Monday, July 7, 2003
Sleeping deeply, Major Fleeping
rose though no alarm was beeping
and made a sandwich of apple cores,
which he chewed between the snores.
Incessantly talking while sleepwalking,
Lazlo Dennis beat at tennis
a regional club pro, who, you know,
was dreaming of sleeping in the snow.
Reginald Humphries was getting comfy
on the cowcatcher of a train
speeding toward the coast of Maine.
(He had lobster on the brain.)
Sundried laundry
presents a quandary
for a tomato-eating serf-in-waiting,
who until recently was dating
a school of trout he’d dreamt about.
Loosely-roostered farms were boosted
by the news that Simon Schustered
across the Atlantic in a biplane.
“Worst sleep of my life,” he did complain.
The president, he did lament
waking up to sign a treaty
from a dream where he shared ice cream
and a sleeping bag with Ally Sheedy.
Texas Tony dreamt alimony
had been outlawed while he slept on his horse.
Which it had not been, but of course
while he dreamt this was the case.
But worst of all was Lowland Paul,
who dreamt he was naked at the mall.
The news that had poor Paul in a pall
was that he wasn’t dreaming, not at all.
Milestones
1931: Former commune columnist Sampson L. Hartwig forfeits another “Race Around the World” when it is discovered that he merely hid in a barn for three days, then took a taxi in from the opposite side of town, claiming victory.
Now Hiring
Compulsive Ass-Kisser. Shameless suck-up needed to boost general staff morale and cut down on work days lost to crippling depression. Total lack of discernment required. Insane “Never met a man I didn’t like” attitude a plus.
Top Pants-Missing Explanations
1.
Busted out Hulk-style
2.
Told one lie too many
3.
Busted out Louie Anderson-style
4.
What, aren’t you hot?
5.
Talked out of them by gay Casanova
6.
Made ass look big
7.
Donated to killer mandroid from future
8.
Realized parachute pants went out of style in 1986
9.
Sat in ham
10.
You kidding? Pants are so 2002
Learn About Rain
The rain falls wet like sloppery skittles from the mouth of a stupid dog. The beautiful rain, it coats the trees like sex lubricant. But that’s where the rivers come from.
The Color of My Blade Is Chartreuse
Who can compare the green of a sunset to the gray of a ham? Or the scarlet water that trickles down, very nearly without a sound, as the brown sky spans overhead… Have truer words been said?
Mom
One of these days I will have a million dollars one of these days I will have a house on the hill one of these days mom will need money for medicine or clothes or food or shoes or walkers or old people things
