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| | The year of badassingness. | | The year of badassingness. |
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| − | ==Events==
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| − | ===January===
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| − | * '''January 1''' - The [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cray-1 Cray-1], the first commercially developed [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Supercomputer supercomputer], is released by [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Seymour_Cray Seymour Cray's] [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cray_Research Cray Research]. It promptly takes over the world.
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| − | * '''January 15''' - Would-be [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gerald_Ford Gerald Ford] presidential assassin [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rudy_Ray_Moore Rudy Ray Moore] is sentenced to make another sequel to [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dolemite ''Dolemite''].
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| − | * '''January 19''' - [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jimmy_Carter Jimmy Carter] wins the [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Iowa_caucus Iowa Democratic Caucus], in a sorry display of mankind's desperate state of denial over losing dominion of Earth to the omniscient Cray-1.
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| − | * '''January 21''' - The first commercial [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Concorde ''Concorde''] flight takes off in a desperate bid to suicide-bomb the city-sized Cray-1. It fails. [http://www.hipsoda.com/jazz/gallery/thousands.html Thousands die].
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| − | * '''January 27''' - The trial of [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Symbionese_Liberation_Army Symbionese Liberation Army] member [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Patty_Hearst Patty Hearst] begins, and underground director [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/John_Waters_%28filmmaker%29 John Waters] can barely contain his excitement.
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| − | ===February===
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| − | * '''February 4''' - The [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/1976_Winter_Olympics 1976 Winter Olympics] are cancelled when Cray-1 declares that human physical competition is irrelevant.
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| − | * '''February 4''' - In [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Guatemala Guatemala] and [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Honduras Honduras], an [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Earthquake earthquake] is reported to kill more than 22,000 people. It is later revealed that this was a mistranslation of stories from the Central American media, and that in fact the professional wrestler [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/John_Tenta Earthquake] was responsible.
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| − | * '''February 15''' - The 1976 [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Constitution_of_Cuba Constitution of Cuba] is adopted by national referendum. Cray-1 takes this as a direct affront to its dominion over the planet, and raises the tides, causing Cuba to vanish into the sea.
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| − | * '''February 16''' - Various news media outlets insist on referring to Cuba as "the new [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Atlantis Atlantis]". This inspires the Morrissette family to name their recently born daughter [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/You_Can%27t_Do_That_On_Television Atlantis Morrissette]. She would go on to great infamy as a professional [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/You_Learn shrieker] and participant in fetishistic [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wet_and_messy_fetishism videos where she is covered in water and slime].
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| − | * '''February 27''' - [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Western_Sahara Western Sahara] declares independence from [http://us.imdb.com/title/tt0318649/fullcredits Matthew McConaughey].
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| − | * '''February 30''' - A formerly nonexistent date, the 30th of February is added to the calendar when the [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Time_travel temporal experiments] of [http://www.iupac.org/images/ci/2005CI/2704/mad_scientist.jpg Doktor Hans Josef Verstreikense] cause a [http://arxiv.org/abs/hep-th/0103122 spacetime distortion] that Verstreikense refers to as a "hiccup in time."
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| − | ===March===
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| − | * '''March 4''' - The [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maguire_Seven Tobey Maguire Seven] are found guilty of possessing explosive charisma and subsequently jailed for 14 years.
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| − | * '''March 16''' - [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Harold_Wilson Harold Wilson] resigns as Prime Minister of the [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/United_Kingdom United Kingdom]. Cray-1 declares that soon all human leaders shall be forced to resign. By this time its [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Servotron loyal robot soldiers] have expanded the size of Cray-1 so that it now covers most of [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Final_Countdown_%28album%29 Europe].
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| − | * '''March 20''' - [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Patty_Hearst Patty Hearst] is found guilty of armed robbery of a [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/San_Francisco] bank, and [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/John_Waters_%28filmmaker%29 John Waters], unable to contain himself, finally ejaculates in court. The judge is horrified.
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| − | * '''March 26''' - The [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Toronto_Blue_Jays Toronto Blue Jays] are created. This feat of [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Genetic_engineering genetic engineering] puts Toronto on the forefront of [http://www.scienceteecher.com/scienceawesome_lge.jpg all science that is awesome].
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| − | * '''March 26''' - [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Elizabeth_II_of_the_United_Kingdom Elizabeth II of the United Kingdom] sends the first royal [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/E-mail e-mail]. It is sent to Cray-1, and is a desperate plea to not execute the royal family at the pincers of Cray-1's cybernetic Murderoids.
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| − | * '''March 27''' - Britain's royal family mysteriously vanishes.
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| − | * '''March 31''' - The [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jeff_Goldblum New Jersey] Supreme Court rules that [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Coma coma] patient [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Karen_Ann_Quinlan Karen Ann Quinlan] can be disconnected from her [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ventilator ventilator]. She remains comatose and dies in [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/1985 1985]. Various [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Asshole conservative] leaders decry the actions of so-called [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Activist_judges activist judges], but the activist judges, as they are wont to do, take the law into their own hands and [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Death_wish execute] the conservative leaders vigilante-style.
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