Monday, November 11, 2002
It’s rare that I take requests from people for columns, given that my office is very well hidden and can only be found with use of a pirate map I scribbled several years ago; at least, that’s what I thought until Omar Bricks looked behind the water cooler after hearing a burp and found yours truly ducked behind. So for the ever-curious Mr. Bricks, I present the story of smoking.

Everyone who’s not a tool already knows that the first tobacco crops were grown in ancient Mesopotamia, but it would be hundreds of years before anyone thought to stick them in their mouths and light them. No, at first tobacco leaves were used for early toilet paper, and was ceremoniously declared the greatest “found” invention by some shaman-type fellow who periodically declared things. Unfortunately, this was also closely linked with the earliest nicotine addictions, as some people were discovered going to the bathroom 20, 30 times a day. Tobacco was soon banned for the first time and the Mesopotamians (translated today as “messy sons of bitches”) went back to their original toilet paper choice, live rabbits.

Tobacco was discovered again years later, during medieval times, when a resurgence in popularity in the crop sprouted almost overnight. Barbarians first encountered the sensation of tobacco smoke during one of those “trash-the-town-and-burn-everything” fits they were prone to. Two burnout barbarians in particular known as Gunther and Jovann were put to death for taking ten-day smoke breaks after their discovery of what happened when you ignited full tobacco fields. Enterprising associate barbarians took crop samples and traveled throughout Europe, peddling the leaves to kids in grotesque camel costumes.

The aristocracy of Europe became models for the “modern” enlightened smoker. Catherine the Great even signed the first exclusive endorsement contract for Ragamuffin Cigarettes which included posting her severed head smoking with a smile over the slogan “Aaaah… flavor country!” painted on a fence. Those who could afford the expensive cost of tobacco engaged in frequent smoking to give their skin that healthy yellow tint and their voice that sexy gravelly sound; the poor were left to contract those through leprosy.

Skip a few hundred years ahead, and all the rumors about a “revolution” and war with the British boils down to a few angry skirmishes because the Brits were worried America was going to cut off their tobacco and refuse to honor all previously-acquired coupons, and the Brits really wanted that bowl-shaped tent. The colonists and the Brits sat around a table, they played a few cards, they smoked a whole field, and everything was settled with a quick short treaty. Of course, we then turned around and raised the price on a pack of cigarettes three coppers, which really pissed them off, but they weren’t about to quit years before the patch had been invented.

As we all know, smoking today has become such an addictive habit law after law has been passed to curb and eventually eliminate smoking throughout the country. In all history only one other habit has been so addictive, and they likewise eventually outlawed shooting people in the anus with a crossbow. Is smoking bad for you? Yes, but practically anything enjoyable is bad for you, as hundreds of people with crossbow shafts in their asses would attest. So light up and enjoy! And hopefully I can eventually answer Omar Bricks’ more specific questions about “special” tobacco products.

Your Mama Invented Television
The time had come for television, and no one knew this better than President Roosevelt. He wasted no time shining the big, lightbulb-shaped searchlight into the sky, signaling for all of the inventors to come out of their basements and backyard sheds and insane asylums and come to their country’s aid.

Susan Be Anachronism: The Dollar Coin Story
Originally only available in the west or localized flood areas, the dollar coin became novel because you could bite it and pretend to know a lot about money, even if you were a dipshit.

You've Got to Be Shitting Me: The Story of the Sundial
In medieval times, it was believed that one could tell time by throwing rocks at a calf. If the calf was unaffected by being hit with the rocks, it was nighttime. If the calf became agitated, it was noted that the time was daytime. If the calf was hit in the head and died instantly, it was exactly noon, and time for sandwiches.

Pop Goes the Wiesel: The History of Soda
Wiesel responded by buying a gigantic sack of empty beer bottles from a local orphanage, then filling them all with cole slaw. He was almost there. Realizing that this in no way addressed his soda-selling needs, Wiesel dumped out all of the cole slaw and filled the bottles with his sizzling new beverage instead.

The Bermuda Triangle
Seldom does a place name elicit the kind of pants-shitting terror associated with the Bermuda Triangle. Even reasonable people who have never heard of it before reflexively clutch their scrotums with trembling fists at its mention, intuitively sensing their own impending doom.