Please.

Deidrebane, my dear, I tire of your ceaseless accusations. I swear this is all I’ve heard about all week since you found that softball-sized rock of crack cocaine in the sofa cushions. For the googleth time, darling, that’s clearly not my shit. Do you see my initials monogrammed anywhere on the rock? My elegantly format CC? Or even one of my famous “Hands Off!” post-it notes? I think not. So let’s put this silly controversy to bed before I miss another moment of the Ultimate Fighting Challenge.

No, of course I don’t know whose crack rock it might be. Did you ask the children? All of them? You really called Montpellier at reform school? I have to admit I’m impressed by your thoroughness, my dear. What did he have to say? Lonely? Wants to come home? Hit another student with a cue ball? Really? Now that’s showing some initiative. I may have misjudged the lad. Was he playing pool or billiards? Snooker? Even better! Remind me to send him a snuff box for Father’s Day. I know he’s not a father, Deidrebane, but anyone can enjoy a fine mahogany snuff box. Don’t be so closed-minded.

Did I see the maid rifling through the couch like she’d just lost several thousands of dollars worth of illegal narcotics? My dear, name me a day when that hasn’t happened! You know how Consequa is, with her rifling. That’s why we chose her from among the finalists, don’t you remember? Consequa was rifling like a pro long after the others had succumbed to fatigue and delirium. It’s her calling card, like Carson with that golf stroke. You know, Rich Carson, when he had that stroke on the course? He milked that for years, dear, always japing like he’d burst a blood vessel in his brain whenever the moment called for levity. Whatever happened to him, anyway? Died of a stroke? Really? I bet it was hilarious.

Yes, I suppose it could have been the butler’s crack rock, now that you bring up the possibility. He’s always creeping around in the shadows, answering the door at all hours of the night. Never trusted that behavior. What was his name again? Lee Butler? That’s convenient. Can’t believe I couldn’t remember that name, how long have we had him? Is that in decades? My word. Remind me to send him a snuff box for Arbor Day.

You know, dear, it could have very well been the dog’s. We don’t know where he goes at night. Why are you looking at me like that? I wouldn’t even know where to find a five-pound rock of pure crack cocaine. Not at this hour, anyway. Let’s get back to the dog thing. Have you noticed that guilty look on his face lately? And the other day he was obviously jonesing, twitching on the floor like an electrocuted sea bass. What? I don’t believe for a second that all dogs do that while they’re sleeping, where did you read that? Dog dreams? Have you been watching that Oprah program again?

Sincerely, Deidrebane, sometimes I wonder about you.