Category:1976 births

The year of badassingness.

Events

January

• January 1 - The Cray-1, the first commercially developed supercomputer, is released by Seymour Cray's Cray Research. It promptly takes over the world.

• January 15 - Would-be Gerald Ford presidential assassin Rudy Ray Moore is sentenced to make another sequel to Dolemite.

• January 19 - Jimmy Carter wins the Iowa Democratic Caucus, in a sorry display of mankind's state of denial over losing dominion of Earth to the omniscient Cray-1.

• January 21 - The first commercial Concorde flight takes off in a desperate bid to suicide-bomb the city-sized Cray-1. It fails. Thousands die.

• January 27 - The trial of Symbionese Liberation Army member Patty Hearst begins, and underground director John Waters can barely contain his excitement.

February

• February 4 - The 1976 Winter Olympics are cancelled when Cray-1 declares that human physical competition is irrelevant.

• February 4 - In Guatemala and Honduras, an earthquake is reported to kill more than 22,000 people. It is later revealed that this was a mistranslation of stories from the Central American media, and that in fact the professional wrestler Earthquake was responsible.

• February 15 - The 1976 Constitution of Cuba is adopted by national referendum. Cray-1 takes this as a direct affront to its dominion over the planet, and raises the tides, causing Cuba to vanish into the sea.

• February 16 - Various news media outlets insist on referring to Cuba as "the new Atlantis". This inspires the Morrissette family to name their recently born daughter Atlantis Morrissette. She would go on to great infamy as a professional shrieker and participant in fetishistic videos where she is covered in water and slime.

• February 27 - Western Sahara declares independence from Matthew McConaughey.

• February 30 - A formerly nonexistent date, the 30th of February is added to the calendar when the temporal experiments of Doktor Hans Josef Verstreikense cause a spacetime distortion that Verstreikense refers to as a "hiccup in time."

March

• March 4 - The Tobey Maguire Seven are found guilty of possessing explosive charisma and subsequently jailed for 14 years.

• March 16 - Harold Wilson resigns as Prime Minister of the United Kingdom. Cray-1 declares that soon all human leaders shall be forced to resign. By this time its loyal robot soldiers have expanded the size of Cray-1 so that it now covers most of Europe.

• March 20 - Patty Hearst is found guilty of armed robbery of a San Francisco bank, and John Waters, unable to contain himself, finally ejaculates in court. The judge is horrified.

• March 26 - The Toronto Blue Jays are created. This feat of genetic engineering puts Toronto on the forefront of all science that is awesome.

• March 26 - Elizabeth II of the United Kingdom sends the first royal e-mail. It is sent to Cray-1, and is a desperate plea to not execute the royal family at the pincers of Cray-1's cybernetic Murderoids.

• March 27 - Britain's royal family mysteriously vanishes.

• March 31 - The New Jersey Supreme Court rules that coma patient Karen Ann Quinlan can be disconnected from her ventilator. She remains comatose and dies in 1985. Various conservative leaders decry the actions of so-called activist judges, but the activist judges, as they are wont to do, take the law into their own hands and execute the conservative leaders vigilante-style.

April

• April 1 - Apple Computer Company is formed by Steve Jobs and Steve Wozniak. Their mission: To build a supercomputer benevolent to humans that is capable of dethroning Cray-1.

• April 3 - The 21st Eurovision Song Contest is won by Brotherhood Of Man, representing the United Kingdom, with their song Save Your Kisses For Me. Incredibly, the Eurovision Song Contest would become even less credible in the ensuing years.

• April 4 - Prince Norodom Sihanouk resigns as leader of Cambodia per Cray-1's orders and is put under house arrest. This event was adapted into a comedic feature film in 1996.

• April 16 - As a measure to curb population growth, the minimum age for marriage in India is raised to 21 years for men and 18 years for women. The effort is thwarted when sex outside of marriage remains as popular as ever.

• April 23 - The punk rock group Ramones release their first self-titled album. They would release their second self-titled album six months later. Meanwhile, in 2007, many people who've never even heard of the Ramones insist on calling themselves punks.

May

• May 4 - The first LAGEOS (Laser Geodynamics Satellite) is launched, enabling Cray-1 to easily target and disintegrate any individual who resists his rule.

• May 6 - Professional wrestler Earthquake strikes again, this time in the Friuli area of Italy, killing more than 900 people and leaving another 100,000 homeless.

• May 11 - U.S. President Gerald Ford (Chevy Chase) signs the Federal Election Campaign Act, then humorously falls down. He is rushed to a nearby hospital, finally emerging from a coma six days later.

• May 24 - The Paris Wine Tasting of 1976 revolutionizes the world of wine. The revolution is brutally suppressed by Cray-1's murderoids.

• May 25 - U.S. President Gerald Ford (Chevy Chase) defeats challenger Ronald Reagan (Phil Hartman) in three Republican presidential primaries, and, curiously, one Democratic presidential primary.

• May 30 - Indianapolis 500-Mile Race: Does anyone really care who won the Indy 500 in 1976? Seriously?