Monday, October 14, 2002
The media is liberal and everybody knows that. You have to accept that it’s not always going to cover the news fairly. The environment and war and education and all these left-wing things come first with the media. But all journalists have a duty to cover all problems even with minimal coverage. Where is the coverage of the nerd problem?

In this day and age with 22-hour media coverage on TV and the websites and the newspapers publishing once, even twice a day, you would think someone would focus on the nerd problem just once. I think it’s proof that now, more than ever, we need to bring the nerd problem to the attention of everyone, because the nerds are obviously running the media as well.

This is no surprise to me. I warned people, loudly at social functions, that nerds would not go away if left unchecked. They have to be abused, verbally and physically, and their books knocked out of their hands—it works really well with nerds because they carry a ton of books. Yes, around the early 1980s, even then, I saw the nerd problem coming miles away. But I thought we were all on the same page, you and I, the normal persons. I have been doing my part to stop the nerd rebellion. What have you been doing?

The 1980s were a dream time for us fighting the nerd movement. Nerds were everywhere on TV, from the early 80s TV shows like Square Pegs to the late 80s TV shows like Family Matters. Even nerd-supportive movies like Revenge of the Nerds (God, I hope not) weren’t all that bad. At least we were talking about the nerd problem. Nobody talks about the nerd problem.

The nerds haven’t gone anywhere. A nerd is even the richest man in the world. A nerd, Stephen Hawking, is the smartest man in the world—well, yeah, they can have that, who cares, that’s nerd territory. A nerd was the vice president and even ran for president, though I’m glad the American people came to their senses—but it was close people, way too close. Are we losing our anger and unrepentant anti-nerd rage?

I raised three kids, not one of them a nerd. There’s Mike, my youngest, Bunko, my youngest, and Maul, my oldest, and they all know what to do to a nerd when they see him. But three good boys, no matter how athletic and quick to rage they may be, cannot do the work of the entire nation. You need to pick up the ball you dropped and get back on the nerd-busting wagon.

These people should be doing our work for us. Nerds exist for a reason, and that reason is not to run everything. These are the kids that used to do our homework back in high school! They’re there to give us answers, not to make me come into the Chia Pet factory on my day off because we need to “play catch-up.” They built the internet, but why do they have all the money from it? They should be running the internet so we can e-mail each other and fixing it when it breaks down and stop giving us guff about our modems and stuff. And get to work on that e-mail writing voice program already, I don’t have time to punch typewriter keys all day. See? This is the kind of stuff we’re left to do when nerds run rampant.

Nerds have been walking around without wedgies for long enough. I’ve made my point, and if I haven’t made it in a all ooh-la-la writing way, well, it’s only more proof I’m a normal guy like you. Let’s gang up again, like we did in high school, and stuff these nerds in their collective lockers. Literally speaking.

Just a Minor Setback in the Raoul Dunkin Story
I started off at the commune in the beginning of its web birth. I was the first to point out to Red Bagel that a black background and black text make the stories more difficult to read. My thanks was a dirty scowl and a desk drawer full of cooked noodles, which would have been more of a disappointment if I weren’t so happy to receive the desk at the time.

Tonight I Dine on Victory
Lake Placid? How you could get a movie about a giant alligator in a small town confused with a movie about hyper-intelligent sharks eating all the people at a floating sea lab? No victory for you, George.

I Don't Even Know How to Bring Up the Subject of an Orgy
Still, despite all the machismo spilling out all my holes, I got to admit I’m not as confident as I look all the time. I can ask girls out, I can ball their brains out if the car has enough room, and I can never call them again and not think twice about it.

I'm Not a Pessimist, I'm an Asshole
I see the glass as neither half-full nor half-empty. I just want to know who the hell drank my water. I’m not performing a glass-filling service here, people.