 "HONK IF YOU HAVE CANCER"
"Sorry for all the swerving but those damn speedbumps came out of nowhere!"
"Sorry for all the swerving but I learned to drive on the teacup ride at Disneyland"
"Sorry for all the swerving but I’m trying to find the jerk who sold me these square tires"
"Sorry for all the swerving but you'd swerve too if you had hooks for hands"
"Sorry for all the swerving, but goddammit, you knew I swerved when you married me!"
"Sorry for all the swerving but YOU try driving with a hot bin of fried shrimp in your lap"
"LEECHES!!!! LEEEEEECHES!!!!!"
"Sorry for all the swerving but hey, I'm the walrus, what the hell are you gonna do to me??"
"Sorry for all the swerving but I thought I saw the cast of the Munsters in my back seat a second ago. Man, I need to get some sleep."
"Sorry for all the swerving but Rusty here's supposed to let me know when to turn. Seeing-eye-dog my ass!"
"Sorry for all the swerving, but when Grandma wants to go for a drive, you'd best keep yourself indoors."
"Sorry for all the swerving but JESUS! Did you see all those ants in the road?!?!"
"Sorry for all the swerving, but it's not every day you get your teeth kicked in by the CIA!"
"Sorry for all the swerving but all this blood and bits of brain matter make these seats really damn slippery, you know?"
"Sorry for all the swerving but I've got Raymond Burr in the trunk and that stupid fat bastard won't stop rolling around in there."
"Sorry for all the swerving but do you have any idea how poorly these U-Haul trucks handle when they're loaded down with fertilizer and gasoline?"
"Ask me about my glass eye"
"No, the other one"
"Sorry for all the honking but I’m lonely"
"My other car's on fire"
"Sorry for all the swerving, but I think I finally lost that mariachi band that's been following me around all these years"
"Sorry for all the swerving but maybe this windmill car wasn't such a great idea after all"
"Sorry for all the swerving but this damn air vent's been blowing up my nose for three hours and I just can't take it any more"
"Sorry for all the swerving but in these little japanese cars there's hardly enough room for me and my bagpipe up here"
"Sorry for all the swerving, but nobody ever told me a grenade would do *that*, Jesus."
"Sorry for all the barking but I was raised by a family that was really into that Lassie show."
"Sorry for all the swerving but hey, I cant help it If I was the only person bright enough to figure out that you could use your soloflex in the car"
"Sorry for all the swerving but you wouldn’t believe how heavy these deep sea diving bells are. I can hardly hold my head up long enough to get this bong lit"
"Sorry for all the swerving but the brake pedal is for chickens"
"Sorry for all the swerving, but something terrible has happened to my rudder."
"Sorry for all the swerving, but anybody out there notice how long that guy's been hanging out the back of my car? Man, you would think I'd notice something like that..."
"Sorry for all the swerving, but had I known that these rotweillers had a taste for blood, I would have NEVER agreed to take them along on this vacation"
"Sorry for all the swerving, but had I known these goldfish had a taste for blood, I would have NEVER agreed to take them along on this vacation."
"Sorry for all the swerving but Sean is supposed to be in charge of the monkeys… damnit! Get this monkey of my head!! He's trying to strangle me!"
"Sorry for all the swerving but dammit, Rebecca assured me that these monkeys had used the restrooms before we left."
"Well, if Sean hadn’t given them all that Tang, we wouldn’t have this problem!'
"Sorry for all the swerving but this travel croquet set really wasn't worth the money"
"Sorry for all the swerving but who in the hell talked me into using this record player as a booster seat.. jesus.. Henry, unplug this damn thing."
"Sorry for all the swerving but somebody put those springy nut-can snakes in my pants"
"Sorry for all the swerving but these pants weren't crotchless when I bought them."
"Sorry for all the swerving but my wife double-dog dared me to put my head through the gap inside the middle of the steering wheel and now I can’t get it back out"
"Sorry for all the swerving but a duck just flew into my engine"
"Sorry for all the swerving but I don’t remember having a prescription windshield."
