Chapter Thirteen - The Plot Embiggens
By Xigeous
Super Secret Agent BuckFifty stood in the center of the room, blue-
faced, a bit unsteady on his feet, and involuntarily mouthing the
words "Tomorrow... Tomorrow..."
Enapov could never resist a man in a dress. A kilt would do for now.
She momentarily overlooked the fact that he had escaped the torture
room and openly flirted with him.
"Say, is that pancake batter on your kilt or are you just happy to
see me?
Lianna Skywalker, also a flirt (but in a much more subtle way), was
disgusted. "Oh, Enapov, even your humor is evil!"
Glitterroch quickly changed the subject. "I'm impressed with your
escape, Mr. Fifty, but *why* the kilt?"
Buck was too stunned to answer. If he wasn't still in shock from the
heinous musical torture he had just undergone, he wouldn't have
accidentally wandered into his nemesis' hands in the first place. All
he could do was roll his eyes, point to Glitterroch, and moan. All
eyes followed Buck's finger to Glitterroch. Everyone gasped in
horror. He was standing by the fire, just as he was a moment ago,
except now he was wearing a pink sequined ballerina outfit.
"What are you all gawking at?" he snapped. Then the ever-pretty and
delicate outer trim of his tutu caught his eye. "WHAT the Sugar Plum
Fairy has happened to me?"
Within the next few seconds, everyone in the room was inexplicably
wearing a festive yet totally inappropriate outfit. Dr. Xigeous was
dressed as Benjamin Franklin. Lanzman's super hero apparel was now a
Court Jester's costume. Cyberbeast was dressed like the Tin Man from
the Wizard of Oz. Agent Gray Zombie was a Chippendale Dancer. Enapov
was Snow White's evil step-mother. SpydieGirl was Big Bird. DaMann
was Santa Claus. Lianna was Father Guido Sarducci (complete with
mustache).
Everyone stood dumbfounded. Then Dr. Xigeous remembered the
phrase "without words or logical connection to the
story" that was spoken just a few moments ago by a mysterious
visitor, the barely seen guest who had quickly appeared and vanished.
He waggled his wig ever so slightly. "What a fool I am to have not
caught on sooner! I believe this is the work of Super-Hacker
Extraordinaire Dr. UnReality!"
All of them muttered, "Who?" (except for Agent Fifty who just gurgled
in an sad attempt to speak a message of the utmost importance).
"Dr. UnReality!" reiterated Xigeous, "He's had many articles written
about him in MADD Scientist Magazine. It's estimated that he's been
responsible for 95 percent of the urban Legends, pyramid schemes, and
computer viruses that have infected the Internet. His greatest
pleasure is to cause confusion, embarrassment, and chaos. He looks
for no other reward."
"I remember now," interrupted Lianna as she pulled at her mustache.
She had spend much time examining the effects of mass hypnosis and
devious hoaxes while studying parapsychology. Dr. UnReality, himself,
was considered an urban myth by many in her circle. She continued her
interruption with "The UnReality legend went on to say that he tired
of his Internet tom-foolery because he never actually got to *see*
the effects of his work first hand. It was no longer enough for him
to read about it in the newspaper."
"Yes, yes," continued Xigeous, who wanted the floor returned to
him, "MADD magazine said he'd been working on an Hallucination
Machine, a gadget he could carry with him anywhere, enabling him to
cause embarrassment and mayhem right before his eyes."
"What are you saying, Xigeous?" asked DaMann as he fluffed his
beard, "Do you mean there's an invisible Mad Scientist right here in
this room, carrying a Hallucination Machine, and we're only imagining
we're wearing these costumes?"
"Precisely, "answered the doctor, "I'm sure we've just received
verbal but subliminal suggestions to our subconscious through this
device."
He then turned to the room and addressed Dr. UnReality. "And you are
NOT really invisible, are you Doctor? You've just given us a
subliminal suggestion NOT to see you! Is that NOT correct?"
He did not expect an answer. Enapov shouted to the computer, "HOWARD!
