Parents’ groups across the country are up in arms this week following the publication of “Hitler: Flower of Hate,” Maxwell Haus’ stunning new biography of the late Nazi leader, which according to the dust jacket exposes the former fuehrer’s deep fondness for waltz music. Citing evidence in personal diaries and correspondence between the two historical madmen, Haus’ book suggests that waltz music may also have been a personal inspiration for Italian dictator Benito Mussolini, also mad.

This shockingly belated news has caused a rethinking of national attitudes toward the mostly-forgotten musical form of waltz and the senior citizens who claim to enjoy it. First developed in the Austrian alps in the 17th century as a form of social protest against the stuffy polonaises of the day, waltz was considered an exciting and dangerous music for almost four years until the Polka rocked Europe in 1834.

Concerned mobs throughout America have responded to the latest news with waltz record burnings all week long, in many cases raiding the record cabinets of their elderly and infirm parents to unearth the darkly influential albums before they can do further damage. Asked if her hysterical mob might be going too far, mob spokesperson and daughter of two Andrea Collins disagreed.

“Are you even listening, people?” gushed an exasperated Collins. “This is HITLER music! We’ve got to do this for the chil- the old! Do it for the olderly!”

Though evidence remains sketchy, sensationalistic media outlets have tied waltz music to the rash of shootings at seniors’ dances which may have occurred across the country in recent months.

According to those same disreputable media outlets, a new strain of “hard core” waltz has been gaining in popularity among the nation’s seniors in recent years, a trend that their grown children find troubling.

“This isn’t your parents’ waltz music,” explained University of Pussy Lake musicologist Stans Frenton. “Or actually it is. I’m sorry, it’s just a figure of speech that isn’t terribly useful in this situation. Waltz music hasn’t changed in 400 years; it’s pretty much always been as offensive as it is right now.”

Though the chances of waltz music spreading to our nation’s youth have been estimated by experts to be “fuckin’ remote, like Alaskan outback underground deaf hermit remote,” concerned parents remain concerned about the effect this sedate, docile music may be having on their own elderly parents.

“First they start listening to waltz music,” blathering idiot Josephine Matthews explained to the commune. “Then they don’t want to take their pills any more, and they want to stay out all evening, slow dancing and sitting quietly in chairs.” Matthews shuddered at the thought, or possibly because it was cold.

“Well, at least our kids aren’t listening to this waltz shit,” sighed resigned parent Philip Dillinger of Oak Caverns, IL, poking around for something else to get upset about. “They don’t look up to their grandparents at all, not much danger of there being a bad influence there. As a matter of fact, if I could convince my parents to start taking drugs and freak dancing, I’m pretty sure my kids would stop doing those things too. Hold on, I’ve got to make a call.”