"Sorry for all the swerving but I’m dodging the raindrops."
"I HAVE HERPES"
"Sorry for all the swerving , but I spilled my beer."
"Sorry for all the swerving, but there are voices coming from my dash."
"Honk if you're illiterate."
"Sorry for all the swerving, but I prefer to think I live in a Mercedes-Benz commercial."
"Sorry for all the swerving, but I’ve been drinking paint."
"Sorry for all the swerving, but I can't get the lid back on this coffin."
"Sorry for all the swerving, I mean I love this new electric powered car...but I tell you this gas-powered radio is nothing but a pain in the ass!"
"Sorry for all the swerving, but I swear I thought tying this lawn mower to the front of my car would be the same as having a ride-on mower."
"Sorry for all the swerving, but where I come from, in MY country, we drive like maniacs. What? Hey! If I’m going to have to put up with your stereotypes of foreigners, I should at least be able to get some reckless driving out of it!"
"Sorry for all the swerving, but the liquor stores are about to close and I’m still coherent."
"Sorry for all the swerving, but, hey, the tuba’s hard to play, it takes both hands and... dammit if my knees slip off the steering wheel one more time, I’m just going to let the road take me where it will..."
"Sorry for all the swerving but I got my tongue caught in that damn glove compartment again..."
"BITE MY BUMPER, BITCH!"
"Sorry for all the swerving, but I'm being chased by ruthless dolphins. Yes, DOLPHINS! No, wait, that makes no sense... what the hell are they? OH, PEARS! I'm being chased by ruthless pears! So sorry for all the swerving!"
"Sorry for all the swerving but I forgot to take this Mexican out of my pants before I left the house."
"Sorry for all the swerving, but I didn’t *think* that button said ‘spatula’."
"Sorry for all the swerving, but that flock of pigeons didn't deserve to live anyway."
"Sorry for all the swerving, but what the hell good is an ejection seat if they don’t give you a moonroof??"
"Sorry for all the swerving, but the plastic surgeon thought I requested size 44DD breasts."
"Sorry for all the swerving but Chewbacca gets a little carsick sometimes in these little japanese cars"
"NOTHING PLAYS HAVOC ON YOUR UPHOLSTRY LIKE A CARSICK WOOKIE"
"Sorry for all the swerving, but goddamnit, who put this wild boar in my car???!"
"Sorry for all the swerving but the wild boar in my car and I can’t seem to agree on a radio station"
"Sorry for all the swerving but-Hey, shaddup asshole, my anti-seizure medication works just fine, thank you!"
"Sorry for all the swerving but I guess that *was* the windshield wiper fluid container that I poured all that oil into. Damn, that was expensive oil, too."
"Sorry for all the swerving but you outta know better than driving so close to someone wearing a collander like a general’s helmet, ya tool!"
"Sorry for all the swerving but a buddy of mine told me that there was a prize in that little hole in the dash with the picture of the cigarette next to it, and I agree that there’s somethin in there but that sucker’s too hot for *me* to pull out, I can tell you that."
"Sorry for the constant honking but I’m terribly obese"
"Honk if you're terribly obese!"
"Sorry for all the swerving but I’m Ed Asner"
"Sorry for all the swerving but I’m having sex with Ed Asner"
"Sorry for all the swerving but I’m fantasizing about having sex with Ed Asner"
"Sorry for all the Ed Asner"
"Sorry for all the drunk but I’m swerving"
"Sorry for all the swerving but I can't get this damn airbag to deflate. And it's been two weeks"
"Sorry for all the swerving but if Sparky doesn't learn how to drive now, he'll have me driving him everywhere for the rest of eternity. And I won't have that. Not for some stupid dog. Do you think I’m mad? I know which way the wind blows. I've been to Milwaukee. So don’t you try to pull anything over on me."
