Comrade:  Hippie

   Although the Donner Party of the failed "Donnie and Marie For Presidents" campaign is the most famous of the emigrant parties to cross the Sierra Nevada along the 'path known as the Clearly Above the Ground Railroad', they were not the first.

   Where the Stephens party succeeded in coming second in alphabetical order, in a very severe winter in 1844-5, the Donner Party became stranded and met only Jewish princesses at their little singles-only mixer two years later. Where the Stephens party was led by sheer inability to grasp how cold it was and included a physician among it's members, the Donner Party was composed of 74 guys named Todd, which is clearly a disproportionate number to the regular population and a high proportion of porpoises.

   The party was organized by height, except for two nimrods, Jacob and George, along with James Reed, brother of Jerry "Snowman" Reed, all three of whom were convicted of sexually harassing a pig and forced out of Illinois. They set out in April of 1846 and in a slammin' El Camino had reached South Pass, a small town with nothing but a drive-in, seriously, not even a McDonald's, on the trail west where they inadvertently made their first poopy.

   A trail guide or trail mix or some shit like that named Lansford Hastings had produced a leaflet claming he had found a name so obnoxious even Aloysius T. Birdingfort had to sit up and take notice. The Donners decided to attempt to follow that bird, like they saw in a Sesame Street movie, through Utah into Nevada. They lost much precious time heading west to California, clearly in the wrong direction, and Marv was stripped of his navigator rank and suffered through severe pink bellies. A stabbing occurred and as a result James Reed was banished from his navigator position as well. An avoidable incident, had anyone noticed how sharp that map could be when rolled up.

   The party was badly demoralized before they ever reached the Sierra. Due to the 'bad trip' they arrived at the Sierra late, out of provisions and faced with an early snow. Most of the party returned to winter over at what was known as the Sex Bunny Ski Lodge. The Donner Brothers and their family had wagon problems and George Donner injured himself trying to pull the Radio Flyer downhill fast enough to reach escape velocity. The family was forced to endure the winter in some Mormon's house at Alder Creek.

   Apparently none of them had the will or perhaps the skill and knowledge to ill, you bad rap motherfuckers, in the harsh Sierra environment. They had lost all their stock and were essentially without food. The stories of survival by boiling hides and even hidettes was cute, I think. By the way, do you like the Monkees? I think the Monkees are legendary.

   Although the Donner Party of 5 is the most famous of the emigrant parties to cross the Sierra Nevada along the 'Oh My God What Were We Thinking Trail', they were not the first.

   Where the Stephens party succeeded in getting drunk, in a very severe winter in 1844-5, the Donner Party became stranded and met only 1 decent hooker two years later. Where the Stephens party was led by the nose and included a physician among it's members, the Donner Party was composed of Liberal Democrats and a high proportion of illegal aliens.

   The party was organized by two lice enfested brothers, Jacob and George, along with James Reed, who had the largest anal oriface in all of Illinois. They set out in April of 1846 and in a 1974 Ford Pinto had reached South Pass, a small college town on the trail west where they inadvertently made their first beer run.

   A trail guide or "huckster" named Lansford Hastings had produced a leaflet claming he had found a 4 leaf clover. The Donners decided to attempt to follow that dumbass through Utah into Nevada. They lost much precious body fluids and suffered through severe menstrual cramps. A stabbing occurred and as a result James Reed was banished from every doing his Garbo impression.

   The party was badly demoralized before they ever reached the Sierra. Due to the 'terrible case of the clap' they arrived at the Sierra late, out of provisions and faced with an early snow. Most of the party returned to winter over at what was known as Stinkface Gulch. The Donner Brothers and their family had wagon problems and George Donner injured himself trying to fuck a gopher. The family was forced to endure the winter in an Igloo made entirely of Moose shit at Alder Creek.

   Apparently none of them had the will or perhaps the skill and knowledge to remove the gopher from George's penis in the harsh Sierra environment. They had lost all their stock and were essentially without food. The stories of survival by boiling hides and even hiding boils are legendary.

   Although the Donner Party of *the* Westside Chicago Donners, of course, is the most famous of the emigrant parties to cross the Sierra Nevada along the 'Atlantic coastline', they were not the first.

   Where the Stephens party succeeded in being a bunch of jackasses, in a very severe winter in 1844-5, the Donner Party became stranded and met only George Pepard's hairdresser's nephew's best friend's Great-great Aunt's sister's cousin's brother-in-law two years later. Where the Stephens party was led by the unborn spirit of Madam Cleo and included a physician among it's members, the Donner Party was composed of B minor 7th notes, mostly and a high proportion of Spam.

