Monday, November 25, 2002
I’ve not had any luck finding much information about myself online. Ever since www.heresyourdaddy.com went defunct and website operator kittyfan became unreachable, the web has become a very barren place for Clarissa Coleman information. Sure, I can find some Who’s Your Daddy episode guide information on some lame websites, but none of them have ever kept current information about yours truly and a lot of them continue to spread that vicious urban legend that I was killed by Son of Sam, even though his murder spree was about 3 or 4 years before our show even came on. Believe it or not, I haven’t even found anything on the commune, so if you’re reading this it’s by fate or luck or the grace of God or you surely must be part of some marketing audience or something.

I got desperate enough for some word, any word of me online that I did a search for “clarissa coleman nude” and, with baited breath, awaited the search results. You believe nothing?!? I mean, come on! It’s not like I ever posed for any nude photographs or anything, but aren’t there legions of internet weirdoes out there cutting and pasting heads onto bodies just for larks or fetish purposes? I swear I went to one site and saw the head of Benji on Charlize Theron’s topless body. Don’t I rate like Benji?

I would say I have fairly realistic goals. I’m not trying to compete with Alyssa Milano, I know she’s the queen of nude internet searches, and I let her have that. I’m not asking to challenge anybody’s spot, but isn’t there one person out there putting my head on some Playboy playmate body or something?

I even went to some rare spots like www.seemyexgirlfriendnaked.net to see if a former flame was looking to score revenge against me for all the wrongs I did. Nada! It’s like none of my fans want to see me naked bad enough to cut and paste my head into some badly-lit shot. I get e-mail all the time telling me I should cum and see Britney’s secret blow-job video. I’m not asking for some blow-job video, I’m just talking a tasteful little topless number of some kind. It doesn’t have to match. Hell, it doesn’t even have to be pasted, take some girl who kind of looks like me and tell everybody it’s me. She could be Asian even, as long as somebody made the effort.

Nothing says you’re off Hollywood radar when there’s nobody trying to fake your nudity on the web. That’s how you know Martha Raye and Phyllis Diller are hopelessly past their prime. I think I even saw a site with faked Dionne Warwick nude pics. At least I hope they were fake. Brrr! That’s gonna keep me up tonight.

It’s true, it’s not impossible to see me naked. There’s a little bit of nudity in that B-movie Orgasma on the Moon I did, and there may still be copies of my butt circulating from that Christmas party at NBC a couple years ago. Hell, stumble into my apartment at the wrong time of the night and you can catch me wearing nothing but my sunglasses and Jiffy Pop-style disco hat—not that I’m inviting any of you freaky fans to do that. Oh, hell, yeah, I’m inviting you to do that. Just once, just so I know you’re out there.

You can tell it’s starting to bother me just a bit, meaning a whole hell of a lot. I’m a pretty former child star and I’ve got a body like a brick tithouse so somebody out there should be fabricating images of me, even if just for their personal enjoyment. If I don’t start seeing some evidence of that soon I may take it upon myself to launch my own website. I’ll get my friend Ernie, the web-genius (he manages the very popular Dancing Bob Saget site) to help me with the HTML and Photoshop a few pics for me. Right now I’m leaning toward Halle Berry’s body, but the only photos I could find of her show her humping Sling Blade. I’m not sure that’s the kind of image I want to project, but hey, I’m open-minded.

Giving Celebrity Shoplifters a Bad Name
Marcie McMillan, my co-star from the failed pilot for that underrated crime-fighting girls show Training Bras, was the master. She once shoplifted an entire aquarium, including fake rocks and a sump pump, out of a pet store while she was only wearing a bikini.

My Sims Still Feel Leashed
It’s sadly true—these Sims just want to buy stuff and eat and take baths and talk to each other. Wow, what fun, she sarcastically stated. I can eat and take baths in my world! I get enough talk throughout the day, with, “Clarissa, your payment is overdue,” and “Clarissa, I’d like to take a biopsy of this mole.”

Clarissa Coleman Re-Invented
It’s the obvious thing to do at this point. When at first you don’t succeed, vastly re-define the world’s perception of you and try again, with more attitude.

No Credit Card for Clarissa
I would say it’s racism, but I’m pretty sure all the credit card companies are mostly run by white people. And I basically pass for a white person, nobody really cares about if my granddad is Puerto Rican and my step-mom is Navajo.