Democrats Celebrate Iraq Funding Bill Reverse-Victory

President Bush, at a speaking event at Toys ‘R’ Us in Dayton, Ohio Saturday, did not seem dissuaded by the Democrats’ claims of success.

“Stuck it to ya. In your face. Iron Maiden in ’08!” the president told reporters, giving the crowd the traditional “rock on” sign with his hand. Presidential handlers described the terse response as a result of a long plane ride and too many cups of Kool-Aid by the sugar-sensitive leader of the free world.

While political leaders on both sides of the fence were chanting hurrahs for their side, nameless critics who frequently only mask the real feelings of unbiased reporters were quick to accuse the Democrats of trying to dress-up a clear loss against a weakened president. For instance, Professor Chad Sham of Counterfeit Studies, of Bogus University in another state.

“Democrats plainly did not want to be faced with brutal accusations of not supporting the troops heading into Memorial Day weekend, as it makes a shitty soundbite. The party is well aware that their current collective charisma couldn’t butter a square of toast, so the last thing they want to do is be caught in the spotlights trying to stand firm against ridiculous accusations of a lack of patriotism and hating the troops, since ridiculous accusations of un-American sentiment seem to be exactly what motivates NASCAR dads to vote. NASCAR fumes may be the number-one killer of political intelligence in this nation, and if I were really a college professor, I’d probably start a research team to look into it.”

Real political analysts, like Amos Stamp, the guy who fills the commune vending machines every month, had clearer insight into the Democrats’ long-term visions for the vote.

“In some ways, they ain’t so crazy,” said Stamp, snacking on a Mr. Goodbar he clearly didn’t pony up the dollar for. “Democrats vote to fund the war right now, and always call it a vote to support the troops later, since the two’s synonymous with the uninformed voting population. But come September, this war’s going to go clusterfuck-supernova and everybody will remember the Democrats was calling for an exit timetable then. They boost they’re popularity and they get their exit bill then, and all it cost anyone was a few hundred more American lives. And in the president, the Democrats have avoided looking like assholes, which is something that’s new to them anyway.”

Notably absent from the yea votes for the bill were the Democrats running for president in 2008, except Sen. Joe Biden (D., Delaware), who was believed to have copied his vote from Sen. Mitch McConnell (R., Kentucky) anyway. Many were quick to stress that they still support the troops, blah blah blah, but stand by our need to end this war as soon as possible. Only former president and trim-magnet Bill Clinton was more outspoken on his critique of Congress.

“Everyone remembers the gruesome budget showdown between me and Gingrich’s Congress, where the entire nation stopped for a few days to see who would win. The Democrats are smart to concede now, and sidestep that huge public flogging I took when I lost. Oh, wait, something doesn’t sound right about it—I remember now. I won that one. What the fuck were they thinking?”

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Believe me, I love my job. If it wasn’t for my job, I would feel I lacked definition, and had no purpose in the world. It’s doing whatever it is I do that makes me who I am. Still, that aside, it’s a soul-sucking, worthless, abysmal darkness having to work day-in, day-out. It saps the very will to live out of me thinking of the things I love in my life and how I can’t do any of them because I have to spend 40 hours a week performing some bullshit function to keep our crass commercial society steaming along, crushing the innocent under its tracks. So nothing perks me up like a long weekend! And a 368-day weekend would be the longest ever.

Imagine: You leave from work on the evening of December 29, 2007 (and it’s been a wonderfully short Christmas week anyway) and you return on Thursday, January 1, 2009. Wait—coming back to work on New Year’s Day? I don’t think so! By necessity, this plan has to be a 369-day weekend! Good Snapple, this plan keeps getting better by the minute! 369 days it is.

I’m not blind to the practical difficulties of such a plan. I’m well aware that if the banks don’t function in 2008, if the farmers don’t grow food and the grocers don’t stock it, if the power company just shuts down for the entire year, it might cause a less-than-enjoyable weekend. I say bullocks! Which is British for bullshit. Whenever I have a long weekend I can just do a few columns ahead of time, or play catch up when I get back. Why don’t we do that? Everybody stock up all the food you can in December 2007, and buy a lot of batteries and gasoline generators. I have a laptop with a battery, so I should still be able to get on the computer. But who wants to? It’s a weekend! This prettyboy’s not working for the weekend.

Forget the dreary drag of the office, let go of that boring drive to work every day— we can hold the presidential election in 2009. The president can’t do the country any more damage if we’re all at home watching The A-Team on TV Land. All I’m saying is think about it, Americans. I just might go ahead and take the “long weekend” myself if no one else wants to do it. Feel free to stop by the regal Finger estate to see my wife, Ginger, sunning in the deck chairs and good ol’ Rok himself mowing the lawn. Check out my pecs.

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This world is full to the brim with crap. Like war. What’s that good for? And techno music. What’s that good for? Absolutely nothing. At least war has lead to some pretty cool movies. Techno hasn’t even done that. Other things that suck: homelessness, celebrities, country music, pitbulls eating babies, racism, NASCAR, people who say they know judo but don’t know shit, polo, candy corn, the death penalty, abortion, anti-abortion, Creed, humidity, Mormons, and cancer.

Sometimes it’s enough to make you want to give up and just smoke crack and watch porno all day. But even that gets old after a while. This same DP scene again? Couldn’t they have at least included some alternate angle features on the DVD or something? I mean, yeah, it’s not even a DVD, it’s an old VHS tape that you found in the closet of your apartment when you moved in, but still.

The other obvious solutions is just to drive through the streets, shooting people at random, hoping you don’t hit too many of the people that make it all worthwhile, like Jamie Kennedy. But not all of us are crack shots, and you forget to roll down the window once or you space that you can’t shoot through the windshield and suddenly your whole car’s like a burrito stuffed with glass. That’s a fine thanks for just wanting to make the world a better place.

I’ve felt like the whole situation was hopeless for years, until I saw this bumpersticker the other day that laid it all out with no bullshit. It said “We Must Become the Change We Want to See in the World,” next to a drawing of John Lennon with a shaved head. Shit yeah. I mentioned seeing that bumpersticker to a friend, who explained that actually wasn’t a drawing of Lennon, it was Idi Amin. No shit. I think that Amin guy knew his stuff. And I’ve adopted that bumpersticker as my new personal philosophy, which I haven’t done since “Shit Happens” in the third grade, not counting those two weeks last year when I was really into “Time Flies Like an Arrow, Fruit Flies Like a Banana.”

But this Amin bumpersticker is way deeper than all that. What it basically means is “If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the problem, dicksuck, so shut the fuck up.” And that really hit me hard. So I’ve decided to take action.

You know how everybody’s always driving all slow and shit, slowing way down going around turns, like old people and whatever, just to piss you off? Not me. Now I’m setting the cruise control at 45 and I don’t slow down for shit. If your tires don’t screech when you go around a turn, you’re part of the problem, bud.

Another major problem we’ve got is Americans signing up for the Army and going over to Iraq and shooting the place all to shit. Not me. I signed up for the Army the other day, but when they come to get me, sorry squares. I’ll be up in Canada, living the good life. Sucks to be you.

Abortion’s another one, and both sides of that argument are full of assholes. So I’m going to do something about it. I’m gonna go out and get a girl pregnant, and I’ll be goddamned if she’s going to have an abortion. Watch and learn, world. To top it all off, we’re not even going to get married, because the divorce rate is way too high in this country. And if her warmonger father comes around with a shotgun, demanding that I marry her or provide financial support, well suck on this padre: I already split for Canada.

Get in line, chumps. The change starts with me.

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