I Fear the Olsen Twins Are Space Pilgrims
the commune's Red Bagel says his full house beats a pair
Monday, Feb. 18, 2002
I do not wish to set a precedent for presenting unfounded conspiracy theories to the
American public. I have stringent guidelines for material I accept and in turn present to you,
and if I have no evidence I deem concrete, say pictures, documents, or someone has
mentioned it to me at a night club, I file it away upstairs (in the attic) until something solid
presents itself. However, my fears cannot stay quieted. I have begun to theorize the Olsen
Twins are space pilgrims.
The cuddly Olsen Twins from ABC’s Full House and countless straight-to-video
productions? The same, conspiracy buffs.
The wide-eyed, thin-smiled pre-pubescent clones may seem innocent enough, especially to
the young or retarded. But the more innocent the doily the more insidious the teapot lurking
underneath, or so my mad grandmother used to say.
It is my theory that the Olsen Twins in fact started out as one baby, born to an American
woman impregnated with alien DNA during an abduction—this is not news, of
course, the whole alien abduction/impregnated with alien DNA is so old school conspiracy
theory it’s fairly boring. The interesting aspect here, and I’ve been looking into this, is that
the baby quickly acclimated superhuman intelligence and formed a scheme with its mother
where she profits from its salary while the alien baby infiltrated American consciousness at
its most cultish level—television. Of course, the trend is to hire twins to play one
character on television, mostly for children but this also works well for any show starring
Pamela Anderson. At that point the baby split itself into two separate beings, which
explains why no one can tell them apart.
The story from there is an easy and predictable one. Aliens grow up, aliens work inhuman
hours producing sub-par CDs, movies, and dolls. Aliens develop a loyal following of kids
too young to comprehend the danger they pose.
I label this “phase one.” It only gets worse from here.
I will gather evidence and shatter the blockade that holds the conspiracy in. I have nothing
to go on right now but sheer gusto and a distrust of the creepy aliens, but I’ve had feelings
like this before and trusted them, the most notable when I uncovered the downfall of
laserdiscs.
What’s next on the agenda of these twisted aliens, if unhindered? Colonization, that’s what.
Duh, that’s always what aliens come to other planets for. In fact, I would say as soon as the
hideous space pilgrims achieve a higher popularity they will initiate “phase two.” The only
thing that has delayed phase two thus far is poor production values and flimsy plotlines.
“Phase two” will find the alien organic matter splitting and multiplying once again, this time
into millions if not thousands, or billions, and might take up to three months. But by the time
we have realized the abuse of nature going on, we will be trapped in the claw of alien
pilgrims.
Then begins “phase three,” which is kind of iffy, I’m not really sure which way that could
go. They’ll surely suck our planet dry of resources, that’s a given. Whether it’s slave labor
or food for us I’m not sure, I’m sort of hopeful for the food angle, at least you assume it’ll
be quicker. But there’s no real way to tell until phase two starts rolling. It’s even possible
alien technology has a way of turning carbon-based lifeforms into fuel for their space craft,
that would be awesome.
Which is to say, I hope it doesn’t get that far. But we must be wary. This battle is far from
over. It hasn’t even yet begun. Most people don’t even believe there’s a battle. I’ll have to
look into it more.
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