Seal the room!" and the three doors that lead to the library slammed
shut and locked themselves to the tune of little buzzing noises.
Cyberbeast immediately started scanning the room with his mechanical
right eye, looking for any heat radiation that would give away an
unsee-able man's position. "I know how to find him" he boasted.
Suddenly, everyone was returned to their original clothing.
"He's trying to make us think he's not here," guessed Xigeous.
"I don't think so," shouted Lianna, who was much better at deductive
reasoning than the doctor, "I think his machine can only handle so
many illusions at one time. At this point, he's finding it more
prudent to use all the power of his device to avoid detection."
Xigeous was angry that she made this excellent point but bit his
tongue, "All right then, Cyber, keep scanning for unusual activity in
the room. Look for heat radiation, Curlian outlines, bio-electrical
auras, infra-red light displacement..."
"That won't do any good," shouted Lianna, once again the paranormal
expert. "This not a *physical* invisibility. It is a *logical*
invisibility. No matter what kind of vision Cyber uses, his mind
won't permit him to see evidence of UnReality's presence because it's
been ordered not to."
It was another good point and Dr. Xigeous was simply FURIOUS that
Lianna scooped him again. SpydieGirl cut in with "All right, all
right then. It's agreed, our minds won't permit us to see him but we
can still GRAB him, can't we?"
"Yes!" answered Xigeous, who quickly glanced towards Lianna in fear
of another contradiction and then continued with, "Everyone, search
the room!"
The group extended their arms and began to move about the library.
Suddenly, little clicking noises came from the computer on the shelf.
The logically invisible Dr. UnReality was programming the island to
move again. No one was ready when the room bolted forward. It was a
diversionary tactic and a good one. The Island had actually been
programmed to spin and it was soon rotating at full speed. The entire
building vibrated like an ancient locomotive. The room shook as
clouds moved across the window at a frightful pace. Books flew off
the shelves and glasses rolled off the tables. There was also a lot
of screaming as the heroes and villains repeatedly fell, stood up,
and fell on top of each other again.
Gray Zombie got up and shouted over the rumbling "Glitterroch, get to
that computer! Everyone else, help me pin down UnReality!"
Glitterroch did as instructed. He struggled to the computer and
banged confidently at the keys. The island kept spinning though. He
didn't realize that UnReality had ingeniously altered the computer to
ignore anyone else's commands. He had used his advanced hacker
knowledge of breaking security codes and by-passing safety walls. It
had only taken UnReality a few seconds to make the computer totally
inoperable. (He pulled the keyboard cable half-way out of the CPU.)
Glitterroch, completely unaware, typed away furiously and
unrelentingly as the noise in the room increased. "Respond!" he kept
yelling "Respond dammit!"
At the same time, everyone else helped Gray Zombie search for
UnReality (except for Super Agent Buck Fifty, who was no longer blue-
faced or wearing a kilt but just standing there softy singing "I
think I'm gonna like it here" from "Annie"). They struggled to
maintain their balance as they swept the room with their arms, trying
to locate the logically invisible Doctor. It looked like a Saturday
Night Live Bad Ballet sketch.
After about ten seconds of searching, Enapov screamed above the
rumbling, "Sorry folks, I wasn't hired to do manual labor. Count me
out of this."
She sat (or, more literally, fell) down at a piano on the opposite
end of the room and cracked her knuckles, "I'll supply a
little 'searching for UnReality' music to motivate you."
She started pounding away "You're never fully dressed without a
smile" from "Annie." She sang along. The noise in the room was
becoming unbearable. Through deafening rumbling, crashing, and
screaming, came Enapov's off-key soprano voice as she whacked away at
the piano...
*BOOOOM*
o/~ You're never fully dressed o/~
*SCREAM*
o/~ without a smile o/~
*CRASH*
Rumble-Rumble-Rumble!
BuckFifty grabbed his ears, fell to his knees sobbing, and blew
bubbles out of his nose.
