Yes, despite the deaths of dozens, maybe hundreds of celebrities from all kinds of careers, nothing can make up for the heartbreak of the world’s smarmiest celebrities surviving another year.
The American public took the good with the bad, and even the fact we finally buried lifelong conservative, segregationist, and private-life hypocrite Strom Thurmond could not make up for the fact backroom dealmaking Vice President Dick Cheney is still kicking around the White House. Representative Bill Janklow lost his seat after killing a farmer in his district who may have even voted for him, but left behind to do his ill will is gay-bashing Senator Rick Santorum, not hit and killed by any motorist anywhere.
Meanwhile, all Americans everywhere recall with solemnity when all nine Democratic candidates for president in 2004, sniping each other continuously in debates for the nomination, were not struck by a meteor and instantly killed in a freak accident imaginary statisticians described as “one in a ka-billion.”
Politicians were not the only ones to defy a dose of cosmic justice. Country music pig-yeller Toby Keith won the hearts of the ignorant everywhere with his simple home-style songs of hatred, and tragedy never struck when later this year, while at a concert, Keith grabbed a microphone and fried every blood cell in his redneck white trash body. His chance for death will be sorely missed.
The world of rock also experienced some major lack of losses: Members of Nickelback, Train, Sevendust, Limp Bizkit, Godsmack, Staind, Linkin Park, Audioslave, and Creed stunned the rock world by avoiding drug overdoses, alcohol poisoning, mob- or gang-related deaths, terminal diseases, and crashing one-engine planes to continue making music. While the pop charts suffered from the survival of teen pop agents like Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera, Hilary Duff, and even ancient crumpet Madonna.
But possibly the biggest misfortune in the entertainment history could be the surprise double-murder that never happened of so-called “Bennifer” media sensations Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck. The two are set to follow-up box office flop Gigli with Jersey Girl and other film vehicles for the pair, now unstoppable in the wake of their not dying.
As we look back on 2003, with all its many losses, the names continue to form on our list of the wished-dead. Anna Nicole Smith, Carrot Top, Paris Hilton, any of the Bachelors or, for that matter, all reality TV celebrities everywhere, and that smug morning anchor on CNN. We remember the year, and mourn quietly, but not for too long. 2004 is starting before our eyes, full of potential car accidents, street crime, and even the threat of terrorism any of our least favorite public figures can be unfortunately placed right in the middle of. Godspeed in 2004.