Up, Up and Away
by Tyler Swick 

Up, up and away
in my beautiful balloon!
Not a sound as I
lift off the ground.
Piss on you suckers
and your ground-standing!

Goddamn there sure are a lot
of birds up here,
and not just cute ones.
I could swear some of these
birds have gonads.
Gross.

Getting kind of dizzy…
probably should have brought
a tank of oxygen or
blew some in a bag or something.
I thought there’d be more air up here,
it looked pretty airy from the ground.

Hey how’d this goddamned bear get in here?
Shit, I wish this beautiful balloon was
bigger and had a closet to hide
in or something.

Kinda cold up here too.
You’d think being closer to
the sun and all it’d be hot
but you’d be the asshole there.
Cold as my stepmom’s dick up here.

Should’ve brought some food
probably
at least some mixed nuts.
I could probably catch a bird
to eat if I wanted to,
but goddamn that sounds like work.

As long as we’re talking about
shit I’d do different,
I definitely would have pissed
before I left.
Damn. I’m crampin’ up here, big time.
I’d whip it out but I’m worried
the shit would freeze and I’d
have like a two-mile-long icicle
hanging off my dick.
Fuck that!

I hate ballooning.
As soon as I get down I’m going
straight to the fanciest restaurant in
town and I’m going to piss
while they cook me a steak.

If that’s not an option,
I’m gettin’ some cornnuts.

Hopefully I didn’t balloon back in time
because Ronnie owes me money
and that’d be just my fucking luck.

OK gotta go, the bear’s got an idea.
If you see my balloon,
fuck you.
Nothing personal
that just means I’m still stuck up here.
Later.

Ray Manatino’s Reworked Classics
Baa baa, black sheep, have you any wool? Yes sir, yes sir, what the fuck do you think I’m wearing here? Does this look like polyester to you?

Curses
I curse you with the spirit of Ralhallah, for charging me this late fee, Blockbuster. The one-eyed stare of Tulanjabi will seal the fate of thee, cock-buster.

Alphabet Soup
Anemic anteaters from Azerbaijan bounce from brassieres and bark at batons. Cold-water codfish cause cramps in the colon of a dark-dimpled debutante named Deborah Dedolin.

Scream, You Monkey
I saw the best mimes of my generation destroyed by a mulatto with a flame thrower and a huge man-eating whale with rubber tires. Oh my God he’s coming!

The Walrus Said
The time has come, the walrus said, to smoke a box of crack. Fucking walrus! Stay out of my drug box, and you’re standing on my sack!