That’s right, you read the title. Health food is one of the three biggest scams foisted on this country since World War II. The other two were communism and World War II. Communism? Never existed. I mean, give me a break people. An entire nation of folks deciding to give up their personal stuff for the common good? What did they do next; sing a song and all fly up to heaven on wings sprouted out of their asses? I’ll believe in communism when you point out to me the first guy standing on a street corner handing out ten-dollar bills who isn’t a politician or a guy who believes in the wide-net method of finding a hooker. Not going to happen.

And World War II? Even less plausible. So the entire world went to war after some mousey little German who looked like Moe from the Three Stooges decided he wanted to run the show? Right. Sorry folks, I just don’t see it. Maybe if they’d thrown in some charismatic Eurotrash bad guy or George Clooney, I might have put a bid in on that bridge. But not they way they paint the story. So let me get this straight, the Japanese bombed us? The JAPANESE? At least get your facts straight, guys, the Japanese don’t use bombs. They use karate. You tell me a story about a bunch of ninjas swimming to Pearl Harbor and chop-sockying some ass, maybe then we can talk. As it is, I give your history a thumbs-down.

Now the latest thing is this health food noise. Since when is there unhealthy food? Food is food, get over it. I’m sure there are some unhealthy things you could possibly eat, but I’d hardly call them food. Rocks, uranium. Maybe light bulbs or little bits of metal, that probably doesn’t go down so hot. But you show me a guy calling that stuff food and I’ll show you a glory hound gunning for a spot in the Guinness Book. If you can eat it without shitting blood, I say it’s fair game.

I mean, think about it. If God didn’t want us to eat chickens, why did he make them run so slow? And cows? What in the world else are you supposed to do with a cow? They sure as hell can’t catch a Frisbee. If we didn’t eat cows, getting anywhere would be impossible, since there would always be a big, stupid cow standing in the way, refusing to move or acknowledge any understanding of basic English. Eating cows was a fact of life in the old days; sometimes you had to eat three cows just to get down the road to check your mail. Eating cows is our natural survival reflex.

And what about dogs? You don’t eat dogs? Neither do I. Nevermind.

But all this noise about fat being bad for you is the biggest crock of them all. Eskimos eat nothing but fat and they live to be hundreds of years old. Either that or they all look the same and I’ve been offending Eskimos for years by calling them all by the same three names. I’ll look into that and get back to you, it may explain all these dead fish I’ve been getting in the mail lately. I thought my nephew had signed me up for that Fish-of-the-Month club again. Now I may need to take back what I said about his mother.

A funny related story: A few years ago, one of the food giants created an ingredient named Lofat to fool health-conscious yet lazy and gullible consumers. The ultimate irony was that Lofat was actually high in fat itself, since it was made from the sweat glands of a North Atlantic Fat Whale. But those health nuts never knew the difference: it tasted horrible, so they all figured it had to be good for them.

Not that I want people to stop eating health food. Keep it up, kids, that leaves more real food for people like me to have an evolutionary advantage. I’ll see you in the mutated future, fruitcakes.