The Lucky Break
by Smilin' Jack Costello 

Monday, Feb. 18, 2002
Hey, Shorty, go easy on that Red Man, wouldja? Thass all I got left, and you know how I like me a good chaw after supper. Toss it over t’here. Thanks, Shorty. Hey, you know what that reminds me of? That night with the talent scout down at the ol’ Smilin’ Dog Saloon. Was you there that night? That was one for the books, Shorty, I tell you what.

You know that ol’ gal, what’s her name, somethin’ kinda Frenchian, started singin’ a couple nights a week there ‘bout two years back? Neeter... Neeter Faye. Neeter Faye Waterboux. Yeah, Neeter Faye Waterboux, you remember, don’tcha, Shorty? Sure you do.

Anyway, she’d been singin’ there at the Smilin’ Dog, you know, that bar ol’ Roy Toe runs, down there at the Cherokee Ho-tel downtown, and she’d been bringin’ in some pretty good crowds, I guess. Ol’ Roy was about as happy as a fat tick on a weasel with all the bidness he was gettin’, so when she wanted to bring in a feller she knew from up there in Raleigh to try to give the place a little more pumblicity, why, he was all for it. What he didn’t know was that Neeter Faye was hopin’ this ol’ boy, Luther Waldrip was his name, was gon’ be her ticket to Hollywood or Las Vegas or one o’ them places. She wanted to be a star, you know?

Well, see what happened was Neeter Faye had it all planned. She wanted Roy to put on this big ol’ extravagranzal for the night Luther was gon’ be there, and then she was gon’ be the headliner and make her big day-bew and become a star. So she lined up a few other folks to go on ahead o’ her -- like that square-dancin’ couple, Johnny and Earline Ashton, and Jimmy Wayne Markel, the juggler.

Now see, the problem started when ol’ Jimmy Wayne heared about this feller out west somewheres that was a-jugglin’ chainsaws. He hadn’t never juggled no chainsaws hisself before, but he figgered jugglin’s jugglin’, so he was fixin’ to give it a try. And he wanted to do it special-like, on account o’ Neeter Faye’s big night and that ol’ boy Luther bein’ there.

Anyway, that night, there’s ol’ Luther sittin’ right there in the front row, and Jimmy Wayne comes out with a chainsaw, a bowlin’ ball and a pack o’ Red Man, and he starts to juggle all three of ‘em at oncet. But here’s the kicker, Shorty -- that chainsaw was a-goin’! And here’s Jimmy Wayne, just a-tossin’ it in the air like it ain’t nothin’. Well, ol’ Luther’s eyes like to bug out when he seen that. Then, on top o’ that, Jimmy Wayne pulls out a pinch from the Red Man pack whilst he’s a-jugglin’ it, and sticks it in his cheek!

Thass prob’ly where he made his mistake. See, the chainsaw then come down the wrong way, and instead o’ him flippin’ it back up in the air, that thing went and sliced off half o’ Jimmy Wayne’s forearm. I mean, you could see his meat and ever-thin’. Ol’ Luther didn’t know if that was part o’ th’ act or what, ‘cause Jimmy Wayne just kept on a-jugglin’ all them things like a billy-be-damn. With one hand! ‘Course it weren’t too long afore all hell broke loose, seein’ as how Jimmy Wayne’s hand landed in Neeter Faye’s cousin Wanda’s lap, and she started in t’ screamin’, and then blood started spurtin’ outta Jimmy Wayne’s arm stump an’ gettin’ all over ever-body in the front two rows, and then he finally passed out from losin’ all that blood. Them folks up front was just lucky that ol’ chainsaw just put a big hole in the stage, ‘stead o’ chewin’ up a few more folks afore they could get it turned off. I ain’t lyin’, Shorty, I was there, and I seen it. You could ask anybody.

Well, the upshot o’ all that was that Luther never did get to see Neeter Faye sing that night, what with all them folks gettin’ sick and passin’ out an’ all. But last I heared, ol’ Jimmy Wayne done all right by hisself. He’s out there in Californey now, calls hisself Jay Dubya, th’ One-Armed Juggler. I guess he uses one o’ them fake hands, whaddaya call ‘em, a prosthetutic, and he starts in jugglin’ with that, then slips it off an’ starts tossin’ it in the air along with all his other props.

Neeter Faye, now, she’s still singin’ a couple nights a week down at the ol’ Smilin’ Dog. You know what we oughta do, Shorty? We oughta go down there one o’ these nights and give her a big hand.