Life Has Lemons for Boris
by Boris Utzov of commune 

It all starts when Boris goes to store to get lemons.

Boris is telling Louis story about is sad that kids on block like to throw eggs at Boris when him is walking Similar to Skippy dog, and Boris is too slow to catch egg presents and make into food or Easter toys. Instead, eggs does hit Boris and make mess on fur hat Similar to Skippy does wear. And Similar to Skippy does pee when hit by eggs, this is his dog defense. So is such a big sad mess.

Louis say when life give you lemons you shut up and make lemonades. Is good idea, but Boris life does not give lemons, does give to Boris eggs. And eggs no good for drinking when stuck on wall or dry in dog’s fur hat.

Life does also give to Boris lint. But lint is so hard to make into drink. One time Boris does try but Louis say drink is like milkshake from Dracula’s ass. No good.

So Boris must buy some lemons from life like vowel on Wheel of Fortunes to do this thing, to make drink from bad things like Louis does say.

First part is to find out where person sells lemons, this is hard part. Lesson one is, persons does not sell lemons at store for buying trees. So strange! But no lemons here. Also no lemons at tennis ball store.

Finally person does tell Boris to go to supermarket for buying lemons. Do not worry; they will let Boris inside even if he is not super. Even plain Boris can shop at this place, good surprise. No more need to wear disguise.

But even at this super place is hard to find lemons. First Boris looks next to sour cream, but things at supermarket not in order of taste. There is fruit right next to sardines, so different. Not even gummy sardine, real fish kinds. Also, supermarket not in order of alphabet, lemons not near Lysol. Lemon-smelling Lysol is here, but Boris think this probably make ass-bad lemonades.

Finally Boris does find lemons, is next to peaches and orangutans. So silly, Boris did not know that things is in order of shape at supermarket. Boris should think of this simple thing!

Boris does take as many lemons as will fit in pants, and is going to say thank you to man in bib when look out, there is magic thing! Is magic little lemons in package from future, made by magic future persons called Sour Patch Kids. Is like Back to Future movie with little magic pizza that does become big, so cool this thing. Is so much better than stupid big Boris lemons that take up so many pockets and fall down legs of pants to make persons laugh.

Boris gets these things instead and kicks big stupid lemons out of pants. Now we are talking about lemonade.

At home, Boris does make lemonade with lemons from Boris magic life. And of course does share first glass with friend Louis, who likes this so much he does scream so all persons can come try magic lemonade. Louis does fall out of chair and scream is so sour, so sour he would kill Boris if him was not so blind from sour lemonade. Is so good like motherfucker, Louis love this stuff. Louis does love so much he wants to give rest to man who keyed Louis car. This is nice making-up thing to do to become friends, Boris thinks.

And Louis can have rest of glass okay, because smell of special lemonade does make Boris teeth hurt and eyes sting. Lemonade of Boris life is so good to make persons dizzy and dog afraid, best to get it out of doors for all world to enjoy.

Look Out for Fuzz
“Oh crap,” thinks Boris. “This is bad kind of shit.” Is true. Boris can imagine hearing funny COPS song out window, but is not so funny when Boris is one crawling under fence while police dogs bite on his fanny. This ruins joke of song.

Wave Hello to Heat
Is so hot. Oh God is so hot for Boris. Is so hot Boris ballsack is boiling. Is not good thing this hot. In homeland, when is so hot Boris does go in pond with straw to stick up for breathing. But Louis say this is no good idea in America because dirty pond will make Boris into monster.

Boris is Ready for Some Football
Reader of Boris may not know that there is magic person in hat who comes on TV to ask Boris questions. Yes, is true, Boris is not talking of shit. Man is like fat cowboy to guide Boris through life.

Hooray for Metallica
Metallica is loud thing with angry persons and smoke, very fun. Is sort of like musics, if musics was like when Louis hits funny bone or finds out Boris is wearing all of Louis clean underwears.

Boris is Pointing
Thanks to thing which is dollar store, Boris is now having pointer. Is thing for rich persons. Yes, like Boris. In homeland, Boris is always pointing at thing with finger, which is for poor persons to do. Other persons do laugh at this stupid pointing thing that is finger.