Monday, May 27, 2002
Did President Bush know about Osama bin Laden’s terrible plans before September 11th? You bet your flight-school-flunking ass he did.

On August 19th, the CIA intercepted a top-secret communication between bin Laden and one of his top aides. Does the phrase “up your nose with a rubber hose” mean anything to you? Exactly. The CIA transmitted this translation to the president later that day:

oSamaYomama17: Hey diddle diddle, Malcom in the Middle.

die4aLLah: wasssssssaap, bitch?

oSamaYomama17: Ain’t a thing, dawg. We still on for Allah’s House Party?

die4aLLah: huh?

oSamaYomama17: Shit. Am I the only one that reads these code booklets? You know, the thing? Praise Allah, you stupid. I’m surprised they even let your ugly ass into flight school. You know, we gonna blow up them buildins and the White House or some corn field out in Pennsylvania or some shit? What, you got something else going on that week?

die4aLLah: Aw, right. Shit yeah dawg. I read ya. I though you wuz talking bout the J-lo concert on Sunday. I’m witcha. Death to them hatless motherfuckas! C;-P

oSamaYomama17: Ain’t that some true shit. We still meeting up at the mall later?

die4aLLah: Without a doubt. As long as you’re still not cruising round in that tired old head wrap. Haha. l8ter!

Many of you may have your fragile little worlds destroyed by the notion that the president knew of these horrors beforehand, but it’ll bleach your pigment even further to know that it’s happened before. Many times. Truman knew all about Pearl Harbor before it happened. Nixon knew about the Kennedy assassination. Hell, Reagan even knew who shot J.R.

But why, you ask, would Bush sit by and do nothing if he knew of the tragedy to come? Simple. Osama bin Ladin is…

George W. Bush’s father.

I know we’ve all been led to believe that George Bush, Sr. is his true father. And it seems to make sense, what with the name and all. But what few know is that when W. was very young the powers that be feared the creation of an evil dynasty and took action, hiding him from his true parents. He was taken to live with his aunt and uncle Barbara and George, where he grew up far from the influence of Osama and his dastardly ways. Everyone knows that Osama bin Laden has more brothers than a Malcolm X fan club, but few in the media cared to dig deep enough to discover that among the list of Osama’s fifteen brothers there lies one very familiar name: George Bush.

Senior.

What delicious irony that the progeny of Osama “Maraudin’” bin Laden would be hidden right under his nose, raised in the tutelage of his seafood-intolerant world leader brother. When Osama found out, he responded by throwing a rock at a plane in what was thought to be outrage. Though that’s only an educated guess at best since bin Laden has long been known to throw rocks at planes to express a wide range of emotions.

Understandably, this has put President Bush in the most delicate of situations. Naturally, he wants to stop the needless destruction and loss of lives, and to bring the terrorists to justice. But he’s pulled even more strongly by the need to confront his infamous father and come to grips with his own heritage. Bush, like any man, wants to play catch with his dad and go with him to a strip club. He wants the warm fireside chats, bugshit fatherly advice and savvy bomb-making lessons that are the birthright of all 87 of Osama’s children.

Decisive action by Bush last August could have possibly averted the tragedy of September 11th. But what about the tragedy of a son never coming to know his father? Let’s step back from our own selfish perspectives for a bit and think for a moment about a family reunion that’s long overdue.

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