Monday, October 14, 2002
Freedom continues to take a back seat to corporate rule as the music industry lawyers push forward in their attempts to ban peer-to-peer file trading. This shouldn’t surprise anyone; it’s become common knowledge that virtually every corporation is a collection of insidious bastards who devour and devour until everything is destroyed. I mean we’re not naïve here, Americans, we know how the world works.

What really cooks my goose about the whole matter is that the record companies are unknowingly shooting down the future of travel and transportation, and countless other industries, in their ridiculous holy war to end music file swapping. The technology has yet to be realized, and while it sure is nice to hear how god-awful the new Madonna album is before you buy it, let’s face it—if you were going to buy the new Madonna album you were entirely deserving to get stuck with a bad CD and out $17.99. Free music is a nice convenience right now. In the future, file trading will be indispensable, or it should be if the music companies don’t destroy it in the larval stages now.

The next rational step, and I have friends who are working on this as well as plenty of private cells, is the digitization of everything. And when I say everything, readers, I mean everything: Plants, dogs, recliners, trailer homes, Slinkys, bath towels, Connie Chung, wash towels, medicine, chicken feed, and paper towels. As well as all the other things I didn’t mention. Like wooden chairs, Jamaican hand-carved statuettes, toy cars, magazines, silverware, real cars, Radiohead, video equipment, and others.

Sure, it’s a long way off. I suspect Willie Nelson in particular will be hard to digitize. But once it all happens life as we know it will change. No more leaving the house to shop, we’ll have shopping online! Items instantly delivered, and not by UPS delivery men you wouldn’t trust to take out your garbage, but by the digitizer machine. This device will be no bigger than a refrigerator, unless it is a lot bigger, or perhaps smaller. The technology is still in its infancy and just speculation right now. Let’s say as big as a fridge, though, it sounds more fun to talk in specifics.

Shopping, however, is just one aspect of life that will change forever. File swapping, if it can hold together another twenty years, will be an amazing tool of bartering and trading via the internet. Of course, it’s unlikely someone will actually give stuff away for free as they do now with music files, but they will actually trade for something of equal value. The old capitalism system will finally die off, pleasing my friends Rage Against the Machine at least. It will please me as well, because I have this sofa bed I would love to swap for a working George Foreman grill and I refuse to move the damned thing. I have a bad back, and am incorrigibly lazy. Once I can turn it into digital information and swap it for one with someone else my life will be a whole lot easier and it will really open up my living room. I can practically taste the pork chop sandwiches now.

But all of this is a moot point, for moots only, as long as the record companies press on in their fight to kill file trading in its sleep, like Marvin Gaye’s dad heading into Marvin’s room. We need to stand up, figuratively, while we still sit in our chair trading Pixies downloads, and tell the record industry to fuck right off. Maybe when they apologize for the proliferation of boy bands and teen idols out there I’ll let them have a say in the future of America, but until then they can go back to counting their reduced profits and let file trading stay unhindered.

I Will Not Accept My Party's Nomination for President
The tireless, thankless job of running for president itself would be more than I could bear at this time. I need constant reassurance and reward for everything I do.

Lawsuit Settled, Advantage: Bagel
Apparently, M-TV and Dunkin were a poor match from the get-go and even the coveted 3-5 a.m. timeslot couldn’t make him a star. He pink-slipped that job and ended up writing plays off-off-Broadway, specifically the Vlanch Community Theater in Vlanch, Pennsylvania.

I Want Compensation for the Play Based on My Life
First off, and this is so obvious it doesn't bear pointing out: Fred Scarsdale? It rhymes with Red so plainly I needn't go any further. The judge will hear that and throw the book at the playwright, and it will be a Michener book, I can tell you that much.

The Cold Dish on Reality TV
Like the “real people” on Cops, every reality show character is portrayed by unknown actors with strong improvisational skills, but poorly-constructed characters.