Haiti reveled in democracy Sunday as President Jean Bertrand Aristide stepped down following the results of a spontaneous recall election held in the country during the past two weeks. When the grassroots campaign effort reached Haiti’s capital of Port-Au-Prince, the defeated president made a quick recession speech and left the country by plane very fast.
“Thanks for nothing, assholes,” Aristide was reported to have said as he climbed the steps into his private jet in a hurry. A short, emotionally-charged speech by the disappointed former leader of the country ending his 14-year role as a power player in Haitian politics.
The fly-by-night recall process demonstrated how strongly rooted in democracy Haiti has become since achieving its independence from France in 1804, even after years of violent revolutions and overthrowing of dictators. With its people suffering results of extreme poverty and allegations of government corruption, the country celebrated its bicentennial by holding an unwritten referendum to removes its first free-elected president from office.
In fact, so fast was the democratic recall held, no candidate had a chance to get on the ballot as an alternative to Aristide’s platform. Insiders in the unofficial Aristide opposition party would not confirm if Gary Coleman or Ariana Huffington had been contacted to fill the open presidency. At press time, hypothetical control of the government rested in the hands of some guy who claimed to be the chief justice of the Haiti Supreme Court, who asked we refer to him as “Jimbo.”
The United States initially sided with Aristide at the first sign of violent democratic reform, but changed its tune last week when opponents of Aristide demonstrated considerable political sway by unleashing anarchy in cities surrounding the capital of Port-Au-Prince. Sunday, following the news of Aristide’s hasty concession, hundreds of Haitians took to the streets to celebrate pure, uncut democracy.
Professor Vander La Baptiste of Port-Au-Prince University’s Department of Coups expressed pride in the country’s grassroots political upheaval.
“For too long Haiti was content with sham ‘representative democracy,’ like a lot of the western world. Finally, we have instituted true democracy,” said La Baptiste. “After years of low voter turnout, five percent or less in many cases, Haitians are interested in politics. You can look out any window—careful, watch out for gunfire—and see them expressing political dissent in a democratic fashion. No longer will we waste time voting on bills and budgets about who gets a television. If someone wants a television, they will exercise their democratic right to go right into the store and take it. The police have respectfully stepped aside and allowed us to express our opinions in every matter, whether you are pro-Aristide or anti-Aristide. Just make sure if you are expressing pro-Aristide opinion you are not in a prominent anti-Aristide party territory.”
La Baptiste added that mob turnout was as high as 54%, but expected those numbers to grow much higher as political fever spread through the population.
On the part of the United States, President George “Whiter than White” Bush promised to show his support for the display of democracy by sending Marines in cooperation with U.N. forces to “visit” U.S. interests in the country—“You know, just to see how they’re enjoying the expression of political opinion down there.”