Lanzman, very dizzy from all the spinning, immediately tripped over
him and cried, "Ow! I fell on my bells!" (Of course, he was no longer
wearing the court jester outfit but he forgot.)
Dale DaMann also quickly lost interest in the chase. He had
recognized this as his one time opportunity to realize his life long
fantasy of endlessly rolling over some sexy babes during an earth-
quake. He got behind Lianna and fell on her. He apologized, got
behind SpydieGirl, and fell on her. He apologized, and returned to
Lianna. There was so much noise and confusion, neither of the women
ever caught on. And DaMann was beside himself with delight,
experiencing his weight on their slim toned vibrating bodies again
and again. "It doesn't get any better than this," he thought.
Dr. Xigeous was soon leaning on a wall, overtly holding his delicate
back so everyone could see why he dropped out of the chase.
Cyberbeast was decimating the furniture with every crash. The rest of
the group was careful to give his several hundred pounds of mass all
the room it needed to fall.
Unfortunately, despite the sincere efforts of most of them, the room
was large and it was easy for UnReality to avoid them.
Xigeous had another idea. He had done many experiments on Lanzman in
attempts to endow him with supernatural powers. One of the few that
ever took hold was the ability to run 1.3 times faster than any
human. (Unfortunately, Xigeous' short-sightedness never took into
account the drag of Lanzman's cape so, once in super-hero costume, he
actually ran 1.3 times *slower* than any human.) He shouted to
Lanzman in a secret language that only the two of them knew, "Lanzo,
moven atta youren supra-speedo througe der roomen!"
What?" answered Lanzman, "Remove my speedos and moon the room? I
don't see how that will help but mine is not to
reason why..."
Before Xigeous could correct him, Lanzman's cape was thrown up, his
pants were dropped down, and his muscular butt was unleashed on the
room. Everyone in unison made a horrific "G'AH" noise. Even
the "invisible" Dr. UnReality (who had been standing right behind
Cyberbeast to avoid any accidental detection) couldn't resist giving
himself away with a cry of disgust.
Cyberbeast heard him, swung around, and grabbed at the air until he
found him. "Got him!" he cheered, "Somebody grab his Hallucination
Machine and turn it off!"
As Cyber held firmly to UnReality arms, the rest of the group ran
their hands up and down his unseen body (except for BuckFifty who had
rolled into a fetal position under the coffee table and Enapov who
was too busy catching one last shot of Lanzman's butt as he pulled
his speedos up).
Unreality's disturbing cries of "Woo-woo-WOOOO! WHO's your Daddy?
YESSS!" rang through the loud rumbling as the man, who had never even
kissed a girl before, was now being groped by eight people at once.
He was the cornucopia shaped Hallucination Machine on his head to
make it harder to find but eventually became so excited by Lianna's
repeated "accidental" fondling of his crotch that he screamed
out "Mama's pajama's!" and let the machine fly. It landed at the feet
of Super Agent Gray and became completely visible. He picked it up
and examined it. It looked like a Dr. Suess creation, a foot long,
all silver except for its many red buttons, gold switches, and
crystal dials. It had a little speaker into which UnReality had been
whispering crazy hallucinations for the group to experience. These,
in turn, had been converted into electro-magnetic impulses and
transmitted to the subliminal-hearing portion of their brains for
execution.
"Turn it off!" yelled Cyber.
Everyone who could get near it started pushing buttons and flipping
switches. They managed to hit every thing but the OFF and CANCEL ALL
HALLUCINATIONS buttons.
At this point, there was an odd noise that sounded like the world's
largest vacuum cleaner shorting out. The room rumbled a little more
and then stopped moving. Something had overheated and blown out.
There was the feint aroma of burnt rubber in the room (and everywhere
on the island for that matter). Everyone was grateful. Even Dale
DaMann who knew this was going to be expensive yelled "Hallelujah!"
One problem was out of the way but Dr. UnReality was
still "invisible."
After a few moments of everyone's sighing in relief, Lanzman
said, "Look, just give the Hallucination Machine to Cyberbeast and
let him smash it with his mechanical arm."
