Old-Right conservative and Al Gore vote poacher Pat Buchanan fumbled his way into the national spotlight yet again last week, after being doused with salad dressing by a Western Michigan University student who found the former presidential candidate to be dry and lacking in flavor.

Speaking to a group of conservative college students and future knobs in Kalamazoo, Buchanan’s scheduled appearance had garnered considerable controversy even before it began. Some felt that scheduling Buchanan’s talk on the birthday of the late Mexican-American labor leader Cesar Chavez was in poor taste, given the conservative commentator’s well-known “Get Back, Wetback” stance on immigration.

Buchanan spoke to the fawning crowd about keeping Mexicans away from our low-paying jobs for nearly an hour before closing with one of his trademark bizarre slogans.

“And if I’m wrong, may God strike me down with Ranch dressing!”

Almost as if on cue, a moment later Buchanan was drenched by an unlikely quantity of salad dressing, either thrown by an irony-savvy student in the audience or the producers of You Can’t Do That on Television, hiding amongst the catwalks high above the stage.

After briefly losing his composure and waving his penis around the stage like an enraged jungle beast, Buchanan took a moment to taste some of the dressing he was wearing and smiled broadly.

“Wait a minute, this is Thousand Island. Bet’s off!”

The incident came only days after conservative buttwipe William Kristol was hit in the face by a student-thrown pie during an appearance at Earlham College in Indiana. The Weekly Standard editor continued answering questions for another 30 minutes after the pie incident, apparently unaware that thrown food is a customary sign that it’s time to get off the stage.

When asked later what he thought of the incident and the crowd at Earlham, a college known for peace studies, a besotted Kristol seemed surprised. “Pie?”

Both incidents mark a rising tide of food-based violence in America. Similar well-publicized incidents began occurring last year, beginning with the pop group N’Sync being pelted by powdered donuts in Miami and continuing with the completely shocking sight of Gloria Estefan being broadsided by a live marlin on stage in Nebraska, which are now seen as early signs of an alarming trend.

However, these latest events point to a politicization of the food-throwing movement, which could spell trouble for President Bush when he speaks at the National Egg-Lovers’ Convention next month in Chicago.