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Unprecedented 4-country tag team match will solve all grievances
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KCU stomped 105-07 in chemically-fueled thrashing
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Paramount’s Kings Island currency strong against Europe
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Singer's long nightmare is, like, finally finished
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The Real Reason For Afghanistan
Most Americans sat at home, in the safety of their quilts or warmed by a quaint trash can fire, and watched the war in Afghanistan on their televisions, computers, or radios while imagining what the attacks looked like.
• Last Issue: Nope!
• From the Vaults: Sucker!
• more columns
Handle with Care
What the hell's wrong with the postal service that they need special instructions not to beat the shit out of your package with baseball bats or feed it through the air intake of a jet engine?
• Last Issue: Jeff's Nuts Roasting on an Open Fire
• From the Vaults: CUIDADO: PISO MOJADO
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Ringing in the Root Beer
Twisted gas needles! It’s time! ‘Tis the season when a Nedmiller’s happier than a hamster cut up by a coat hanger! Next Yesteryear done come and came, and Ned had hisself the biggest Next Yesteryear ever, as can be vouched by the fresh gypsies of Good King Wencelas, no less.
• Last Issue: How the Kaiser Stole Christmas
• From the Vaults: Please Hamlet Don't Hurt 'em
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Ask Not What Your Country is Doing
Good people, do you know there’s a war going on? I trifle not. I just found out about it, much to my astonishment. It’s apparently in Albania or Argentina, somewhere in that region, and yes, we are heavily involved.
• Last Issue: Why Not Have Two Christmases?
• From the Vaults: I Can't Get Up
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Airplane
I remember it just like it was yesterday, the summer that my brother Goose and I spent trying to build our own airplane. We had it on good authority that none other than the Great Gildersleeve himself would be making a public appearance in St Louis in a month’s time.
• Last Issue: Christmas
• From the Vaults: Mr Dingle
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I Was Real Funny Before Everybody Got Politically Correct
Everyone I know is funny. Or at least they think they’re funny. And I can understand that, ‘cause I used to be real funny, too. And then everyone went and got so “politically correct” on me. Now I can’t get a butt to crack a smile.
• Last Issue: I Don't Believe in Santa Claus Anymore
• From the Vaults: Where the Fuck's Jesus?
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Ask Roland Hollywood Legends Special Edition
The time has come for the first ever “Ask Roland Special Edition,” and if that doesn’t put exciting lumps in your oatmeal, I don’t know what will.
Volume 11
Everything’s cool. We had nothing going on for New Year’s. Had some friends over, played board games of all things, just downed some cases of beer and a bottle of wine, watched the ball drop on T.V. Dick Clark still looks like he ain’t aged none, something’s going on with that guy.
Fortune 7
It speaks elegantly about you, yet barely whispers. That's right, Montana. Birthplace of the most dramatic clock radio ever designed, and one of the toughest riding mowers ever built.
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Rosey Red-Ass
The true story of Christmas is one few people know, they think it’s about reindeer and stockings and snow. But this is all hoohash, it just isn’t so, use it as fertilizer and it’ll make things grow.
Dreamin' in Dreamland
I’m dreamin’ a dream of a dream I once had about a dream that I had once before. The one where the fish flip and follow each other diving deep in the dark down below.
Chicken in a Bisket
You know, Shorty, we’ve seen some amazing damned things in our day. What with everything being all techmalogicalized and whatnot, it can make your head spin.
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Milestones
1983: Red Bagel is thrown out of a casino for counting cards. He is not cheating, merely trying to settle a bet
with a friend on how many decks the casino uses.
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Now Hiring
James Bondian Action Hero. Must be proficient in fire arms and small mechanical gadgets with
ridiculous capabilities. Responsibilities include killing unnamed lackeys and doing battle with bizarre supervillians
of non-distinct European origin. Good benefits, adventure, and pussy galore.
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Best Sellers
1. |
The Bridges of Macon County, Georgia
Bobby Ray Poker
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2. |
The Lord of the Tacky Pimp Rings
J.Z.Z.Z. Toolking
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3. |
Mary Contrary, Are You on the Rag Today?
Dr. Soobst
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4. |
Oprah's Book Club Can Eat Me
Jonathan Franzen
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5. |
I Sure Miss the Cold War
Tom Clancy
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Copyright © 2002 the.commune Inc. All rights reserved.
Reproduction in whole or in part without permission is likely to piss off her dad big-time.
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U IGNORANT
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Handimaster 3000
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Miniver Cheevy's 1000-Watt Television Paradise
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UPC Television Network
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Now Playing at You're Shittin' Me Theater
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the commune's
Quote of the Day |
It's Here! |
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