Radicals and Silverfish
by Smilin' Jack Costello 

Monday, Nov. 26, 2001
Hey Shorty, you remember that long-hair fella that we caught living out in Pete Steingel's barn all those years back, what was his name? The Unibrow? Univox? Some dang fruity-tooty made up thing not far from that. The one who'd been growin' them funny mushrooms that weren't no good for cookin' and whatnot?

You know the time. We was headin' out there to watch that barn cat that was eatin all that there lead paint that was flakin' offa Pete's barn, what was that cat's name? Snooker? Somethin' around them parts. Damn if that cat weren't more fun than a retarded stepson. Eatin all that paint and stumblin' round like Grandpa Sneb at bar time. Remember that time he fell outta that tree, into Pete's woodchucker? Well dang Shorty, I guess that's why we ain't seen that cat around lately. I'm thinkin' here he got himself woodchucked.

Anywhere, we was goin' out to have a laugh at that cat when we found that Unibrow out there livin in the barn like it was some Garden of Evan and his name was Evan. Only he didn't even get that part right, seeing as how he called himself Univ- Unicorn! Dang, Shorty, that's it! The Unicorn.

I remembert it now cause of what he always used to say, about how The Unicorn didn't need no job 'cept to live in the beauty of the Universe or some hoohash resemblin that. I remembert when Pete first heard him say that, Pete grabbed the hat offa The Unicorn's head and wiped his horse's ass with it, then told The Unicorn it was now his job to wear the Universe's shitty hat. Hee hee, dang iffn that Pete wasn't a quick one, ay Shorty? You'da thought he would have thought a switch off that woodchucker before he reached in there after that cat now, wouldn't ya? I sure miss Pete.

Anyhooch, The Unicorn musta took some kind of hint from that there hat-wipin' incident, because he was gone from the Steingel barn that night. I figgerd he must've shuffled on up a rainbow or some other such colorful way of leavin' town, so you understand why I ruined a good pair of drawers when I went down to my basement one night to set some bait for silverfish and found that unbathed lovechild livin' in the crawlspace behind my cooler. Sweet Moses, Shorty, I may have soiled your trousers and you wernt even there. And for that I apologize, Shorty, yessir for that I apologize.

Well, needless to say, Mr Unicorn received a swift education about the finer details of Kentucky ash in next to no time, and when he left town it was with a Looville Slugger logo tattooed backwards on his back door, as they're fond of sayin' over in Lewhampton. And to tell you the truth, Shorty, I didn't give a thought to him again for many a year after that, excepting the time I went down to my basement to spray for silverfish and found that mannequin that Harlon Rinkleather left in my house after he got juiced up and broke into Sears that one night. Needless to say, another pair of drawers met their maker that night, and when I flung them oft into the woods I remembered The Unicorn.

Anywaste, Shorty, the reason I bring it up is that fella was on the news the other night, or so I hear. Turns out he was a fumigate from justice, livin' over in Europe somewherest for all these years. They said he was some kinda radical somethin-other, I dunno. Maybe like a commugymnist or some such business.

Just think about it, Shorty! A real-live free-radical livin right betwixt our noses, and behind our coolers. Kinda scary, aint it? All this has got me thinkin that when I spray for silverfish this year, I might stop at that Po' Boy Market and pick up some free-radical spray while I'm at it. Never can be too careful, Shorty.

Yessir. Never can be too careful.