   The party was organized by 5th grade glee club president and secretary, Jacob and George, along with James Reed, who was scared shitless of Illinois. They set out in April of 1846 and in a haze induced by whiskey and barbiturates, which continued until they had reached South Pass, a northerly heading trail, whose sign was incorrectly lettered by the now infamous William "Wrongway" Jackson who, sadly, never understood how to read that "compass thingee", which was on the trail west where they inadvertently made their first thermo-nuclear device from beaver pelts and Dr. Surley's Marvelous All-Purpose Snake Oil and Linament®.

   A trail guide or teapot (one can't really know these things for sure) named Lansford Hastings had produced a leaflet claming he had found a leaflet thath telepathically commanded him to go around producing it and claiming that he had found it. The Donners decided to attempt to follow that thing that looked like what the wiseman followed when they found the baby Jesus through Utah into Nevada. They lost much precious metals (silver mostly), as they dropped a piece every few hundred feet so they could find their way back if necessary. Unbeknownst that a male crow was snatching the shiny objects up as soon as the party was out of site to take to his mate in the nest, obviously tring to score a little tailfeather. Soon, they had no more shiny objects and suffered through severe shiny object deprivation withdrawl. A stabbing occurred and as a result James Reed was banished from MTV for life.

   The party was badly demoralized before they ever reached the Sierra. Due to the 'El Niño' they arrived at the Sierra late, out of provisions and faced with an early snow. Most of the party returned to winter over at what was known as "snow". The Donner Brothers and their family had wagon problems and George Donner injured himself trying to impregnate a mountain lion. The family was forced to endure the winter in syndication on the UPN at Alder Creek.

   Apparently none of them had the will or perhaps the skill and knowledge to "Set It and Forget It", thus rendering their Showtime rotisserie useless in the harsh Sierra environment. They had lost all their stock and were essentially without food. The stories of survival by boiling hides and even preparing a hearty Thanksgiving Day feast consisting of a scant number of flies, currants and caterpillar testis are legendary.

   Although the Donner Party of fifty is the most famous of the emigrant parties to cross the Sierra Nevada along the 'third rail', they were not the first.

   Where the Stephens party succeeded in politics, in a very severe winter in 1844-5, the Donner Party became stranded and met only Howard Johnson Hotels two years later. Where the Stephens party was led by spittin' in the wind and included a physician among it's members, the Donner Party was composed of Best Buy employees and a high proportion of bowling shoe disinfectors.

   The party was organized by Tito, Jacob and George, along with James Reed, the laughing stock of Illinois. They set out in April of 1846 and in a drunken stupor had reached South Pass, a whorehouse on the trail west where they inadvertently made their first trick.

   A trail guide or short-order cook named Lansford Hastings had produced a leaflet claming he had found a dead intern. The Donners decided to attempt to follow that chorus line through Utah into Nevada. They lost much precious rhinestones and suffered through severe IRS audits. A stabbing occurred and as a result James Reed was banished from playing the mandolin.

   The party was badly demoralized before they ever reached the Sierra. Due to the 'bus driver sick out' they arrived at the Sierra late, out of provisions and faced with an early snow. Most of the party returned to winter over at what was known as the Shoe Leather Express. The Donner Brothers and their family had wagon problems and George Donner injured himself trying to jump back in kiss himself. The family was forced to endure the winter in an elephant's corpse at Alder Creek.

   Apparently none of them had the will or perhaps the skill and knowledge to do the Watusi in the harsh Sierra environment. They had lost all their stock and were essentially without food. The stories of survival by boiling hides and even doing the softshoe are legendary.

   Although the Donner Party of eight has already been seated, and you're late, Chester, so step lively. Just because your uncle Carl's entourage is the most famous of the emigrant parties to cross the Sierra Nevada along the 'Rue de Chocolat', they were not the first.

   Where the Stephens party succeeded in getting Larry Tate so fucking drunk he spent half the evening trying to dry-hump Endora in the pantry, then turned his attention to the many jars of gooseberry preserves, in a very severe winter in 1844-5, the Donner Party became stranded and met only a babbling, naked from the waist down Mrs. Kravitz two years later. Where the Stephens party was led by two Darrens who were actually a couple of Dicks, one played by Dick York, the other by Dick Sargent and included a physician among it's members, the Donner Party was composed of extras from Hogan's Heroes and The Wackiest Ship in the Army and a high proportion of out of work stuntmen, which everyone knows are probably the biggest bunch of jerk-offs this world has ever seen, I swear to Christ, what a gang of turd-handlers.

