Despite anxious protestations from the Iraqi public upon hearing the president’s quote, George W. Bush vowed this week to push Iraq “out of the frying pan,” in response to a week full of bad news for the U.S. occupation forces. In the face of a continuing bloody standoff in Fallujah, record U.S. and Iraqi casualties in the month of April, and evidence that U.S. soldiers abused prisoners in Baghdad, citizens from across Iraq are telling occupation forces “Thanks anyway, but please stop helping us so much.”

This latest development is discouraging news for U.S. officials, who were encouraged by poll results last week showing that the Iraqi public feels their lives are slightly less horrible now than they were under Saddam Hussein’s rule. According to the poll, 32% of Iraqis prefer the George W. Bush regime to the Hussein regime, opting for the excitement of unpredictable daily bloodshed and abuse at the hands of U.S. soldiers, which locals rate as not quite as bad as the torture of Hussein’s Fedayeen militia. 28% of Iraqis polled instead preferred the predictable oppression of the Hussein days, while the remaining 30% said you could flip a fuckin’ coin.

Upon being reminded that Saturday was the one-year anniversary of his now-darkly ironic “Mission Accomplished” speech aboard the USS Abraham Lincoln, President Bush reminded reporters that he’d never specified exactly what mission he was referring to, and that the one he was thinking in his head was most definitely accomplished, no problem. Bush also stressed the necessity of ousting Hussein, explaining that “a madman cannot be trusted in a position of power.” Even Bush’s harshest critics nodded along with this statement from the president, though many admitted that they were thinking of a different war-crazy madman at the time.

Bush also expressed “deep disgust” over the images that surfaced on CBS’ 60 Minutes II last week, which show U.S. soldiers dressing up Iraqi prisoners in embarrassing Halloween costumes and forcing them to perform in poorly-written variety shows. Bush’s apparent revulsion to the photos was odd, considering he had reportedly known about the images for weeks, indicating that he was disgusted mainly by the fact that the pictures got out to the voting public.

While some Iraqis consider the U.S. occupation a nice change of pace in that their abusers are now white rather than the same old Arab thugs they’ve had for generations, many express concerns that without the stabilizing influence of Hussein’s regime, Iraq will descend into years of bloody racial and religious conflict. The president’s chosen figure of speech in his most recent statement did little to quell these fears.

“Is like... how you say? Out of cooking pot and ass is on fire? Is like that,” explained grocer Jalal al-Batayneh. “Things bad before, yes, but now? Oh shit.”

Mechanic Zainab Akram Kalaf agreed. “We Iraqi have saying, ‘I used to have sunburn, now am on fire.’ This is like trade of Saddam for Bush.”

“Once was screwing pooch,” added schoolteacher Ali Thaib. “Now pooch screwing me, this is saying. You have this saying?”

Residents of the embattled Iraqi city of Fallujah indicated similar sentiments through flag-based signals from apartment windows to the few binocular-toting reporters willing to get within ten miles of the city-shaped deathtrap.

In spite of the worsening situation in Iraq, president Bush has vowed to stay the course with his thus-far botched stab at nation-building.

“We’ve got to get this country out of the frying pan,” Bush explained, gesturing like a chef with his hands. “Once we do that, no matter what happens after, they’re better off. Because think about it, what could be worse than being in a frying pan?”