Brand spanking-new pope Benedict XVI has surprised traditionalists this week not only by having the traditional pope throne in the Vatican replaced with an overstuffed Lay-Z-Boy recliner, but more significantly by calling for “Santo Subito,” or “Immediate Sainthood” for his predecessor, the reportedly-deceased John Paul II.

Such a move would be a radical break from the Vatican’s traditional 5-year waiting period between a pope’s death and first chance at beatification, which is not as painful as it sounds. The waiting period has traditionally served as a time for the deceased pope’s life and accomplishments to be put in perspective, to prevent voters from being swayed by the media circus surrounding the pope’s death and the emotions of guilty voters who owed the pope money.

“Your Holiness, though I respect your desire to honor—could someone kindly shake the pope awake, please?” argued Cardinal Vincenzo Palati to snores of disagreement from a reclined pope.

Pope John Paul II himself bent the rules by sponsoring Mother Teresa for sainthood a mere two years after her death, with the explanation that he was tired of waiting to get his hands on the collectable “Saint Mother Teresa” bobblehead doll.

Some have questioned Benedict’s motives, pointing out the possibility that he hopes to accelerate the trend, eventually allowing the pope to declare himself a saint before he even dies, getting around the ever-present problem of being a saint but being too dead to enjoy it. Critics point out the many powerful incentives for pulling off such a coup, including the generous saint discount available at buffets worldwide, and the ability to commandeer civilian vehicles on demand for saintly business.

For John Paul II to be beatified, supporters will have to provide evidence of saint-like miracles performed by his former eminence during his popehood. So far, this looks to be a large hurdle.

“The pope made meatballs one time, using grade D beef,” reminisced cardinal and pope friend Arturo Bennini. “It was a miracle they turned out so good.”

“Well, the pope blew his nose on my shirt once,” explained an awed Victor Minelli. “And the stain looked kind of like cookie monster. You know the cookie monster? So that was kind of weird. A weird miracle.”

“That man was a saint,” claimed a rambling Cardinal Eustace Beeter, in a 45-minute speech that none could claim had a definable point. “Just good people, that pope.”

Catholic statisticians, however, question the logic behind John Paul II being inducted to the Pope Hall of Fame at all, citing the former pope’s poor career stats. 4,000 conversions are traditionally considered to be the benchmark for sainthood, though John Paul II supporters argue that the former pope’s 2,805 were an artificially suppressed number due to injuries and the years that the pope served in the army.

“The three most similar popes to John Paul II, according to their statistics, are Hermes the Mauve, Jonas Ricardo Popino, and ‘Steamboat’ McGill,” explained pious nerd Walter Bumrose. “Not exactly a stellar assemblage of popehood, to be honest. Those are some real bummer popes, most of them from the dark period in the church’s history when they had cash flow problems and would let anyone be pope for a day as long as they kicked in enough cash and brought their own hat.”