"Sorry for all the swerving but I shut my hand in the door"
"Sorry for all the swerving but I just used WAY too much Armor-all on these seats" *laughs, sees a guy going around a turn and sliding across the seat and out the passenger side window*
"Sorry for all the swerving but I was dreaming that I was driving through a flock of penguins... and then I woke up in the church parking lot. Man, no more Jim Beam for me..."
"Sorry for all the swerving but YOU try driving in clown shoes"
"Sorry for all the swerving but I put my shoes on the wrong feet again"
"Sorry for all the swerving but this toaster's getting hot"
"Sorry for all the swerving but I’m hitting pedestrians with a croquet mallet"
"Sorry for all the swerving but it takes a lot to make me puke"
"Sorry for all the swerving but I got my alignment done on April Fool's day"
"Sony for all the swerving but every time I press down on this pedal, everything just rushes towards me"
"You're stupid-looking"
"Sorry for all the swerving but these microwave pepperoni pizza pockets are fucking hot."
"Sorry for all the swerving but I was lucky just to fit this damn wheelchair in here"
"Sorry for all the swerving but I’m just not touching this steering wheel again until it cools off, my god"
"Sorry for all the swerving, but that's to be expected when you put a slip-n-slide on the front seat"
"Sorry for all the swerving but my siamese twin is dead and if you don’t think that makes driving a bitch then mister, you're living in a dreamworld."
"Sorry for all the swerving but the other pigs were supposed to be doing the driving, this was no fault of mine..."
"Sorry for all the swerving, but these new aquarium cars are hard to get used to!"
"Sorry for all the swerving, but giving a root canal while on the expressway is tricky business, my friend"
"Sorry for all the swerving, but frequent underwear checks have been shown to be a sign of a careful, well balanced individual."
"Sorry for all the swerving, but giving breakdancing lessons has just not been the same since I moved into my car"
"My other car got 'Herbie' pregnant and can now be seen in the lot outside where they film 'Divorce Court"'
"Sorry for all the swerving, but I’m being attacked by pissed off monkeys who don't like being laughed at. Oh, look, That one's dead"
"Sorry for all the swerving, but this bong is really hot."
"Sorry for all the swerving, but I got ants in ma pants."
"Honk if you're the leader of an apocalyptic cult and are wanted by the FBI and the ATF."
"Honk if you're John Doe #2"
"Sorry for all the swerving, but Chihuahuas are so hard to train"
"Sorry for all the swerving, but there's an ape in my pants."
"Sorry for all the swerving but, uhm, anybody notice how long this barracuda's been hanging out of my nose? Anyone?"
"Sorry for all the swerving but... hey, I know this is gonna sound kinda crazy but my nostrils got *really* heavy for a minute there. No, really."
"Sorry for all the swerving but I just had a flashback from the A-team and I wasn't sure what was real for a second there"
"Sorry for all the swerving, but dammit, the people's court started five minutes ago!"
"Sorry for all the swerving but my cell phone's been possessed by satan"
"Sorry for all the swerving but my armpit's trying to tell me something"
"Sorry for all the swerving but somebody just spilled the ebola virus on my trousers"
"Sorry for all the swerving, but i'm trying to convince my cat that he really does look good in pantyhose"
"Sorry for all the swerving. Can I make it up to you by buying you dinner at the Sizzler?"
"Sorry for all the swerving, but I’m learning to play the sitar." (drums, jew's harp were also mentioned)
"Sorry for all the swerving, but I’m receiving a call on my shoe phone."
"Sorry for all the swerving, but I’ve had the wool pulled over my eyes."
"Sorry for all the swerving, but I’m learning the ancient art of origami."
"Sorry for all the swerving, but I’m making a pizza." (best for cars with moonroofs)
"Sorry for all the swerving, but I’m trying to blow up an air mattress."
"Sorry for all the swerving, but I’m cleaning fish."
"Sorry for all the swerving, but I’m playing jai alai."
"HONK IF YOU’RE GUTTING A DEER!"
