Apologies to the President
by Ramrod Hurley 

We continue our flip-flop on previous political stances here at the commune, and applaud President W. George Bush for his fearless perseverance to do the right thing for Iraq, no matter how many in the world disagree.

That’s right. The main purpose of this column has always been to expose conspiracies and shine the golden light of truth on the hidden corners of government and the world, but piss on that—that’s golden, too, you know. The president has received unending support from Americans since the start of the war, particularly Americans outside of large metropolitan areas and educated circles, and the commune wants to make it clear we support this president. As shown with Wednesday’s liberation of Baghdad and Saddam Hussein’s cowardly death by bomb drop, the ends have clearly justified the means.

Yes, freedom has finally hit Iraq, and knocked down the buildings and buried its people in shrapnel. Every American was filled with a sizable amount of patriotic do-gooderism seeing that giant statue of Saddam Hussein yanked down by an American tank and its head dragged through the streets. It was not unlike when U.S. troops knocked over that giant statue of Hitler in Berlin and blowtorched the mustache off—if any of you are old enough to remember that. It’s too bad there weren’t more televisions in households in 1945 to show that, as well as the technology to broadcast it.

In the spirit of the new, presidential-friendly commune, we would like to announce a few apologies, retractions, and corrections concerning the White House. We’ve given the president a good ribbing, so it’s only fair we acknowledge our previous mistakes.

To start off, in the first few months following the 2000 election results, it was perhaps a little crude to refer to George W. Bush as “election-thief Bush” or “Electoral Vote Hi-Jacker Bush” as we did. It likewise may not have been in the best interest of fairness to continue the use of quotation marks on the word “president” when referring to Bush in articles.

Reports that the president’s secret serviceman codename was “Captain Shithead” may have lacked the proper verification for publication, and we may have misrepresented that. Opinion columns stating that Bush’s stance on race relations was similar to that of a 1850s plantation owner were probably a little hard on the president; news articles declaring the same thing were even more egregious examples of our previous bias.

The “W” in George W. Bush cannot be proven to stand for Warmonger, Whack-Job, Whitey, or Whiffledick. Any article referring to the president as Fascist W. Bush may have been typing errors.

Pictures of a long-haired, orange-jumpsuited bearded man with a swastika carved into his head may have been incorrectly identified as George W. Bush when in fact they were probably Charles Manson. The fact these photos appeared repeatedly labeled as the president cannot be explained.

Pictures of the president anally violating animals may have possibly been created in Photoshop. We have one we’re reasonably sure about, but at this time we’re urging careful speculation on all previous photos of the same nature.

At this time, we cannot verify the legitimacy of any quotes previously attributed to the president. On those rare occasions verification was possible, we decided not to seek it out. It’s better to not know.

Keep in mind these are merely the articles that e-mailed back and forth among the staff. To make a list of the anti-administration comments and reporting that actually made it into print in the commune will take a lot of time, but we are considering doing it at some point.

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