Chapter XIV -- Huh?
By DiscoBoy
"How the hell did Unreality get out that hole?" asked Gray Zombie. "It's
18 feet above the floor!"
"Maybe he hallucinated himself a ladder," suggested Dale DaMann.
"Is that even possible?" asked BuckFifty.
"I doubt it," said Lianna. "But we need to get out of here and find him!
Quick!"
She raced to the open door the now-defunct Aileen Quinn robot had come
through, closely followed by all the good guys, only to be stopped by
Glitterroch.
"Sorrrry," he said. "Tha's only th' doour to th' Aileen Quinn storage
closet. We're awl still stuck here."
"Damn!" said Zombie. "CyberBeast, can you use your cybernetic strength
to get back up through the hole in the ceiling?"
"I'm afraid not," he replied. "That Unreality really did a number on my
circuits. My mechanics are out of commission until I can get a repair
job."
"Looks like you need my help," said Dr. Xigeous, smugly.
"No thank you! I can take care of this one myself!" said the Beast as he
retreated to the farthest corner possible from the doctor, which was
kind of hard since the room was round.
"Well, I suppose we have to get these doors open again," said Lianna.
"Help me with these computers, Enapov!"
"Can't," she said. "Too busy playing Claire de Lune."
And so, Enapov sat at the piano, playing Claire de Lune endlessly,
completely ignoring Lianna, who harumphed and sat down at the console,
furiously typing commands and plugging and unplugging cables.
"What with the computer failure and the sabotage of CyberBeast's
cybernetics, it seems we have quite a few mechanical problems all at
once, don't we?" said Xigeous, even smugger than before.
"Thanks alot, Dr. Obvious!" snapped BuckFifty, pitching in to help
Lianna.
"It's pronounced Xigeous, thankyouverymuch," retorted the doctor. "But
I'll let that pass, since my supreme scientific mind might just have a
solution to this little problem."
Xigeous' smugness was overflowing and dribbling on the floor by this
point.
"Then do something, you windbag!" shreiked a clearly-exasperated Lianna.
"Well, you'll have to ask nicely, of course," said Xigeous.
Lianna growled under her breath. CyberBeast, Zombie, Buck and Lanzman
surrounded and menaced the helpless doctor.
"Or maybe I can just go ahead and use it," said Xigeous, his smugness
suddenly evaporating.
"Now," said CyberBeast.
"Um, okay, yes... now. Well, what I have here is this," said Xigeous,
producing a small gadget from underneath his coat. "It's a XIG-Retuner.
That stands for Xanthoxylin Infrared Gyroscopic Retuner. It uses a
crystalline phenolic ketone obtained from seeds of a shrubby Chinese
tree of the species Zanthoxylum Piperitum."
"That's all well and good," said Zombie, "but what does it do?"
"What it does," replied the doctor, feeling his smugness rising again,
"is instantly repair -- or 'retune' -- all mechanical and electronic
systems within a 100-yard radius. Watch."
He flipped a switch, and all of a sudden all the damaged electronics and
mechanics sprung back to life -- the computer system, CyberBeast's
cybernetics, and the Aileen Quinn robot.
"Kill! Kill! Slash! Maim! Destroy!" intoned the robot, rushing violently
across the room.
"Aaaahhh! Do somethin', somebody!" cried Glitterroch, jumping under
Enapov's piano.
Without a word, CyberBeast stepped up and smacked the robot, sending its
head flying across the room and smashing against the far wall into a
million pieces.
"Cool!" said Lianna as she pushed a button, opening all the doors again.
========================
STRANGE INTERLUDE:
Paul Erickson was no fool. He knew that if he wanted to make it big in
the movies, he'd have to start at the bottom and work his way to the
top. That included taking bit parts in silly, forgetable productions --
like that strenuously long story the cappers are writing. So, the role
of the pilot who flew SpydieGirl to the island seemed perfect -- a high
visibility project, but an easy part to learn that didn't take up too
much of his time. He was, however, disappointed that he only had the one
scene.
So, he decided to improvise.
Rather than flying directly home after his part was done, he took the
long way (across the Indian Ocean, over Africa, then across the
Atlantic) as a ploy to get more screen time. And, obviously, it's
working.
But, still, it was a long plane ride home, and as he was trying to keep
his mind occupied by reciting the names of all the American presidents
in order, first forward then backward, he spotted a gleam on the cabin
floor. It was Spydie's empty Coke bottle. What a slob, Paul thought! So,
he picked it up and tossed out the window. It fell several thousand feet
and landed with a thud on the African plains immediately in front of a
startled Bushman named Xixo, who considered it a gift from the generous
(although surely quite crazy) gods. Little did he know how much it would
change his life.
But that's a whole 'nother story that's already been told. Let's get
back to the important one...
========================
*CRASH!!!!*
The entire assembled cast lurched suddenly from side to side, much like
the cast of Star Trek used to do, but with much better reason.
