Difference between revisions of "AgentQ"

Revision as of 07:54, 5 February 2008

Handle: AgentQ
Real Name: Brian R[CLASSIFIED]
D.O.B.: A while ago
Occupation: Yes
Marital Status: False
Kids: Doubtful
Handle Origin: Indeed
Alternate Handle(s): Not lately
You Can Find Me Capping: If you've got nothing better to do

Love Handle(s): Hey, fuck you

Personal info

I can only revise this field so many times, so right now I'm going to let guest author and professional mad scientist Doktor Zorloff (pictured) write the biography section.

Biography

This so-called "AgentQ" is evidently a "capper" of some kind.

I have no knowledge of this "capping" activity, and do not care to learn. Instead, I have chosen to devote my time to SCIENCE. There are many fields of study that have been shunned or frowned upon by the so-called "establishment" because these so-called scientists have grown COMPLACENT. They no longer wish to explore the frontiers of knowledge. They are no longer concerned with scientific INQUIRY. These petulant fools feel that there is nothing new under the sun! That they know all there is to know! That WE HAVE SUFFICIENTLY ADVANCED!

FOOLS! You threw me out of the academy in DISGRACE because I dared to CHALLENGE YOUR PRECONCEIVED NOTIONS! You said what I wanted to explore wasn't POSSIBLE! You said what I wanted to learn wasn't WORTH LEARNING! You said I was a failure! A nobody! An oaf!

You said the world wasn't READY for sheep with human hands! And I say to you, you petty, insolent little weed, that perhaps the world should be MADE ready! That perhaps sheep with human hands are the next evolutionary step necessary for us to RISE UP AND CLAIM OUR RIGHTFUL PLACE AS TRUE RULERS AND MASTERS OF THE COSMOS! But no, you say! Sheep with human hands is stupid, you say! And to you I say, perhaps it is NOT stupid! Perhaps YOU are the one who is stupid! Yes, YOU, with your closed mind and your beady eyes and your stubble! You can't even GROW a beard, so I have no idea why you TRY!

My dream of sheep with human hands is not scientific theory, or scientific possibility... it is SCIENTIFIC FACT! I have CREATED THEM! I have BRED THEM! With EACH OTHER, even! And because they have human hands, these sheep can CLIMB TREES! They can scale higher than ANY OTHER SHEEP BEFORE THEM! Do you not see the wonder? Do you not see the awesome majesty of my INNOVATIVE THINKING? Of course you don't! You don't see ANYTHING! EVER! Do you know why? Because I've just put your eyes out with my hypodermic needle! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Sincerely,

Doktor Viktor Zorloff

Master-In-Chief, The Zorloff Institute

Things You Should Google

Dinosaur Comics. A Softer World. The Sound Of Young America. The Pleasure Is Back (if it ever goes back up). Joe Mathlete's Great American Blog (if he ever starts writing it again). McSweeney's Internet Tendency. The Commune's Manifestos Of Fun.

A Hundred Video Clips That I Happen To Think Are Really Great

Please note that some of these videos contain graphic violence, profanity, nudity and adult situations. These are not the sole reasons I like these clips, but they do help. So, yeah, they're not all work-safe. Then again, what the hell are you doing, watching videos at work? How do you get away with it? Can you tell me? Because I'd love to get away with it.

Another thing I'd love to get away with is theft. Just being able to go around, picking up whatever I wanted and keeping it. No consequences. If it happens to be your thing that I'm thieving, all you could do is complain. But I wouldn't care, because I'd be too busy complaining myself. I'd like to complain about the snow. We've been getting an awful lot of snow here in Milwaukee lately, and I'm getting pretty danged peeved off about it. And I don't care that that's not a real phrase. I just used it, and therefore it is real, because you see it before you, and seeing is believing, unless you're a Philip K Dick type who thinks that reality is a hallucination, in which case I say, try not to hallucinate me hitting you in the head with this chair.

So it's really snowy, right, and I'm in line at Chipotle's, because I live in Milwaukee as I stated in the previous paragraph and we wait in line rather than on line, because on line is when I'm hooked up to the Internet, okay? And there's this girl in line, and she's wearing sandals! There's fucking eight inches of snow outside and this chick's like, "Well, I'm really sick and tired of having toes, you know? I think I'm going to just freeze them until they fall off." So I'm like, "Lady, that's a really passive-aggressive way to go about it, I mean, you should just chop them off with a meat cleaver," and she had the nerve to look at me like she didn't know what I was talking about!

That reminds me: video clips. There are a hundred of them. You've probably seen some of them before, but hopefully there are quite a few that you haven't. I am addressing the collective You here. They're all standard "clip" length except for the last five, which are... how shall I put it... episode-length. You'll need a DivX or DivX-clone to play a few of them, because DivX and/or DivX-clones are awesome. So why not take a gander at a clip, or two, or more? And feel free to stop on by every so often and click away for your daily dose of psychotronica and irreverence.

[1][2][3][4][5][6][7][8][9][10]

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Links