Monday, April 29, 2002
I’m sure I will take a lot of flack for this, or fleck, as well as flecktones, but someone has got to stand and state the morally obvious: This big-time Survivor show does nothing but glorify the lifestyle of desert island castaways.

Not that glorifying this depraved lifestyle is anything new. There have always been exploitative movies like The Blue Lagoon, Return to the Blue Lagoon, Castaway (1987) and Cast Away (2000), as well as trashy novels like Robinson Crusoe. I have always hoped the resurgence of this abnormal lifestyle in the media would fade away again as quickly as it sprang up. But now that it returns as a fairly successful T.V. show, it’s time somebody took a stand. Are we supposed to sit back and do nothing while our children are encouraged to accept this as a normal lifestyle? While these people are portrayed as heroes by the ignorant, money-hungry media? I’m not going to do that. I have six children, three of my own, and I will teach them the difference between right and wrong. And stranding yourself on a desert island is wrong.

I’m sure some of you bleeding hearts will argue with me that these people are victims, that nobody sets out to strand themselves on a desert island. Let’s not be naïve, people. People on desert islands are no more victims than drug abusers or people with A.I.D.S. You know there are certain things in your lifestyle that invite harm and danger to you, like using drugs, sharing needles, or sailing a boat through a record-setting storm. Babying people like this is not going to change anything, they need tough love.

You know what they say: “Give a man a fish, he eats today, or possibly tomorrow, if the fish lasts that long; teach a man to fish and he eats everyday, as long as you give him a rod and bait.” Get it? Then please explain it to me, since I’m a little foggy on it.

My point is that while I want to be an accepting, all-forgiving person, it’s easier to be angry and vengeful and curse what I don’t understand. Would you rather be firm now and explain to your kid what’s right and what’s wrong, or have them out in the middle of ocean braving a storm of epic proportions? Having the wind and rain slam them overboard, where they must grab onto debris and float amidst choppy waves until they pass out and wake up on a beach? Then find them years later either naked or with only a goofy little loincloth and a full length beard to cover their private parts? And God forbid someone of the opposite sex is the only other survivor, no telling what kind of porn movie fantasies will be happening on that uncharted desert island.

We’re all adults, we know how the real world works. It’s not all millionaires, movie stars and the rest in this desert island fantasy the kids work up in their heads. The real world is hunger, loneliness, and extreme sunburn. We as Americans have to reject this lifestyle altogether rather than let it worm its way into the fabric of our society as a modern legend, like the cowboy.

Good luck to you in your personal efforts to thwart the image of the happy, well-adjusted castaway in society. I would suggest forming a group against this sort of thing, but only on the condition I get to be leader. After all, I did write this column and bring it to your attention, right? It’s about time somebody made me leader of something. Otherwise it wouldn’t be worth leaving the cabin.

I Would Sail Seven Seas to Find You if I Had a Boat and You Were Not Already Here
This is dedicated to my wife, on the occasion of our three year anniversary. The time… where has it gone? Out of my soul and into you, through several orifices, that’s where.

You: Tall, Gorgeous Blonde. Me: Abusive Drunken Bigot
You felt it, too, didn’t you? You were studying me pretty close while I was doing that breathelizer test. I caught a look at your fine ass and I thought I was going to pass out, and it wasn’t from the .13 blood alcohol level.

At Least Your Last Name's Not Fagerbakke
Over the course of my life, any time I've had a gripe about the way things were going or if I had things that I thought were unfair, my mom was always there to remind me that there are people out there who have it worse off than me.

Way to Cock Up My Birthday Party, Grandpa
Hi Grandpa. Mom wanted me to write to tell you that I'm not mad at you anymore for what happened at my birthday party. She says that you probably didn't mean to have a giant heart attack right when everybody was just starting to have fun.