’s come to the attention of the media and public at large as of late. It is a horrible prejudice, to pick out and monitor people as if they are criminals based on their age, race, manner of dress, or social standing. Nobody stands firmer against the act of racial profiling than myself.

Low-income African-American men are well-documented as victims of such profiling. But they are not the only ones. Rich white people are also victims of this disease.

Nobody was more surprised than I when I found out, and I found out the hard way. I was driving my Lexus back from a get-together at the commune offices on New Year’s Eve when I was stopped by the police officer—a middle-income white woman.

She demanded I get out of the car and take these ridiculous sobriety tests. Naturally, I agreed and performed stupendously, I made the Dean’s List of sobriety. I casually mentioned what I do for a living and my name—I think my exact words were, “Do you know who I am? I’m Red Bagel, dammit. I could buy and sell you.” And that was all it took, once she found out I fit the profile, she went brutal on me. Declaring I failed the sobriety test, said I smelled like a brewery, that I had been driving on the sidewalk. All of these ridiculous charges lobbed at me based on my wealth, status, and their partial accuracy.

The humiliation was far from over, though. She handcuffs me like a common thief and takes me to prison in her squad car. Not before she fit in the snide comment, “I don’t know why I bother, you’ll be out in two hours.”

After 90 minutes of esteem-shattering imprisonment I returned to the commune offices, intent on researching and writing a column about this unsung injustice of $100,00+ profiling.

The conspiracy goes far deeper than you’d ever guess. Through all my research and calls to rich friends, famous friends, business owners or well-to-do members of the community, I could hardly assemble a case against this profiling. My statistical research proved fruitless as the bastards are clever enough to arrest just enough rich white people so they fall below the average in arrests per capita. Vile? Yes. Clever? Definitely.

I have to admit I’m at a loss for how to pursue this next. I’ve had to start at square one again, rebuild my case and attack with fervor. I’ve begun a class action lawsuit against police departments nationwide, though victims are slow to come forward. So far brave individuals like Robert Downey Jr., Christian Slater, Charlie Sheen, Heidi Fleiss, Mickey Rourke and Zsa Zsa Gabor have stepped forward to help make the case, but it’s not enough. These individuals don’t have a great history in the court room, so I’m still looking for more concrete proof first.

In the meantime, all I can do is keep quiet like the oppressed individual I am. I’ll pay my fine, receive my sentence, and find a way to weasel out of it like anyone else. But the next time I leave a happening party with a high blood alcohol level, I know I’ll have to keep looking over my shoulder. And that hurts.

Who is Preventing the Men At Work Reunion?
Who would you throw up against them? Pat Benatar? The Go-Go’s? Pitiful imitations Men Without Hats? All were common slaves in the arena against Men At Work—the gladiators.

I Fear the Olsen Twins Are Space Pilgrims
The wide-eyed, thin-smiled pre-pubescent clones may seem innocent enough, especially to the young or retarded. But the more innocent the doily the more insidious the teapot lurking underneath, or so my mad grandmother used to say.

Chuck E. Cheese is Using Child Labor to Cook Pizza
The culprit this time is Chuck E. Cheese. Where a kid can be a kid? I think not. Where a kid can be an unpaid source of exploitable labor is more like it.

Corporate America Has Jerked Us Around For Nothing
Who wouldn’t be outraged to hear the truth about how their contribution was exploited and wasted by the corporations involved?