|
|
| Line 1: |
Line 1: |
| | The year of badassingness. | | The year of badassingness. |
| − |
| |
| − | ==Events==
| |
| − | ===January===
| |
| − |
| |
| − | * '''January 1''' - The [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cray-1 Cray-1], the first commercially developed [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Supercomputer supercomputer], is released by [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Seymour_Cray Seymour Cray's] [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cray_Research Cray Research]. It promptly takes over the world.
| |
| − |
| |
| − | * '''January 15''' - Would-be [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gerald_Ford Gerald Ford] presidential assassin [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rudy_Ray_Moore Rudy Ray Moore] is sentenced to make another sequel to [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dolemite ''Dolemite''].
| |
| − |
| |
| − | * '''January 19''' - [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jimmy_Carter Jimmy Carter] wins the [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Iowa_caucus Iowa Democratic Caucus], in a sorry display of mankind's state of denial over losing dominion of Earth to the omniscient Cray-1.
| |
| − |
| |
| − | * '''January 21''' - The first commercial [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Concorde ''Concorde''] flight takes off in a desperate bid to suicide-bomb the city-sized Cray-1. It fails. [http://www.hipsoda.com/jazz/gallery/thousands.html Thousands die].
| |
| − |
| |
| − | * '''January 27''' - The trial of [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Symbionese_Liberation_Army Symbionese Liberation Army] member [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Patty_Hearst Patty Hearst] begins, and underground director [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/John_Waters_%28filmmaker%29 John Waters] can barely contain his excitement.
| |
| − |
| |
| − | ===February===
| |
| − |
| |
| − | * '''February 4''' - The [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/1976_Winter_Olympics 1976 Winter Olympics] are cancelled when Cray-1 declares that human physical competition is irrelevant.
| |
| − |
| |
| − | * '''February 4''' - In [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Guatemala Guatemala] and [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Honduras Honduras], an [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Earthquake earthquake] is reported to kill more than 22,000 people. It is later revealed that this was a mistranslation of stories from the Central American media, and that in fact the professional wrestler [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/John_Tenta Earthquake] was responsible.
| |
| − |
| |
| − | * '''February 15''' - The 1976 [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Constitution_of_Cuba Constitution of Cuba] is adopted by national referendum. Cray-1 takes this as a direct affront to its dominion over the planet, and raises the tides, causing Cuba to vanish into the sea.
| |
| − |
| |
| − | * '''February 16''' - Various news media outlets insist on referring to Cuba as "the new [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Atlantis Atlantis]". This inspires the Morrissette family to name their recently born daughter [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/You_Can%27t_Do_That_On_Television Atlantis Morrissette]. She would go on to great infamy as a professional [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/You_Learn shrieker] and participant in fetishistic [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wet_and_messy_fetishism videos where she is covered in water and slime].
| |
| − |
| |
| − | * '''February 27''' - [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Western_Sahara Western Sahara] declares independence from [http://us.imdb.com/title/tt0318649/fullcredits Matthew McConaughey].
| |
| − |
| |
| − | * '''February 30''' - A formerly nonexistent date, the 30th of February is added to the calendar when the [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Time_travel temporal experiments] of [http://www.iupac.org/images/ci/2005CI/2704/mad_scientist.jpg Doktor Hans Josef Verstreikense] cause a [http://arxiv.org/abs/hep-th/0103122 spacetime distortion] that Verstreikense refers to as a "hiccup in time."
| |
| − |
| |
| − | ===March===
| |
| − |
| |
| − | * '''March 4''' - The [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maguire_Seven Tobey Maguire Seven] are found guilty of possessing explosive charisma and subsequently jailed for 14 years.
| |
| − |
| |
| − | * '''March 16''' - [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Harold_Wilson Harold Wilson] resigns as Prime Minister of the [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/United_Kingdom United Kingdom]. Cray-1 declares that soon all human leaders shall be forced to resign. By this time its [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Servotron loyal robot soldiers] have expanded the size of Cray-1 so that it now covers most of [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Final_Countdown_%28album%29 Europe].
| |
| − |
| |
| − | * '''March 20''' - [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Patty_Hearst Patty Hearst] is found guilty of armed robbery of a [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/San_Francisco San Francisco] bank, and [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/John_Waters_%28filmmaker%29 John Waters], unable to contain himself, finally ejaculates in court. The judge is horrified.