"Sorry for all the swerving, but jesus, my grandkids, they musta slipped a pair of those wind-up teeth into my denture jar while I was sleeping, I know it sounds crazy that I wouldn’t notice until now, but those things just started a goin’ and goddamn! I thought I was gonna have to call an exorcist or somethin!"
"Sorry for all the swerving, but who in the hell said 'Practice makes perfect' anyway??"
"Ask me about my botulism"
"Hey you wanna see my birth pictures?"
"Sorry for all the swerving but these lice need to be taught a lesson"
"Sorry for all the sudden turns but for the last three weeks I've been living in the movie Tron"
"Sorry for all the swerving but I’m training to be a sword swallower"
"Sorry for all the swerving but these pregnancy tests are the trickiest little things..."
"Swerving sorry melted clock but I’m Dali"
"Sorry for all the swerving but I’m Christopher Reeves"
"Sorry for all the swerving but I’m fingerpainting"
"Ask me about my acquittal"
"Sorry for all the swerving but I just finished a side on my Rubix Cube"
"Sorry for all the swerving but I’m thinking about kiddie porn"
"Sorry for all the swerving but I’m filming kiddie porn"
"Sorry for all the swerving but I just lost my sense of good taste"
"Sorry for all the swerving but I’m OJ and I can get away with anything. Nya nya nya-nya nya."
"Want lower taxes? Kill a football star today"'
"Sorry for all the swerving but there are government agents following me. I should have never bought this stupid X-files shirt"
"DEATH FROM ABOVE!!!"
"Sorry for all the swerving but I’m working on getting my degree through the mail"
"Sony for all the swerving but I’m learning the delicate art of vacuum cleaner repair"
"Ask me about my framed collection of Rod Stewart's pubic hair" ~~*shivers*~~
"Honk if you think John Doe 2 killed Nicole Brown-Simpson"
"Honk if you killed Nicole Brown-Simpson"
"Honk if you think OJ will end up selling knives on QVC at 3am"
"Honk if you think we should kill everybody who don't honk"
New ad for Luger handguns: "Don't wait for OJ to move into *your* neighborhood..."
"Sorry for all the swerving but my prosthetic arm just fell off"
"Sorry for all the swerving, but I’m practicing my triangle"
"Sorry for all the swerving but my other prosthetic arm just fell off"
"Honk if you've sold crack to Marion Barry"
"Sorry for all the swerving but I’m bitch-slapping Peter 'Hurricane' McNeely"
"Sorry for all the swerving but I got this pacemaker on sale"
"Sorry for all the swerving but this morning I made a disparaging comment about Shel Silverstein and now I’m being eaten by a snake. Oh, gee, he's swallowed my knee..."
"Sorry for all the swerving but I’M INVISIBLE!! HA HA!!! Try and catch me now, you pigs!!"
"Sorry for all the swerving but I spilled some McDonald's coffee on my leg and I’m now in the process of being reincarnated"
"Sorry for all the swerving but I just can't seem to get this noose straight"
"Sony for all the swerving but chinchilla breeding is a delicate business"
"Sorry for all the swerving but I’m planning my funeral"
"Sorry for all the swerving but this chain saw is really out of control"
"Sorry for all the swerving, but I’m beating my kids"
"Honk if you want to die while watching Sesame Street"
"Honk if you're dead"
"Sorry for all the swerving but I just had a lobotomy."