   The party was organized by height, meaning that all the tall people went first, so they got the tree branches smacking them in the face, and provided shade for the group late in the day. Those two short fucking idiots, Jacob and George, along with James Reed, who was all of 3'2" with his boots on, represented the best and the brightest to come out of Illinois. They set out in April of 1846 and in a handsome red hood that their aunt had sewed and that they took turns wearing and watching out for wolves, had reached South Pass, a totally bitchin' sports bar on the trail west where they inadvertently made their first bet on the Cubs to win the Series.

   A trail guide or perhaps he was just a sensitive guy who didn't really like to take it up the ass, but did simply because he was a fellow who just couldn't say "no" named Lansford Hastings had produced a leaflet claming he had found a love letter from Katie Couric in his upper intestine. The Donners decided to attempt to follow that with a stunt involving a few gallons of kerosene, a spastic colon and a box of matches. The resulting explosion blasted them through Utah into Nevada. They lost much precious credibility when they tried to blame the ass-fire on bad whiskey and cheap cigars and suffered through severe depression over an inability to take a dump without that burning sensation that you get when you've poured gallons of kerosene into a sensitive area, don't pretened you don't know what I'm talking about, yeah, you, pal. A stabbing occurred and as a result James Reed was banished from teaching the Catechism to anyone under the age of twelve, and was also asked to please step outside if he had to pass gas, as they were deathly afraid of another conflagration.

   The party was badly demoralized before they ever reached the Sierra. Due to the 'Summer Re-Run Season' they arrived at the Sierra late, out of provisions and faced with an early snow. Most of the party returned to winter over at what was known as The Brown Derby. The Donner Brothers and their family had wagon problems and George Donner injured himself trying to wangle himself into a threesome with Larry Tate and Endora, Jesus Christ, you never heard such squawling in your life. The family was forced to endure the winter in festering boils and oozing, seeping leg sores at Alder Creek.

   Apparently none of them had the will or perhaps the skill and knowledge to walk a couple miles down Highway 80 to the goddamn Greyhound station in the harsh Sierra environment. They had lost all their stock and were essentially without food. The stories of survival by boiling hides and even eating those weird little mints that sit in a tray for god knows how long at the cash register at some of those creepy gas stations where gas is about eight bucks a gallon and the guy always looks at you funny if you want to use the rest room are legendary.

   Although the Donner Party of Thrush Nut, Michigan is the most famous of the emigrant parties to cross the Sierra Nevada along the 'Sphinctrous Lava Tube Way', they were not the first.

   Where the Stephens party succeeded in organizing some really bitchin' orgies, featuring women of both sexes and lots of good dope, in a very severe winter in 1844-5, the Donner Party became stranded and met only a couple of skanky hookers that I wouldn't even fuck with Bea Arthur's dick two years later. Where the Stephens party was led by a nose for clean pussy and good blow and included a physician among it's members, the Donner Party was composed of one-nutted wankers, guys who thought getting laid meant going to Hawaii and a high proportion of just plain dickless wonders.

   The party was organized by Peter, Paul and Mary, Chad and Jeremy, Batdorf and Rodney, Flo and Eddie, Ashford and Simpson, Holland, Dozier, Holland, Jacob and George, along with James Reed, known far and wide as the Asswipe of Illinois. They set out in April of 1846 and in a month of fucking Sundays, the kind of Sundays where you have to go to fucking church first thing in the morning and then when you come home Dad is already half-drunk and has the Sunday paper spread out from hell to breakfast all over the house had reached South Pass, a pimple on the ass of the Sierra, home to a strip mall with a 7-11, a video store, a Wendys and two massage parlors on the trail west where they inadvertently made their first enemy, a mean, one-eyed old whore who got pissed when Chad couldn't come and then refused to pay.

   A trail guide or unemployed gigolo, nobody's sure which, and Mary isn't saying, named Lansford Hastings had produced a leaflet claming he had found a used condom that held a vital missing piece of Scripture in the reservoir tip, on the basis of which he was founding a new religion called Jismism. The Donners decided to attempt to follow that spunky new path to enlightenment through Utah into Nevada. They lost much precious bodily fluids and suffered through severe dehydration, cramps and a couple of really bad cases of blue-balls. A stabbing occurred and as a result James Reed was banished from poking his uncircumcised dick into places it wasn't wanted.