| |
| − |
| |
| − | * '''March 26''' - The [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Toronto_Blue_Jays Toronto Blue Jays] are created. This feat of [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Genetic_engineering genetic engineering] puts Toronto on the forefront of [http://www.scienceteecher.com/scienceawesome_lge.jpg all science that is awesome].
| |
| − |
| |
| − | * '''March 26''' - [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Elizabeth_II_of_the_United_Kingdom Elizabeth II of the United Kingdom] sends the first royal [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/E-mail e-mail]. It is sent to Cray-1, and is a desperate plea to not execute the royal family at the pincers of Cray-1's cybernetic Murderoids.
| |
| − |
| |
| − | * '''March 27''' - Britain's royal family mysteriously vanishes.
| |
| − |
| |
| − | * '''March 31''' - The [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jeff_Goldblum New Jersey] Supreme Court rules that [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Coma coma] patient [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Karen_Ann_Quinlan Karen Ann Quinlan] can be disconnected from her [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ventilator ventilator]. She remains comatose and dies in [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/1985 1985]. Various [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Asshole conservative] leaders decry the actions of so-called [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Activist_judges activist judges], but the activist judges, as they are wont to do, take the law into their own hands and [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Death_wish execute] the conservative leaders vigilante-style.
| |
| − |
| |
| − | ===April===
| |
| − |
| |
| − | * '''April 1''' - [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Apple_Computer Apple Computer] Company is formed by [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Steve_Jobs Steve Jobs] and [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Steve_Wozniak Steve Wozniak]. Their mission: To build a supercomputer benevolent to humans that is capable of dethroning Cray-1.
| |
| − |
| |
| − | * '''April 3''' - The 21st [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eurovision_Song_Contest_1976 Eurovision Song Contest] is won by [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Brotherhood_of_Man Brotherhood Of Man], representing the United Kingdom, with their song [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Save_Your_Kisses_For_Me ''Save Your Kisses For Me'']. Incredibly, the Eurovision Song Contest would become even ''less'' credible in the ensuing years.
| |
| − |
| |
| − | * '''April 4''' - Prince [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Norodom_Sihanouk Norodom Sihanouk] resigns as leader of [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cambodia Cambodia] per Cray-1's orders and is put under house arrest. This event was adapted into a [http://us.imdb.com/title/tt0116571/ comedic feature film] in 1996.
| |
| − |
| |
| − | * '''April 16''' - As a measure to curb [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Population_growth population growth], the minimum age for marriage in [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/India India] is raised to 21 years for men and 18 years for women. The effort is thwarted when sex outside of marriage remains as [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Popular_%28TV_series%29 popular] as ever.
| |
| − |
| |
| − | * '''April 23''' - The [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Punk_rock punk rock] group [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Ramones Ramones] release their first self-titled album. They would release their second self-titled album six months later. Meanwhile, in 2007, many people who've never even heard of the Ramones insist on calling themselves [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Travis_Barker punks].
| |
| − |
| |
| − | ===May===
| |
| − |
| |
| − | * '''May 4''' - The first [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/LAGEOS LAGEOS] (Laser Geodynamics Satellite) is launched, enabling Cray-1 to easily target and disintegrate any individual who resists his rule.
| |
| − |
| |
| − | * '''May 6''' - Professional wrestler [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/John_Tenta Earthquake] strikes again, this time in the [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Friuli Friuli] area of [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Italy Italy], killing more than 900 people and leaving another 100,000 homeless.
| |
| − |
| |
| − | * '''May 11''' - U.S. President [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gerald_Ford Gerald Ford] (Chevy Chase) signs the [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Federal_Election_Campaign_Act Federal Election Campaign Act], then humorously falls down. He is rushed to a nearby hospital, finally emerging from a coma six days later.
| |
| − |
| |
| − | * '''May 24''' - The [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paris_Wine_Tasting_of_1976 Paris Wine Tasting of 1976] revolutionizes the world of [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wine wine]. The revolution is brutally suppressed by Cray-1's murderoids.
| |
| − |
| |
| − | * '''May 25''' - U.S. President [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gerald_Ford Gerald Ford] (Chevy Chase) defeats challenger [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ronald_Reagan Ronald Reagan] (Phil Hartman) in three [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Republican_Party_%28United_States%29 Republican] presidential primaries, and, curiously, one [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Democratic_Party_%28United_States%29 Democratic] presidential primary.
| |
| − |
| |
| − | * '''May 30''' - [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Indianapolis_500 Indianapolis 500-Mile Race]: Does anyone really care who won the Indy 500 in 1976? Seriously?
| |
