A Normal Family (Sarcasm Voice)
by Fritz Random 

Monday, Feb. 18, 2002
Bernard hated going home for the holidays. Flag Day was no exception. Flag Day always brought out the worst in the family—Dad’s drinking, Mom’s neurosis, brother Bob’s verbal abuse, sister Val’s being dead. Bernard was the only normal one, as normal as anybody could ask for, and all he asked for was one Flag Day that was truly special.

He wouldn’t get it this year. That was obvious from the minute he walked in the door. Mom had hung up the picture of Jesus right over the fireplace again. She said it was Tommy Chong, but Bernard knew it was Jesus and it was just there to spite him. Bernard was always the outcast of the family, being Jewish and successful while his family was Christian and white trash. It was always a point of dispute around Flag Day.

“Happy Flag Day, Bernard!” shouted Mom, in a voice louder than her talking voice.

“Don’t start already, Mom,” chided Bernard. “I know it’s Flag Day. The entire world knows it’s Flag Day. There’s nothing special about it.”

Mom was quiet. It turned out she was choking, and Bob had to give her the Heimlich before she could speak again.

“We were just about to have dinner!” she exclaimed.

“I’m not hungry,” Bernard stated simply, kicking the family dog across the floor when it came to greet him.

“Why? Did you eat?”

“Christ, you’re starting already!” snapped Bernard. “’Jew eat’! Very funny.”

“I said, ‘Did you eat?’” repeated Mom.

“Don’t lie to me! I’m Jewish, Mom. Get over it. What’s the matter?” laughed Bernard callously, “Does it make you unpopular with the P.T.A. to have a son who’s a big Jew?”

“No, son, you know that,” said Mom. “All the girls have big Jew sons. And I haven’t been to the P.T.A. since I got thrown out for making those sex tapes.”

“You don’t have to make me feel better, Mom,” growled Bernard, barking and peeing on the rug. “I know you’re ashamed of your big Jew son. Could be worse, right? At least I’m not a flaming homo!”

“Bernard! Don’t talk like that!” screamed Mom. “You know your father is a closet homosexual, hence all the depressive drinking.”

“I didn’t know Dad was a homosexual,” said Bob. “Why didn’t you tell me, you fat cunt?”

“Again with the verbal abuse!” shouted Bernard at Bob.

“He’s just playing, it’s just Bob’s way,” said Mom. “Bob, you know Dad’s been as gay as a Spanish soap opera since right after we had sex the first time. In fact, both you kids were conceived in fits of gayness. I was pretending to be Joe Namath and your father—”

“Christ!” wailed Bernard, though he was Jewish and didn’t believe in Him, “can’t we just have a normal Flag Day for once in our lives!” He sobbed weakly, then more powerfully, then incredibly powerfully. “Things haven’t been the same since sister Val died.”

Mom and Bob shared a glance, Bob getting the bigger piece.

“It’s time you knew, Bernard,” said Mom. “Val wasn’t really your sister. It was Bob in drag.”

For more of this great story, buy Fritz Random’s novel,
A Normal Family (Sarcasm Voice)