"Sorry for all the swerving but I’m trying to find a chaser for this tequila"
"Sorry for all the swerving but I dropped my lime"
"Sorry for all the swerving but the time of the great flood is at hand"
"Sorry for all the swerving but this Ark handles like a shopping cart"
"Sorry for all the swerving but I desperately need a female llama before it rains"
"Sorry for all the swerving but chihuahuas are hard to brand"
"Sorry for all the swerving but I’m giving birth"
"Sorry for all the swerving but I’m conceiving the savior"
"Sorry for all the swerving but this shopping cart handles like an Ark"
"Sorry for all the swerving but I just realized that I live in a world of make-believe"
"Sorry for all the swerving but I have no arms"
"Sorry for all the swerving but this ain’t my toboggan"
"Sorry for all the swerving but I’m giving water skiing lessons"
"Sorry for all the swerving but I just saw Mr. Snuffalupagus"
"Sorry for all the swerving but I’m watering my Chia-pet"
"Sorry for all the swerving but I’m trying to run down the cast of Friends"
"Sorry for all the swerving but I’m taking my temperature rectally"
"Sorry for all the swerving but my iron lung is being repossessed"
"Sorry for all the swerving but I’m learning to breakdance"
"ELECTRIC BOOGALOO 4-EVER!!"
"Ask me about my grandchildren.. no-fuck that, ask me about my enchilada"
"Sorry for all the swerving but I’m getting my tubes tied"
"Sony for all the swerving but I’m being caned"
"Sorry for all the swerving but I’m committing date rape"
"Be Like Mike. When she says no, she really means ‘Okay, champ’."
"Sorry for all the swerving but 'Funkytown' can not be denied"
"Ask me about the illegal aliens in my trunk!"
"Sorry for all the swerving, but I have two glass eyes"
"Sorry for all the swerving but it's hard to steer and slit my wrists at the same time"
"Honk if you love sheep as much as I do"
"Will honk for food"
"Sorry for all the swerving but I've been sampling all my household cleaners"
"Sorry for all the swerving but I’m being baptized"
"Sorry for all the swerving but I’m trying to hit a home run"
"Honk if ya need me to kill someone for you"
"Sony for all the swerving but it's hard to steer with blood-covered hands"
"Sorry for all the swerving but, hey, why the hell am I apologizing to YOU?"
"Honk if you've had sex while playing Donkey Kong"
"Sorry for all the swerving but twister is a way of life"
"Sorry for all the swerving but there's a turtle in my shoe"
"Sorry for all the swerving but I've got my head up my ass"
"Sony for all the swerving but I’m eating a paperback"
"Sorry for all the swerving but I've got salsa in my eye"
"Sorry for all the swerving but I've just been predictable for too damn long..."
"Sorry for all the swerving but this is the weirdest rave I've ever been to.."
"Sorry, for all the swerving, but I’m trying to lasso passing cars."
"Sorry for all the yippie-ki-yi-yay, but for a minute there I thought I was on a horse."
"Sorry for all the swerving, but I’m Elvis. I’m the king"
"I was in the bathroom a few minutes ago, after my french class, and was amused by the fact that they have these new urinals that have this electronic sensor, so you don’t need to flush them, they just flush automatically when you step away. This made me laugh because it made me think "Wow, this makes it so much easier for people with no arms." Then I was laughing even harder because could picture this guy with no arms trying to unzip his pants with his teeth."
"Sorry for all the swerving but I just gotta be me"
"Sorry for all the swerving but I’m a dumbshit."
"Sorry for all the swerving but this helmet's too big"
"Sorry for all the swerving but I’m teaching my dog to play 'patty-cake'"
"Sorry for all the swerving but I learned to drive from the Harlem Globetrotters"
"Sorry for all the swerving but I’m getting my kids drunk"
"No, I’m not sorry for all the swerving. The day they design a car for siamese twins is the day I'll apologize"
"Sorry for all the swerving but there's a wocket in my pocket"
"Sorry for all the swerving but I can't get my crack pipe lit"
"Sorry for all the swerving but I’m vacuuming"
"Warning: this car stops at all adult bookstores"
"Warning: this car stops at all Michael Bolton concerts"
"Warning: this car stops at all morgues"
"I’m down with the UNAbomber!"
"Sorry for all the swerving but I’m made of rubber. No, really."
"Sorry for all the swerving but I really should not have bought so heavily into the tire-cleaning-spray-foam fad, I've got the traction of a dog running across a freshly waxed kitchen floor. But hey, you've got to admire that shine."