"Nooooo!" immediately interjected DaMann, who was the least short-
sighted of them all, "That machine is invaluable!"
It was the wrong thing to say. Up until that point, heroes and
villains alike were united under a common threat. Now, the two sides
remembered that they were, in fact, mortal enemies with opposing
objectives. They realized who-ever ended up with that hallucination
machine could achieve world domination... or avert it!
Agent Gray clutched the machine like a football and backed away from
the group. He allowed Xigeous, Lanzman, SpydieGirl, and Lianna to
move in front of him like protective chess pieces. DaMann,
Glitterroch, and Enapov were put out of arm's length of the machine
and didn't like it.
Cyberbeast waved his real arm at Gray and again told him to "TURN IT
OFF ALREADY." He held on to UnReality's logically invisible arm with
his powerful mechanical hand. Gray, pushed a few more buttons on the
machine as the villains eyed each other, wondering if they should
make a move now or wait for UnReality's appearance. Eventually, the
device made a pleasing BLEEP noise and all its little lights went
out. Finally, it was off. Immediately, all heads turned to Cyberbeast
to see what UnReality looked like. They were greatly disappointed.
"I don't understand!" yelled SpydieGirl. "He's still invisible!"
Cyberbeast *was* still holding on to something... he thought. His
mechanical hand was in a grasping position but he could not move it.
He then sadly noticed the small metallic cover on his right forearm
had been opened.
"Damn!" yelled Cyber, "As I was watching you guys fiddle with that
contraption, UnReality was fiddling with the circuitry of my
mechanical arm. He disconnected me from the wrist down and slipped
out of my grasp."
Lianna jumped forward, "But he should still be in this room,
shouldn't he?"
Enapov answered her, "Yes, the computer still has all the doors
locked."
They quickly separated and again began searching the room, this time
with just their eyes (except Agent Fifty whose head was sticking out
from behind some curtains as he repeatedly said "Coffee... coffee...
coffee...") Agent Gray kept his back to the wall as he clung to the
Hallucination Machine. Enapov passed Agent Fifty and said, "Sorry,
Buck, no coffee will be served at the moment. Glitterroch doesn't
permit my dessert tray in the library."
With those words, Gray Zombie gave pause and regained faith in fellow
Agent BuckFifty's ability to talk sense while in shock. He realized
there must be *some* meaning behind his rambling. He looked in the
direction that Agent Fifty was staring. Everything in the room was
overturned from the recent havoc except the coffee table which had
been moved to the center of the room. A chair was on top of it. Gray
thought, "Could something fall *up* during an earthquake?" then
shouted aloud "Damn it all!"
All eyes followed Gray's to the hole in the wall above the coffee
table, the same hole Cyber had fallen though when they first entered
the library. Gray knocked the chair off the table but UnReality was
long gone.
"Well, what a colossal waste of time THIS has been" complained Dale
DaMann.
"Not really," answered Gray, "The GOOD guys got possession of the
hallucination machine, didn't they?"
"Yes," continued Enapov, "but the BAD guys have still have you
trapped in their library...sort of."
"From where I'm standing," retorted SpydieGirl, "We're all equally
trapped in this room until you unlock the doors."
"And *I* still have to drain the little Scientist!" whimpered Xigeous.
"Woof!" added BuckFifty.
Lianna, ever the expert in abstract reasoning, sat down and
sighed "I'm wondering. Did this all really happen? Or is the
Hallucination Machine still running somewhere and we only *think* we
have it?"
"OW!" cried Lanzman, "You just gave me such a head-ache."
One of the doors suddenly shot open. Aileen Quinn slowly walked in
repeating the word "Tomorrow" over and over again. Each time she said
it, it was pronounced more slowly and in a deeper voice. Finally, she
stopped speaking all-together and froze where she stood. Smoke
floated out of her ears.
Glitterroch turned to Enapov and yelled, "I TOLD you she needed a new
power pack!"
******end chapter thirteen******
