Monday, September 30, 2002

I will invent it!

A mendable, bendable tube
that will heal any wound
and smell like the moon
for only half a dubloon!

A meteor catching net
that plays DVDs
and warms up your knees
and always asks please
when you forget to
because you are an asshole.

A robot that picks the nuts out of trail mix
and the raisins and nasty bits of cereal
and those dusty little pretzels that taste funny.
Yeah. Fuck those, too!
A robot that makes it all M&Ms would be nice.

A lotion that puts out fires
inside electrical wires
and smells like a honeysuckle bath.
An alarm for when your milk expires
or when there’s a nail in your tires
or when you’re sleeping with liars.

A meter that tells you
how much time you have left
before the heart in your chest
shoots straight out of your breast.
Goddamned bacon cheeseburgers!
Why do they have to make them so good?

A magnifying machine
that makes little nickels work like quarters
and supersizes all your orders
for way less than 39 cents!

And finally, a man-sized pillow that pleases
says “Excuse!” when it sneezes
and never, not once ever (unlike another)
puts the moves on your mother
or your sexually confused younger brother
or your collie or any other
household pets after ten lousy drinks!

And it’s not named Steve!

Mrs. The Pope
I’ll elope with the Pope on a Sunday in Spain, and I hope that the dope won’t pick a day when it rains. For though the walrus and crow might find it refreshing, the sugar-drop people would melt right through the chairs’ meshing.

God Only Nose
Just think if your cheeks were where your face ended! How strange! How ugly! How inconvenient! How loathe! Why, if you had to sneeze then you’d damn near explode!

Marmalade and Lace
Marmalade and lace, I step on your face as you draw back your bow. Where’s the arrow? I don’t know.

My New Lifestyle
What a beautiful day! I almost wish I was gay and I lived in L.A.. What more can I say? What a wonderful life that would be!