Bulimia Machine
by Alamo Cruise, “The Hopeless Loser” 

“My body is like a well-oiled machine—both are really oily.”

I joined a gym yesterday. I didn’t know it could be court-ordered to join a gym. I suppose if nothing else it’s a good warning to everyone else not to snack on pork rinds during court proceedings, but in my defense, it’s not like it was a murder trial or nothing. Just manslaughter.

The gym’s not so bad, really, if you know where to look. Only suckers stop at the machines with the pully slinky things or those machines where you run and never go anywhere. There was some comedian who said I don’t run unless I’m being chased, but I think he was just pissed off at me for eating pork rinds while he was trying to do his act.

Gyms have hot tubs and showers and all sorts of cool things. The showers have hot water, but you have to shower with all these guys who are probably gay. They were watching me the whole time I showered. Only one of them said anything, some security guy who came up to me afterwards and said you can’t take firearms into the shower, there was some law against concealed weapons in the club. I told him it was in a holster but there was no way to conceal anything while taking a shower. He didn’t think it was funny and I’m on warning at the club.

I tried losing weight hundreds of times before, but I always gain it back when I start breathing again. You can try to keep it sucked in all day, but I’m telling you it doesn’t work. You just turn blue and pass out, which is another thing that pisses off judges and stand-up comedians.

One time I bought one of those electric machines you hook up to your body and lose weight with electricity. I tried it on everything, and I mean everything, but I never lost any weight. Well, it made my balls shrink up to the size of peanut M&Ms but that’s not the kind of thing you can brag about.

What they need is some kind of bulimia machine or something. Those bulimics lose shitloads of weight. I’m not talking a big Willy Wonka kind of contraption, just some kind of box where you spit the food after chewing all the flavor out of it. Take a chicken wing, munch on it until the flavor’s gone, then spit it into the box, maybe even throw the bone in. Man, if it turned the spitty crap back into food, you’d have a million-dollar idea. But all the food lobbies would be pissed.

That reminds me, I’m out of pork rinds.

Yuppies Driving Douches
Have you ever gotten your dick stuck in a car’s exhaust pipe? Me neither, of course, but it would be funny to see. I don’t think it will ever happen, not as long as they keep making these modern cars with huge exhaust pipes.

Duck’s Ass
I went to Burger King where they say I can have it my way, but the manager said the commercial wasn’t talking to me when they said that. I had it their way, and it was alright.

Nice Herpes
This guy was totally wearing a hairpiece. It’s funny as hell because it looked real bad and I though of those Cheech & Chong guys when they keep saying hairpiece and it sounds like “herpes.” They’re saying, “I got herpes and everyone can tell I got herpes!” It’s funny. So I tell the guy he has coldsores and he punches me out. True story.