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Pirate downloading, copying blamed for CD sales decline
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"Asshole cat" back from the grave
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Zombies the growth industry of the young millenium
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Academy hopes Aussie actor will notice them at long last
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Who is Preventing the Men At Work Reunion?
Who would you throw up against them? Pat Benatar? The Go-Go’s? Pitiful imitations Men Without Hats? All were common slaves in the arena against Men At Work—the gladiators.
• Last Issue: I Fear the Olsen Twins Are Space Pilgrims
• From the Vaults: Chuck E. Cheese is Using Child Labor to Cook Pizza
• more columns
Just Say No to Rabid Dogs
I guess every little kid had to have some major disillusionment when they were young, like having their parents die or ordering Sea Monkeys.
• Last Issue: Windows XP: Fight the Future
• From the Vaults: Nostradamus My Ass
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I've Had Plenty of Inappropriate Relationships
You remember back when that hillbilly president was accused of poking the office help? In the end he never admitted he got his jolly roger vacuum-cleaned, but he did admit to an “inappropriate relationship” with the lady. That’s classy, man.
• Last Issue: Welcome to My Nightmare
• From the Vaults: Not Happening
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Let the Games Begin
There’s nothing quite like a global controversy to really bring an Olympic Games to the next level. Every Games worth its wound full of salt has at least one memorable knee-whacking or equestrian sex scandal to its name.
• Last Issue: Let the Games Begin
• From the Vaults: No Can Do
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I Wish I Was Dead or Otherwise Incapcitated
Sorry for the Turkish, good people, but Rok Finger’s hit rock bottom. No fuckin’ pun intended. In fact, if I did intend a pun in any slight or possibly intentional way, beat me to death with a dirty broom handle.
• Last Issue: I Am Nobody's Personal Food Taster
• From the Vaults: Nabisco Loves Me
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Fishing
Meadows was an expert fisherman, raised in a fisherman family. His father was a fisherman, his father’s father was a fisherman, his father’s father’s father sold lingerie in Times Square, but the father of that father’s father’s father was a fisherman as well, so on.
• Last Issue: History
• From the Vaults: Penpal
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Way to Cock Up My Birthday Party, Grandpa
Hi Grandpa. Mom wanted me to write to tell you that I'm not mad at you anymore for what happened at my birthday party. She says that you probably didn't mean to have a giant heart attack right when everybody was just starting to have fun.
• Last Issue: My Reality Shows Rock Hard
• From the Vaults: President Bush Will Have to Kill a Man to Get Some Goddamn Respect
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Welcome to the Machine
Can you believe masturbate.com isn't in my spellchecker? What is this, the stone age?
• Last Issue: Welcome to the Machine
• From the Vaults: Search Me
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2002 Oscars Special Edition
Holy washed-up franchise, Batman! It’s Oscar season and no lisping game bird is going to convince Roland McShyster otherwise. Pay no heed to the lies about Christmastime, the most magical time of the year is truly upon us.
Volume 15
As you can see, this has become a much stickier issue than we’re prepared to get into. All we can say is good luck trying to get into the Guinness Book, but we’re not getting involved.
The Lucky Break
Hey, Shorty, go easy on that Red Man, wouldja? Thass all I got left, and you know how I like me a good chaw after supper. Toss it over t’here. Thanks, Shorty. Hey, you know what that reminds me of? That night with the talent scout down at the ol’ Smilin’ Dog Saloon. Was you there that night? That was one for the books, Shorty, I tell you what.
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The Golden Potion
Once upon a time, or so goes the line, I heard tell a notion of a gold magic potion. Its power mysterious, a bouquet quite delirious, it filled all who drink with the charm of a king.
Have You Ever Loved?
Have you ever loved, like the whistling wind of a barn swallow’s nostril-hole? Have you ever lived, like a merchant prince on quiche and curry dumplings? I think not.
The Rheumatic Sleeping Doomsday Machine
John Patriot was cornered. His back was to the wall, literally, and his feet were on the ground and he was reaching for the stars, literally.
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Milestones
2000: Ramrod Hurley is hired as a commune correspondent
after the failure of his startup internet company, www.poopoftheday.com.
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Now Hiring
Extras. Positions available for extras in Boogie Nights 2. Minimum wage, lunch
provided as well as SAG credit. Full frontal nudity required, well-endowed equipment or
prosthetics a plus.
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Bestselling Books
1. |
The Tired Lawyer Concept
John Grisham |
2. |
Sexual Intercourse For Dummies
Mitch Harvey |
3. |
Networking For Assholes
Kelly Ward |
4. |
Spanish For the Impotent
Dean Harmon |
5. |
The Dysfunctional Family Who Could Not Suppress Their Problems For One Lousy Thanksgiving
Rupert Baird |
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Copyright © 2002 the.commune Inc. All rights reserved.
Reproduction in whole or in part without permission is likely to piss off her dad big-time.
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U IGNORANT
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Handimaster 3000
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Miniver Cheevy's 1000-Watt Television Paradise
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UPC Television Network
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Now Playing at You're Shittin' Me Theater
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the commune's
Quote of the Day |
It's Here! |
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