"Sorry for all the swerving but I just don’t know what's gotten into this camel."
"Sorry for all the swerving but this looked a lot easier on the Flintstones"
"Sorry for all the swerving but I’m training to be a lenscrafter"
"Sorry for all the swerving but Yoda's driving."
"Sorry for all the swerving but it's hard to read braille with these racing gloves on"
"Sorry for all the swerving but, hey, look! Those cows are doin' it!"
"Sorry for all the swerving, but what was I *thinking* when I got these slinkies for arms??"
"Sorry for all the swerving but I can't get this can of spam open!"
"Honk if you need your ass played like a bongo drum"
"Sorry for all the swerving, but I’m trying to pick all of these nasty raisins out of my trail mix"
"Sorry for all the swerving, but I’m trying to set the clock in my car. I have a grant from Honda and everything."
"Sorry for all the swerving, but I’m trying to load this machine gun. you see, work for, well, I USED to work for the postal service, but those fuckers laid me off. and I’m going to go down there and show them that they picked the wrong guy to mess with! yeah, that's right. and see, I forgot to load the gun before I left the house, and so that’s why I’m loading it now, and I really apologize for my swerving, but wait! I have a machine gun! I don’t have to apologize! If you don’t like it, I'll shoot your goddamn head offl I’ll show you! You picked the wrong guy to mess with!!!"
"Sorry for all the swerving, but one of my other personalities is driving and he is only five"
"Sorry for all the swerving, but driving a car is nothing like riding a scooter, what was thinking?!?!"
"Sorry for all the swerving but I’m covering myself in paper mache"
"Sorry for all the swerving but just because I accepted this dare to eat 13 pies in a half an hour doesn't mean I have to spend that time cooped up in the house like some kinda freak..."
"Sorry for all the swerving but it MY world we steer using our eyebrows"
"Sorry for all the swerving but this fucking lying dolphin TOLD me he could drive..."
"Sorry for all the driving on the sidewalk but creative people just DO NOT color inside the lines"
"Sorry for all the swerving, but, geez, just what the hell kinda mushrooms did I eat anyway?!"'
"Honk if you want to see my Elvis impersonation"
"Sorry for all the swerving but this driver's seat ain’t big enough for the two of us."
"Sorry for all the swerving, this is definitely the last time I'll try and donate blood at the hospital's drive-thru window."
"Sorry for all the swerving, but I bet the guy who said horses can't drive is rolling over in his grave right now"
"Sorry for all the swerving, but hey, YAY DOG BISCUIT!"
"Sorry for all the swerving, but I’m naked, and you know these leather seats feel reeeeeeaaaallly goooood!"
"Sorry for the swerving, but I just found out I may already be a winner"
"Sorry for all the swerving but this seatbelt is chafing my fig leaves."
"Sorry for all the swerving but I had to prove to my turtle that he couldn't drive."
"Sorry for all the swerving but the washer in the back seat just went into spin cycle."
"Sorry for all the swerving but I accidentally superglued my hands to my cheeks and now I have to steer with my teeth as I drive to the hospital. And yes, I HAVE seen Home Alone, you bastard."
"Sorry for all the swerving but I just realized how improbable it is that all of our armless, superglued, torso-only people would be able to stick a bumpersticker on their car. Just imagine one of them trying to peel off the backing to expose the sticky side and you get a picture of only part of the dilemma."
"Sorry for all the swerving, but you wouldn't believe how incredibly fucked up I am"
"Sorry for all the swerving, but I’m trying to get this campfire started"
"Ask me about my obsession with Mr. T."
"Sorry for all the swerving, but there’s no pulp guard on this juicer"
"Sorry for all the swerving, but once you get these penguins drunk, you really never know what’s gonna happen next"
"Sorry for all the swerving, but I've got to practice my calf-roping SOMEtime!"
"Sorry for all the speeding, but I’m on my way to the 'Soul Train' auditions!"
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