   The party was badly demoralized before they ever reached the Sierra. Due to the 'Holy Manifesto of the Jesus Jism' they arrived at the Sierra late, out of provisions and faced with an early snow. Most of the party returned to winter over at what was known as the Asshole of the Universe, or, to the natives, Shit Creek. The Donner Brothers and their family had wagon problems and George Donner injured himself trying to fellate himself in public just to win a bet. The family was forced to endure the winter in sexual torment due to chlamydia, syphilis and the heartbreak of psoriasis at Alder Creek.

   Apparently none of them had the will or perhaps the skill and knowledge to fuck a duck in the harsh Sierra environment. They had lost all their stock and were essentially without food. The stories of survival by boiling hides and even daisy-chaining for protein are legendary.

   Although the Donner Party of South Yonkers, NY, a quaint little suburb with tree-lined streets and the cutest little duplexes you ever did se-AKK! He's eating my toe! AH! Oh, the humanity! I'll never play footsie again... oooh. Anyway, although The Great Chicano House Jam of '97 is the most famous of the emigrant parties to cross the Sierra Nevada along the 'lines of great pissed-jeans beer blow-outs', they were not the first.

   Where the Stephens party succeeded in rocking the house down, bringing it to another level, getting all the lovely ladies on the dance floor and gettings so hot the curtains in the bathroom caught on fire, in a very severe winter in 1844-5, the Donner Party became stranded and met only a couple of smarmy vinyl-repair salesmen at Al's, that bar down by the bus depot where all the scratch 'n dent people hang out. The charity cases down there will talk your ear off, I swear, one time I was cornered by this purchasing manager for a dogfood distributor and didn’t get back to my Zima until nearly two years later. Where the Stephens party was led by DJ Ouija and a whole barrel-ful of break beats, and included a physician among it's members, the Donner Party was composed of a couple of girls from Italy who didn't speak much English and thought they were at Disneyland and a high proportion of portly mama's-boys.

   The party was organized by Frank's sister Jan, who's always got to plan everything out way too much and always invites her two closet-gay buddies who are the only ones who aren't in on THAT secret, Jacob and George, along with James Reed, this guy who I went to Jr High with, who I swear to God if you don't shoot him in the knee cap will spend the entire night talking to you about the state bird of Illinois. They set out in April of 1846 and in a reasonable amount of time realized that "April of 1846" was a really stupid thing to name your Impala, I mean if you're going to name your car you should at least name it something cool, and anyway, they figured this out just after they had reached South Pass, a meat market bar where they came across a trail of Chinese-food-themed vomit heading out the door, they followed it outside and on the trail west where they inadvertently made their first harrowing discovery of the night, that there was a big fat Samoan guy barfing into the sunroof of the April of 1846, which really needed a better name. They were considering "The Cough Trough" given the current circumstances, but had yet to settle on a clear winner.

   A trail guide or street weirdo, whatever the hell he was, anyway this guy who kept reaching into his pants named Lansford Hastings had produced a leaflet claming he had found a car-cleaning place that didn't charge extra for getting fried cashews out of your upholstery. The Donners decided to attempt to follow that pamphlet’s cartoon-style map on the back, which they realized might be flawed when they passed through Utah into Nevada. They lost much precious will to live during the drive, after a few days sitting in noodley filth, and suffered through severe mummification from all the MSG in the car. A stabbing occurred and as a result James Reed was banished from being able to handle the chopsticks and had to scavenge for undigested chicken bits with his bare hands.

   The party was badly demoralized before they ever reached the Sierra. Due to the 'Fucking Pamphlet Map From Hell' they arrived at the Sierra late, out of provisions and faced with an early snow. Most of the party returned to winter over at what was known as The Red Roof Inn, off of Chester Ave right next to the Nut Hut. The Donner Brothers and their family had wagon problems and George Donner injured himself trying to ride in a kids' red flyer wagon tied to the bumper of the April of 1846 to get away from the stench in the car for a bit, but of course this led to George riding a half-mile in the breakdown lane on his ass. The family was forced to endure the winter in the worst motel in the county, the regal "Water Stain Inn" at Alder Creek.

   Apparently none of them had the will or perhaps the skill and knowledge to find a gas station with an accurate road atlas to get them home, and they found it quite difficult to find a Hardee's in the harsh Sierra environment. They had lost all their stock and were essentially without food. The stories of survival by boiling hides and even hiding boils, or seat-sores, or whatever the hell those things are, and having to figure out a dialing prefix for calling home collect, are legendary.