"What was that?!?" cried Dale.
"Something must have crashed into the island!" said BuckFifty.
"No," said the emminently logical Lianna, looking at the computer
display. "We're the ones who did the crashing! Unreality must have left
the trolling motor on after his escape -- we've been moving this whole
time!"
Dr. Xigeous sat in the corner fuming. Lianna's logic had trumped him
again -- and he didn't even get to open his mouth this time!
"According to these readouts, we seem to have run smack dab into
Madagascar," said Enapov, who had sidled up to Lianna in an attempt to
butt in with her own logic.
"Madagascar?" said Gray Zombie, looking at Lanzman.
"You know what that means!" cried Lanzman.
"LEMURS!!!!" the pair cries in unison.
They bolted across the room and, before anyone could stop them, they
were out the newly-opened door, to the surface of the island, then
racing across the beach into the jungle.
"Wait! Come back, dammit!" cried CyberBeast, to no avail. "This whole
mission is heading rapidly into the toilet."
"Well, perhaps we should all adjorn to the beach, so we can assess the
damage to our little island and plot our next course of action," said
Dr. Xigeous, quite proud of his idea. He looked around, ready to receive
plaudits for the idea, only to realize everyone else (except Dale) had
already left and was headed for the surface. Dr. Xigeous harumphed and
followed, then stopped at the door when he noticed that Dale had stayed
behind.
"Well? Aren't you coming?" he asked.
"I'll be along in a minute," Dale replied. "I've just discovered the
most fascinating deduction here. The consequences are phenomenal!"
"Yeah, okay, whatever," said Xigeous as he trudged down the hall. Along
the way, he spotted a Deadly Ringer brand intruder alarm mounted high on
the wall, ringing loudly. The doctor's first thought was, "It must've
been jarred loose in the collision," followed closely by, "God, that
thing's annoying racket is killing me!" So, deciding to kill two birds
with one stone, he whipped out his little scientist and relieved himself
all over the alarm, silencing it.
With an incredible sense of relief, he climbed the stairs to the
surface, and made his way to the Madagascarian beach.
There, he discovered Glitterroch pacing up and down, waving his arms
frantically, distraught over the damage to his beautiful island. Enapov
was scouring the damage, thinking of a good way to fix it quickly.
CyberBeast was walking the treeline, searching the dense jungle with his
infrared vision for any sign of Lanz and Zombie. Meanwhile, Buck and
Spydie where asking Lianna where did she *ever* find that cute top,
because Spydie just *had* to have one just like it to go with the cutest
little mini skirt she got at Nordstrom's just last week, and Buck had
found this *great* sale at this little out-of-the-way boutique in
downtown Vancouver that carried the most *adorable* clothes in just his
size, although there were also some boots there that he wouldn't be
caught *dead* in, but even with that it was just such a *wonderful*
little store that he simply *had* to take Spydie and Lianna there as
soon as the mission was over.
Afraid of being upstaged by Lianna again, Xigeous decided to steer clear
of their conversation and join Enapov in the task of damage assessment.
Everyone was quite involved in their respective activities, but no so
involved that they didn't notice when a large box materialized on the
beach with a thunderous "WOOSH" and big clouds of smoke. Everyone slowly
gathered around.
"Should we open it?" asked Buck.
"I'm not going to open it. You open it," said Glitterroch.
"Who do you think it's from?" asked Lianna.
"We won't find out unless we open it," said Xigeous, proud to have
on-upped Lianna for a change.
"So, who's it going to be, then?" asked Enapov.
"Not me," said Spydie.
"Oh, for heaven's sake, I'll do it!" said a thoroughly exasperated
CyberBeast.
With his magnificent cybernetic strength, he ripped open the cardboard
flaps. (He didn't really need his cybernetic strength to do that, but he
just liked showing off once in a while.)
"Why the hell would anyone send us a box full of shredded-up Fingerhut
catalogs?" he asked, sifting the strips of paper through his fingers.
"The heinous fiends!" shouted Xigeous.
"Truly, an evil genius after my own heart," said Glitterroch.
"Fingerhut's merchandise has an unparalleled kitsch value that can
weaken the resolve of even the must upright citizens. I should've
thought of that!"
"No, you screwballs! That's just the packing material. The real goodies
are still inside," said Lianna.
Cyberbeast dug out all the paper and lifted out the true contents of the
box.
"It's a disc -- oh, boy!"
========================
Will Lanz and Zombie ever find the precious lemurs they've been
searching their whole lives for?
Will Dale's phenomenal deduction change the plot, and all life as we
know it?
Will Enapov ever get the island up and running again?
Will Spydie find that cute top she's been looking for?
Will the Dodgers be able to continue their winning streak against Junior
and the Cincinnati Reds?
And what the hell is on the disc?
Find out in the next exciting chapter to be written by -- Suggs!
