We're going to start off with some technical terms to provide a solid foundation on which to build our Tower of Power. First for some musical forms:
Symphony: Symphony music is music that features a great deal of symthesizer and very little in the way of power chords, and can therefore correctly be termed "phony". It's often helpful to break down musical terms this way:
Sonata: The Sonata is a small car made by Korean automobile masters Hyundai, which is popular among credible musicians. I happen to drive one myself. Other famous Sonata drivers were the classical masters Ray Toven and Moe Tzart. I personally recommend the Sonata for any serious musician.
Art Peggios: An Art Peggio is a chord progression in disguise! Though not a power chord per se, Art Peggios are still an acceptable way to connect two series of power chords. If you were trapped on a desert island with no power chords in in sight, you'd definitely want to bring some Art Peggios.
Art Peggios were invented, of course, by Italian hair metal pioneer Art Peggio. He certainly deserves a spot on our roll call of righteousness, which will be on the final. He may have even driven a Sonata or it's Italian equivalent, the Seniorita.
Concerto: Italian for concert. Very useful to know when playing a gig in Italy. When translating into Italian, always remember to add an "o" to the end of your words. Otherwise the Italians will just stare at you. It's that lack of an "o" that makes us Americans.
Overture: This is the most important musical term you will ever learn. We don't need to get into the tiny details of this one, but suffice it to say that if a chick with big gazoombas wearing nothing but leather comes up to you after the show and says "why don't we have a drink overture place tonight" you definitely want to say yes! Yes! YES!
There have been many great musicians from all over the world over the course of history, and we will cover them at a later date. Important names to look for: the Russian "Rock Man" Anov, Greg from Germany, France's Lee Hust, the dude from Star Trek Chekov Skee, and my man "Shoe" Bert. Not to mention the great chick musicians like Debbie Usie, Viv Ahldie, Gert Schwinn and "Show" Pam.
Now that you have a thorough understanding of music history and fundamentals, it's time to learn the intangibles. The things that make music an art rather than a science. These are, in order of importance: leather pants, fire, and casual sex. Congratulations, you're now a musical genius.
Professor Flik Rhoades is the lead guitarist for Madison-area metal band The Screaming Buttfuckers and has been a professor at U Ignorant since "that Seattle thing happened and the scene went to shit". Students are encouraged to wear halter tops to his classes and often wave lighters during special "Power Instruction".